-Ron Burgundy. -What a wonderful ovation.
Jimmy, do you, uh...
Do you mind if I just do some stand-up comedy?
-[ Laughs ] If you'd like to.
-Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Oh, thank you. That's what I'm talking about.
How's, uh...
How's everyone doing tonight?
[ Cheers and applause ] What? Whoa!
What a crowd. What a crowd.
New York City in the house.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
Am I right? Am I right?
[ Cheers and applause ]
What does that mean, by the way, "in the house"?
Are we in a house? No, we're in a building.
A tall building that no one would mistake for a house.
[ Laughter ]
New York City in the house.
[ Laughter ]
How could 17 million people fit in a house anyway?
[ Laughter ]
That's a lot of toilet paper, if you ask me.
[ Laughter ]
What about an episode of "The Real World"
that took place in a house that fit New York City?
[ Laughter ]
Imagine binge-watching that.
You'd be 100 before you get halfway through episode one.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, my God.
-But these are the things that keep me up at night.
[ Laughter ]
People like to say, "Not in my house."
Well, of course not in my house.
I don't know you, so I don't want you in my house.
[ Laughter ]
Am I right or what?
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah.
What else? What else?
[ Laughter ]
What else?
You all having a good summer?
[ Cheering ] Yeah.
Believe it or not, I've already done all my Christmas shopping.
[ Laughter ]
I like to get it done before Labor Day,
and I get everyone the same thing every year --
A subscription to "Playboy" magazine.
[ Laughter, cheers ]
Oh, sure, some people complain, and I'll tell them, "Fine.
I'll just leave you off the list for next year."
And they say, "Wait! Wait, wait, wait!
Wait! Wait! Wait, wait, wait!
Wait, wait! Wait, wait!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Just give me one more year."
[ Laughter ]
Am I right or what?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Am I right?
[ Laughter ]
Show of hands -- how many people here take the subway?
Hmm? Yeah. [ Cheers ]
I love the subway whenever I come to New York.
It's the only way I get around town.
Yeah. You know, you ever take the subway in the summertime
and you find the one car that is empty and you think,
"Great. I'm gonna have this whole car to myself,"
but once you get in, you realize it is empty
because the air-conditioning is broken?
[ Laughter ]
Well, I love to hide in that car,
and when people realize they picked the hot car
with the broken A.C., I pop out and say, "Hey! Surprise!"
[ Laughter ]
"It's hot as [bleep] in here!"
[ Laughter ]
"Because the A.C. is broken, and that's why it is empty."
[ Laughing ] "You got tricked!
Let's wrestle!"
[ Laughter ]
"It'll make the time go faster for our journey."
Am I right or what?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Am I right or what?
[ Applause continues ]
We got any Yankee fans here tonight?
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah, Yankees.
For those of you who don't know baseball,
the New York Yankees are a big deal.
They're like the New York Jets of baseball.
Just phenomenal history. [ Laughter ]
And, uh... No, it's true.
That's nothing to laugh at.
I like to sit out in the right-field bleachers
with all the hecklers and yell things at opposing players.
Really, really get into their heads.
"Hey, number 12! Why don't you go back to college
and finish your bachelor of arts degree, huh?!"
[ Laughter ]
"There's really no excuse.
You could do it online or take night classes."
[ Laughter ]
"Or go back to school in the off-season.
Hey, Mookie Betts, you're a bum!
In between innings, you should read --
use your time and read the Mueller Report, unredacted!
I know you won't, though.
You know why?
Because you're a bum! You're a no good bum!"
[ Laughter ]
Am I right or what?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Baseball players, though.
There's a weird lot.
What else? Uh...
Do we got any Shawn Mendes fans here tonight?
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah.
Don't like him. Never have.
[ Laughter ]
First of all, is he Canadian or Mexican?
Make up your mind.
You can't be both, not in today's world.
No way.
Secondly, he stole some of my songs
and my singing style when he goes to that falsetto.
♪ Everything means nothing if I can't have you ♪
Yeah, and I wrote that song about Camila Cabello
because she broke my heart.
But now all the fans think that he wrote it about her,
but he didn't! I did!
I wrote the damn song!
I swear to you, I wrote the song!
And now I'm the laughingstock of the pop-music world,
and I want to tell you, Shawn, one thing!
I don't like it! It's bush league!
That's my time.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪