♪ Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo ♪
♪ He loves me and I love ♪
- Christmas Poo?
- What the hell is Christmas poo?
- Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo.
Haven't you guys ever heard of it?
Mr. Hankey.
He comes out of the toilet every year
and gives presents to everybody
who has a lot of fiber in their diet.
- Kyle, shh!
- It's true.
(trombone slides)
♪ Santa Claus is on his way ♪
♪ He's loaded goodies on his sleigh ♪
♪ Drop 'em off on Christmas day ♪
♪ And I'll say howdy ho ♪
- Mr. Hankey, shh!
I'll get in trouble!
♪ Folks will gather round the fire ♪
♪ Sing a song with all the choir ♪
♪ Pretty soon they'll all retire ♪
♪ And I'll say howdy ho ♪
- [Gerald] Kyle what are you doing in there?
- Nothing!
- [Gerald] Open this door!
♪ I hope that Santa comes real soon ♪
♪ I've been waiting ♪
- Mr. Hankey, come here!
(Gerald gasps)
- Kyle!
- Say something, Mr. Hankey!
- Howdy ho!
- Mr. Hankey!
We were so worried!
I was waiting up for you and you didn't come,
so I thought that--
- Oh no, I'm fine, Kyle!
- But where have you been?
Things aren't the same without you.
Nobody seems to have the Christmas spirit.
- I know, Kyle.
I've just been awful busy with my family.
Honey!
- Family?
- Boys, I want you to meet my wife, Autumn.
- Howdy hey, kids.
Would you like a drink?
- They're too young to drink, honey.
- Ah, hell, it's Christmas!
- Oh and you have to meet the little nuggets, too.
Kids!
This is our son Cornwallis.
- Howdy ho!
- Our daughter, Amber.
- Howdy ho!
- And our son, Simon.
- Hey!
- Simon's not so smart.
He was born with a peanut in his head.
- What dad, huh?
- Nothing, Simon.
- Howdy ho!
(light music)
- Mr. Hankey!
- Oh, I hate that stupid Christmas poo.
Hello, Mr. Hankey and Merry Christmas to you.
- Gee whiz, thing sure look Christmasy out here.
What are you boys doing?
- Cartman's trying to bring Christmas to Iraq.
- The people of Iraq deserve a good Christmas
just like everyone else.
- Well, gosh, Eric.
Looks like you really have the Christmas spirit.
I know someone who can help!
Santa Claus!
- Really?
- [Stan And Kyle] Really?
- Sure!
We should take this stuff to him right away!
- But how are we gonna get to the North Pole?
- Oh, that's no problem.
We just need a little Christmas magic.
(chimes shimmer)
(poo sloshing)
All aboard the Poo-Choo Express!
- Wow!
- Ooh, that smells.
- Yeah.
- Next stop, the North Pole!
- Get the rest of the stuff you guys!
- I don't really want to get on that.
- Me neither.
You guys, we have to bring Christmas
to those less fortunate.
Now, come on!
- Let's go, Poo-choo train!
- [Horn] Poo-choo!
♪ Poo-Choo train's laying down its tracks ♪
♪ With a poo-choo all the way and back ♪
♪ Poo poo train is my favorite thing ♪
♪ Spreading Christmas joy as we ride and sing ♪
- Dude, what the hell has gotten into Cartman?
- I don't know.
♪ Christmas time wouldn't be the same ♪
♪ Without hugs and kisses and a Poo-Choo train ♪
(glass shatters)
- Mr. Hankey?
- Oh, Kyle!
Howdy ho!
- We got the money, Mr. Hankey.
We're gonna make our animated Christmas card.
- Oh that's swell!
Kids, Christmas is back on!
We gotta all go get that old drive-in working again.
- Okay!
- That's not the only thing we gotta get working again,
if you know what I mean.
- Why do you have to say things like that
in front of people?
- All right, boys, you're next.
Welcome to Mr. Hankey's Happy Lolly Land.
- Oh boy, here we go!
- Howdy ho, boys!
- Mr. Hankey?
- Gosh, you boys smell like flowers.
- You're not the real Mr. Hankey!
- Sure I am.
Howdy ho.
- You look a lot bigger than the last time we saw you.
- Well, Mr. Hankey has to grow too, you know.
Howdy ho!
- You boys want your picture with Mr. Hankey?
- This is not Mr. Hankey.
This is a fake.
(kids gasp)
(kid cries)
- It's okay kids, I'm real!
Howdy ho!
- [Kids] Howdy ho!
- Why are you people doing this?
Why would you lie like this to children?
- Look kid.
There's Mr. Hankey's like me in every shopping mall.
There is no real Mr. Hankey.
- What?
What did you say?
- Oh boy, you've done it now.
- Huh?
- Behold, here's your false prophet!
(kids gasp)
- Come on, it's time to sit around the tree!
- We're having a talk, honey.
- Aw, (beep) it's Christmas
and we're gonna be a happy family around the tree!
- Autumn, you're drunk.
Right now, just go help the other kids.
They can't get their stockings up.
- That's not the only thing they can't get up around here.
- [Announcer] And now live from the town courthouse,
it's The Hankey Hearings
on South Park 13.
- Mr. Hankey.
(Mr. Hankey snorts)
14 hours ago, did you, or did you not say,
"everyone in South park is a God (beep) bag?"
- Yes, that was a bad attempt at a Christmas joke.
- But there's nothing in that statement about Christmas.
- That's what I said.
It was a bad attempt.
- What part of the statement was actually-
- You want to hear a good Christmas joke?
- In 2005, you said,
(Mr. Hankey snorting)
- You said that you had no recollection of the.
(Mr. Hankey snorting)
- Sorry I got the sniffles.
- Mr. Hankey.
Do you understand how important these statements are
to the citizens of this town?
- All I understand is it's only eight weeks until Christmas!
If we don't stop wasting our time,
we're all gonna miss out on the most magical part
of the whole year!
- What did you mean last night when you tweeted,
"The mayor of South Park is a (beep) whore."
(glass clinks)
- Oh, come on!
It was a joke!
That's it, that's it I've had enough of this whole
(beep) sham.
(beep) all you and (beep) this whole system!
It's Christmas time!
- My family and I are here to get the drive-in ready
for the big movie!
- Perfect.
- Hi there, Mr. Important political person.
You wanna bet me I won't take off my clothes
and run naked through this parking lot?
- Honey, please don't start.
- I didn't start it!
He was looking at my breasts!
- They're not real, you know.
- Don't you say that!
- Oh big secret, everyone can tell they're made of silicorn!
- We'll just leave you to your clean up.
- Okay!
Boy oh boy this place sure needs a lot of work.
- We can fix it up, dad.
- Oh look, a homeless person.
Oh he looks sad, papa.
There, that's better.
- Good job, Amber.
Now this place is starting to look Christmasy.
♪ Sometimes he's nutty ♪
♪ Sometimes he's corny ♪
♪ He can be brown or greenish-brown ♪
♪ But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve ♪
♪ He might come to your town ♪
♪ Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo ♪
- Well, I've got a long night ahead of me.
Bye bye and Merry Christmas!
- Bye bye, Mr. Hankey!
Bring me lots of presents.
I always believed in you!
- [Santa] Howdy ho ho ho!