(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
- ARTHUR, SO VERY NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK ON OUR SHOW
HOW'S THE LITTLE FELLA?
- OH, I'M GREAT, ED. GREAT
- I UNDERSTOOD HE WAS A LITTLE NERVOUS
- HE'S NERVOUS. I'M ALL RIGHT
HE'S NERVOUS
- YOU TELL HIM HE'S GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT
- YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?
SON, LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING. DON'T GAZE AWAY
THERE'S THE ONLY TWO THINGS IN LIFE TO WORRY ABOUT
ONLY TWO THINGS
WHETHER GOING TO LIVE OR WHETHER YOU'RE GOING TO DIE
IF YOU LIVE, YOU GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT
AND IF YOU DIE, YOU'VE ONLY GOT TWO THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT
WHETHER YOU GO TO HEAVEN
OR WHETHER YOU GO DOWN BELOW
IF YOU GO TO HEAVEN, BOY
YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT
IF YOU GO DOWN BELOW YOU'RE SO BUSY SHAKING HANDS
WITH ALL YOUR OLD PALS YOU HAVEN'T TIME TO WORRY
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
YOU SEE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
I GOT ALL THE WORK TO DO
AND BELIEVE ME
IT'S NOT JUST A MATTER OF TALKING, AS YOU MIGHT THINK
YOU'D BE SURPRISED IF YOU KNEW WHAT GOES ON BEHIND ME
TURN ME AROUND, SON
IF YOU KNEW THE STRINGS AND SPRINGS AND GADGETS
TURN ME AROUND, SON
IF YOU KNEW, WHAT I'VE GOT TO GO THROUGH
JUST TO TRY AND ENTERTAIN YOU YOU'D SURPRISED AND SHOCKED
AND TONIGHT
TURN ME AROUND, SON
TONIGHT
TURN ME AROUND, SON
TONIGHT, I INTEND SHOWING YOU EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN
DO IT
I KNEW THIS LAD WHEN HE WAS ALIVE. A LOVELY BOY
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
VERY GOOD TO HIS FATHER AND MOTHER. NEVER GOES HOME
TURN ME AROUND HERE
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
TAKE IT EASY
NOW HAVE A LOOK AT THAT
I WANT THAT YOU SHOULD LOOK
LOVELY SET OF CURTAINS HERE, SON
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
HAVE A LOOK
YOU'VE NOT SEEN THIS BEFORE YOU'VE NOT. YOU HAVE NOT
AND YOU WON'T SEE THIS AGAIN
YOU WON'T. YOU WILL NOT
YOU WILL NOT SEE THIS AGAIN
WHERE WERE YOU, THEN?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THIS ON TELEVISION
UNLESS YOU CRAWL 'ROUND THE BACK OF THE SET
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
DEARLY BELOVED BRETHREN...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO THROUGH LIFE LIKE THAT?
NO GUTS AND SOMEBODY ELSE'S HAND
WHERE YOUR KIDNEY SHOULD BE
SING A SONG, SON
I'D LIKE YOU TO HEAR THIS LAD SING
SING A SONG, SON
HE'S GOT A LOVELY VOICE. SING A SONG
HE'S THE GREATEST. SING A SONG
DING-A-DONGA CHARLIE
WHEN HE SINGS, HE DOES SOMETHING TO YOU DEEP DOWN INSIDE
MAKES YOU SICK. SONG A SONG
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
'CAUSE WE'VE GOT A LOVELY ORCHESTRA
AND I WOULD LIKE TO DO A LITTLE TUNE
A LITTLE TUNE, WHICH I SHALL DEDICATE
TO MR. ED SULLIVAN AND YOU AS WELL, WORSLEY
NOW LISTEN TO THIS
(BAND PLAYING JAZZY MUSIC)
♪ WHEN YOU'RE SMILING ♪
♪ YOU'LL FIND THE WHOLE WORLD SMILES WITH YOU ♪
♪ AND WHEN YOU'RE LAUGHING ♪
♪ REALLY LAUGHING ♪
♪ WELL, THE SUN COMES A'SHINING RIGHT THROUGH ♪
♪ BUT WHEN YOU'RE CRYING ♪
♪ WELL, IT BRINGS ON THE RAIN ♪
♪ SO STOP YOUR CRYING ♪
♪ BE HAPPY A- ♪
- JUST ENOUGH. JUST A MINUTE
WE ALL KNOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
A THOUGHT JUST STRUCK ME IN MIDAIR
WE ALL KNOW THAT THE HARDEST LETTER FOR A VENTRILOQUIST IS
THE LETTER B
WE ALL KNOW THAT
THE LETTER B
AND THE HARDEST THING FOR A VENTRILOQUIST TO SAY IS
OF COURSE, BREAD AND BUTTER
OR THE BOYS OF THE OLD BRIGADE
OR BROOKLYN BRONX BROADWAY BUFFALO
SAY A BOTTLE OF BEER WITHOUT MOVING YOUR MOUTH
GO ON
SAY A BOTTLE OF BEER
SAY A BOTTLE OF BEER WITHOUT MOVING YOUR MOUTH
SAY IT
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
HOW IS IT, SON, THAT WHEN I SHOUT,
YOU SPIT IN MY FACE?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
SAY A BOTTLE OF BEER BOTTLE OF BEER A BOTTLE OF BEER
A BOTTLE OF BEER A BOTTLE OF BEER A BOTTLE OF BEER
A BOTTLE OF BEER
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
YOU CAN'T DO IT, CAN YOU?
NEVER HAS BEEN DONE, BUT I CAN DO IT. WATCH ME
A BOTTLE OF BEER
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
WHICH ONE'S THE DUMMY?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
WHEN ELIZABETH TAYLOR SAW ME DO THAT
SHE FELL FLAT ON HER FACE
- IMPOSSIBLE
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- WHO'S A LITTLE CHATTERBOX?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
WELL, IT'S BEEN NICE MEETING YOU
♪ AND WHEN YOU'RE-
IS THAT THE KEY? IT'S SOMEWHERE NEAR IT
♪ WHEN YOU'RE SMILING ♪
♪ THE WHOLE WORLD ♪
♪ SMILES WITH YOU ♪
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)