In this video, we're going to be talking about why silence is important after a breakup.
But first, my name is Clay with modernlove.life, where we help you get the great loving relationship
that you're looking for without having to play mind games, without having to play hard
to get, and without having to pretend to be someone or something that you are not because
you deserve to be loved for the unique, amazing and wonderful person that you are. And if
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Also, I wanted to let you know that we do have an email newsletter where we send out
tips, advice and strategies for reconnecting with your ex. We also send you this nice little
report when you first sign up that goes through a lot of common myths that people have about
breakups and getting back together, such as the no contact rule, which we are going to
get into in this video. And I go ahead and I pull apart those myths and tell you what's
worked really well for my clients in the past, and even me back when I was going through
my own breakup and getting back together [inaudible 00:01:17] that I talk about from time to time
on these videos. But that whole email newsletter is going to be down below in the description
box underneath this video. All right, let's get into this.
So first of all, I want to talk about this whole issue about no contact. I know that
there are other folks out there, and I know that you've probably been watching their videos
too, it's okay. It's okay. Nobody said you had to be monogamous here to just me, although
that'd be really nice. But I know that you're probably watching their videos and I know
that you're probably hearing them say that you absolutely 100% need to do no contact
and that no contact is critical all the time and that no matter what, you just need to
stop thinking and do no contact. And I can appreciate that. No contact is a tool, it's
something that you can use sometimes, but it's not your only tool, right? There are
other tools out there and I like to understand the situation and take whatever tool is appropriate.
I don't like just turning your brain off and saying, "Okay, I'm just going to do no contact."
If you want to follow the advice of those no contact coaches out there, go ahead and
do that. It just seems really simplistic to me. I've talked to folks, I've been on coaching
calls with people and they've said, "Yeah, I used to do coaching with so and so, and
they said yeah, just do no contact." Okay. In my mind, I'm thinking, "Is that a really
satisfying experience or strategy?" Maybe it is. I mean it doesn't matter what I think,
what matters most is if you're getting value out of it, cool. But hey, in my opinion, not
everyone needs to do no contact, okay? No contact has its time and place, it is a tool,
but it's not the only tool. Just like how you might need more than a screwdriver in
order to build a house, you might need more than no contact in order to save a relationship
or make a relationship work. Anyway, my belief is that no contact can be
useful if being in contact with your ex is not bringing the two of you closer together.
That just means something's wrong, it's a good idea to hit the pause button, take a
step back, reevaluate what isn't working and correct course as need be. If however the
two of you are in contact and it's bringing the two of you closer together, okay, something's
working. Why mess with what's working, right? If it ain't broke, don't fix it, as they say.
So anyway, that is my tangent. All right, let's go ahead and get into silence after
a breakup, because it can be useful, it can be helpful. Like I said, it is a tool and
sometimes that is the right tool to use. So silence or no contact or radio silence,
or whatever you may call it, after a breakup can give you the space to reset anything that
isn't working in your interactions with your ex. Like I said, if being in contact with
one another is moving the two of you further apart in terms of emotional connection, something
isn't working and it can be a good time to turn your attention inwards and work through
some issues that maybe you're having, maybe you're in damage control mode, for example,
and it can help you to ground out, get out of damage control mode and get to a place
where you can actually be in communication with your ex and have it pull the two of you
closer together. Silence or no contact can also give your ex
time to look back at what their life is like without you. Oftentimes, people initiate a
breakup because they're just so frustrated or so unhappy in whatever is currently happening
in the relationship, and they don't really stop and think about what could be on the
other side of that. What could life be like after the breakup? Is it going to be this
wonderful world of singledom where attractive people are throwing themselves at me? Or is
it going to be just me sitting in my sad little studio apartment on my own on weekends, because
I mean with everything going on in the world, apparently there's a pandemic here in the
United States, there is a lot of social unrest, weird times, weird times. I don't know. I
don't know. But anyway, it gives them time to feel the
consequences of their choice to be broken up. It gives them time to actually feel the
consequences and to actually feel your loss in their life and to maybe realize like, "Okay,
maybe it wasn't so bad. Maybe I do value certain aspects of them. Maybe I feel the urge to
turn toward them and tell them some interesting news, something that happened with my job
or my career or some good news from some family member, and instead there's just nothing there.
And suddenly I feel this empty vacuum in my life." That can happen. Another benefit for
space, no contact, silence, whatever you want to call it, is that it can give you the space
to actually start improving your connection, right? So it's one thing to be out of damage
control mode, it's one thing to not be in that panic state where you're begging and
pleading and calling or texting many, many, many times a day.
But in addition to removing the bad, we also want to add good into the equation. And so
no contact is actually a great time to start actually working on what we call advanced
relational skills, improving your ability to connect emotionally with other people,
because a lot of that's going to transfer over to your interactions with your ex. This
is actually the foundation of what we call active no contact. Again, there is a time
and place for no contact. Oftentimes, people are telling you to just cut contact and not
talk to your ex for a month. And a lot of times people just white knuckle it through
it. They're just marking off the days on the calendar, hoping that day 30 arrives, and
then suddenly everything's going to be better. But what we want you to do is we want you
to be an active participant in the no contact process, it's why it's called active no contact,
by getting you out there, stretching yourself and working to actively create better interpersonal
connections with other people. So that's why we have our whole active contact
thing. If you want to learn more about at least our take on no contact, be sure to check
out this video playlist up there on the no contact rule, our take on it. It could really
help you to understand this distinction and that maybe you don't need to do no contact,
maybe you do. You can actually take a real look at it. And the fifth point I want to
make in this video about silence after a breakup is it also gives you and your ex the space
to see things with a new perspective. When you're in the thick of a relationship, when
you're in the thick of all the fights, all the arguments, all of the petty things that
we tend to make into a big deal in life, when you step out of that and have a little bit
more space to see things more clearly, you can sometimes gain a new perspective and maybe
all of these little petty things that seemed like a big deal suddenly aren't that big of
a deal anymore. I know that's definitely the case with everything
that's going in the world, the situation. It's definitely caused a lot of people to
have a bigger perspective, maybe things that at the beginning of this year, if you're watching
this when I publish it, it's 2020 which I am pretty sure is going to go down in history
as a really crazy year. But it's caused a lot of people with the situation to say like,
"Okay, all of these things that I thought were a huge, big deal back in January as the
situation kicked in, they became less of a big deal and I suddenly refocused my values
on what was actually important, connecting with the people I care about, staying in touch
with the people I care about and stuff like that." And so silence after breakup, whether
you're in 2020 or whether you're in a hopefully normal, calm, relaxing, not dramatic at all
year in the future, time away from each other can actually help to build that perspective
and help you to see like, "Okay, all of these things that I thought were a big deal, maybe
they're not such a big deal after all." So anyway, I hope this video has helped you
out. Again, you don't have to do no contact many times. Sometimes it makes sense, sometimes
it's not necessary. That's my take on it. But if you like this video, I hope you do,
please make sure you give this video a thumbs up and subscribe to the channel down below
if you have not already subscribed. If you do want to learn more about our take on the
no contact rule, please check out this video series over here, or you might want to check
out this video up here. But once again, my name is Clay with modernlove.life, thank you
so much for watching. Take care, and I will talk to you next time.