Keep off the Commander's grass!
Everyone in the military has heard this, but why?
Now, the military loves its rules and regulations.
There are books and books and books
filled with governance on everything
from how to dress to how to stay alive.
It's a good thing even if it is really obnoxious sometimes.
The military is supposed to be
a standardized, uniformed, disciplined unit, after all.
But there's always someone who takes it too far.
By the way, I'm sure many out there will have trouble
distinguishing critical thinking from complaining
and you're gonna comment about it.
Go for it, feel free to call me
a millennial snowflake while you're at it.
But let's be clear.
This is not a video about why we should break the rules.
It's a video about why we should change them.
Let's talk about dumb military rules.
Starting with: Don't walk on the grass.
Now, for all of you civilians out there,
if you've never been on a military base,
there are walkways and there is grass.
You walk on the walkways.
You do not walk on the grass.
If you walk on the grass,
very bad things can and will happen.
I once saw a guy get ripped apart
because he stepped off the walkway to tie his shoe.
He made a logical choice to not block foot traffic
and correct a safety concern
and some First Sargent took it upon himself
to stomp over and start screaming at the guy
for walking on the Commander's grass.
This was not a training environment.
This was just a guy going about his day.
The military doesn't really issue
explanations with their rules,
so there aren't signs saying, "Don't walk on the grass
and these are the reasons why.".
As a result, everyone has a different reason
why troops can't walk on the grass on base.
The consensus seems to be that it's just unbecoming,
maybe even that taking a shortcut is symbolic
and antithetical to military motivation and commitment.
But there's also a "Shut up and color"
mentality in the military.
Follow orders and don't ask questions.
I get that troops need to follow orders during combat.
We also need troops to be problem solvers,
critical thinkers, and, I don't know,
confident, mentally sound human beings.
Which leads me to another dumb rule.
This one really pisses me off.
Regulating ear and eye protection
while standing in formation.
You know why humans wear earmuffs in cold weather?
You can develop frostbite in 40 degree Fahrenheit weather
depending on the wind.
It's called windchill, (bleep).
So let's say it's, oh, I don't know,
zero seven hundred on a January morning in South Korea
with an average temperature of 15 degrees
where even if the wind is only blowing five miles an hour,
you can develop frostbite in under 10 minutes.
And you're standing in formation
waiting for some general to show up for the Fun Run
and your Deputy Squadron Commander yells at you
for wearing ear protection and says
you're a disappointing officer and a bad leader.
Well, you know what, Colonel?
You're a disappointing officer and a bad leader
because you don't take care of your people.
Sorry no one else brought earmuffs
and we weren't all gonna look the same for the General
who wouldn't have even noticed.
I get that standing in straight lines is an ancient,
if antiquated, thing for the military to do.
So why not just make it mandatory
to protect yourself outdoors?
The bottom line is that it is dumb to reprimand someone
when there is no legitimate downside to it.
There has to be some flexibility
when it comes to the military environment.
For example, when a Marine General was put in charge
of a fictional Iran in a 2002 exercise,
he fought dirty and he won.
The tactics he used essentially predicted
the modern insurgency our troops would face
in Iraq and Afghanistan.
But, rather than learn from the exercise,
which potentially could have saved thousands of lives,
the military threw out the results
because he didn't follow the rules.
I'm still mad about that one.
We have a video about it, by the way.
Link is down below.
Next up: Keep your hands out of your pockets.
- What are you doing, playing pocket pool there, son?
- According to the Navy, while in uniform,
it is inappropriate and detracts from military smartness
for personnel to have their hands in their pockets.
You know what detracts from military smartness?
Cold hands.
But Shannon, you could wear gloves.
- Maybe you should wear these extra gloves.
My hands are starting to get sweaty.
- Well, it's not that (bleep) cold, okay?
It's just kind of cold.
But on a lazy Tuesday afternoon in the middle of Oklahoma?
Why not, I say.
Why not?
But Shannon, how can you win wars
with your hands in your pockets?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe ask Chesty Puller, Curtis Lemay,
Black Jack Pershing, Audie Murphy,
Dwight D. Eisenhower, Smedley Butler,
Billy Mitchell, and Douglas mother (bleep) MacArthur.
Oh, wait.
Okay, I guess MacArthur is actually
watching the Japanese surrender
with his hands in his pockets.
Fine, he earned that one.
So to me, if you stuck around this long,
thanks for coming to my Ted Talk
about why I got out of the military. (sadly laughs)
Check out our merch!
(military drumming)