[music]
Barbara: This video, presented by the new movie "Lazer Team".
Get tickets now at LazerTeamTheMovie.com.
Stay tuned for more info after this video.
[music ends]
BURNIE: Hello everybody and welcome to another episode of "Million Dollars, But...".
We have a very special guest with us today: Mr. Alan Ritchson.
Star of everything, including "Lazer Team".
[clapping] Hey, let's all clap.
[Burnie laughs]
Alright, Gavin, since it's Alan's first time on the show, why don't you start us off.
Ease him in.
Alright, million dollars, but... -BURNIE: Lot of money.
...instead of tastebuds being on your tongue, your entire hand is full of really sensitive tastebuds.
[Alan gasps]
GAVIN: You taste everything you touch.
ALAN: Hope they like the taste of dick.
[they all laugh]
BURNIE: Imagine someone serving your food
and you're like "oh I just...I love". Getting your hands and you're putting it in like--
ALAN: "Oh... Fettuccine Alfredo is my favorite".
[Burnie laughs]
GAVIN: I just like the idea of being on a date, but your date doesn't know that you're tasting with your hands,
so you're like, whenever she's not looking, you're like--
BURNIE: Just sticking a little finger and poking it in, whatever.
GAVIN: "Ooh, mash potatoes".
BURNIE: It's even worse, too, when she's like
"oh this is so delicious, do you want a bite?",
and you're like "I'll just touch it".
[they all laugh]
-BURNIE: Grab the end of her fork... -GAVIN: "Nom, nom, nom, nom. Ohh, yummy."
Well, if this one ate, like...honey and this one, like, ate peanut butter,
you could have a really cool little, "oh.. my favorite."
[Burnie and Gavin laugh]
ALAN: It could be a culinary masterpiece.
Because you could really find some combos, you know--
I'm just thinking Alan in his kitchen, like, just spreading peanut butter on one hand
and then honey on the other.
BURNIE: It's like, "what are you doing?",
"I'm just making a sandwich."
I think I would get gloves and just fill them with like syrup or something.
Like, what would be your go-to flavor?
ALAN: Sour Patch Kids.
GAVIN: Yeah?
ALAN: I'd just fill 'em with Sour Patch Kids.
-BURNIE: Just sour powder. -ALAN: Yeah.
Alright, millon dollars, your tastebuds move from your tongue to your hand.
I would do a lot for a million dollars, I don't think I would do it.
Okay. I'm out, too.
No-go.
We're all a million dollars poor.
High five.
[Alan and Burnie make gagging noises]
Now, okay so, I think I have a decent one. Um...
ALAN: A million dollars, but, for the rest of your life, you lactate.
[Gavin and Burnie laugh]
It's like forceful let-down, like fire hose--
GAVIN: And is it triggered, like, if I walk past a baby crying?
Is it just, like "pssh".
ALAN: Oh! That could be the trigger.
GAVIN: Annihilate the mother and the baby?
[Alan makes gargling noises]
What happens if I'm just, like, out with friends or whatever,
it just lactates--
ALAN: Out with friends, you guys are at a bar.
Just "hey, let's go get a couple of drinks...",
"okay we're, like, yucking it up".
And then, all of a sudden... [Alan makes screaming noises]
ALAN: Everybody's covered.
GAVIN: Everyone's got a White Russian.
Is it good milk?
It's the best.
Is it, like, half-and-half?
Or is it--
No, I would drink it right from the tap. You know what I'm saying?
[Gavin and Burnie laugh]
ALAN: It's good milk. It's that good.
[sucking]
BURNIE: [laughing] Oh, my God.
ALAN: "Burnie, I'm thirsty."
[they all laugh]
I would!
Can't wait to shoot that.
'Cos it's that good.
And, you know what?
It's so good, that you would, too, and we could go at the same time.
ALAN: That's what's so wonderful about the whole thing.
Because there's two.
BURNIE: [laughing] Oh, God... no, I'm not doing it. I wouldn't do it.
ALAN: "Burnie, feed us, we're thirsty."
GAVIN: We're both having a drink. Just, high five at the same time.
BURNIE: Okay, a million dollars, but for the rest of our lives we lactate at a high volume and high pressure.
I'm gonna have to, politely decline the mil.
[Scoffs] What a selfish, selfish bastard.
The world has less milk because of you.
Alright, I'll do it.
I'll take the million.
Man, I'm getting thirsty just thinking about it.
[laughing] Alright, back off there, pal.
ALAN: Alright, okay. Alright.
Would you do it?
-I... yeah, yeah, I think I, yeah. -GAVIN: Really?
I definitely would.
BURNIE: Okay, here's mine, it's a million dollars, you get it right away, but...
the moment you take the money, from that moment on, a random object will stick to you permanently
the next time you encounter it.
Every time you encounter it.
ALAN: Like, today is, like, fork day.
GAVIN: That night, when you pick up your fork, that's on you forever.
BURNIE: Yeah. And then you know at that moment forks are what you're gotta avoid.
ALAN: Okay.
BURNIE: But, you'll never know. You know, let's say somebody is like
"Hey, do you wanna go play tennis?"
and you're like, "sure, I'll go play tennis."
And you're getting ready to go, that's the day you realize that tennis balls are what stick to you.
GAVIN: You know that as soon as people realize this, people are gonna be serving tennis balls at you now.
They're all gonna stick.
-GAVIN: Gonna end up walking off the tennis court...completely covered in tennis balls. -BURNIE: Right.
BURNIE: You know, what if it's cats?
You pet a cat--
ALAN: That'd be my nightmare.
GAVIN: "Shit."
[they all laugh]
-BURNIE: That would be awful. -ALAN: And, what if you're allergic to cats?
ALAN: And you've got like seven cats on you forever.
[Gavin and Burnie laugh]
ALAN: Eating Benadryl like Skittles.
BURNIE: It's always the one cat that like walks up and runs your leg with its head, and you're like
"N- oh..."
[they all laugh]
BURNIE: Well, you live here now.
ALAN: What if it's like cash?
BURNIE: You'd figure really quickly, because you'd have like a bill stuck to your hand.
ALAN: Just a guy at every dinner who's like "eh, so, check comes, I'm going to the bathroom."
GAVIN: What if, for a laugh, you were trying on some really shit sunglasses...
BURNIE: Oh...
...and it was them. And you were like "damn it."
Wearing these forever now.
Million dollars, random object sticks to your body, would you do it?
I would do it.
Yeah. I would be cautious, as well.
Alright, I guess I owe you guys a million dollars then.
Hey everybody, I'm very happy say that our movie "Lazer Team" is headed to theaters this January.
So, head over to LazerTeamTheMovie.com to see if it's playing in your city.
If it is, buy a ticket and if it's not, we've given you the ability to set up a screening in your town
through a partership with Tugg.
For more details on that, go to LazerTeamTheMovie.com.
Thanks, gorgeous.
Hey, if you liked this episode of "Million Dollars, But..." be sure to check out the rest of season one
and subscribe to Rooster Teeth's YouTube channel.
Oh, God...