[ Cheers and applause ]
-This is it. What a -- what a year.
2020. It's been one of my favorites.
Uh... [ Laughter ]
There's --
I can tell you one thing that is cancelled for sure --
Coughing in public. That's over.
You just -- you go into a restaurant
and just drink water wrong,
you just got to get up and go to your car and drive home.
[ Laughter ]
The whole restaurant just stares at you.
It's going to be hardest on my parents, because my parents,
there's nothing more that they love than coughing in public.
It's one of their favorite things to do.
I mean, I haven't had a conversation with my dad
in ten years without him choking the whole time.
[ Laughter ]
And you have to go -- anytime you go to a restaurant too now,
they take your temperature.
It's just a teenager that doesn't know what he's doing.
Doesn't even hold it up near my head.
He's just like, "45 degrees, you're good."
You're like, "Am I?"
[ Laughter ]
He's not even fazed by it. He's like --
I'm like, "Dude, I think I'm dead.
That's not -- I should go to the hospital."
[ Laughter ]
Everybody acts like they've already had COVID, too.
Everybody's like, "I think I had it in February."
You're like, "Did you?" They're like...
[ Laughter and applause ]
"I think so."
[ Laughter ]
I remember I sneezed a lot one week, and then...
[ Laughter ]
There's --
[ Laughter ]
My wife and I, we have a -- we have an 8-year-old daughter,
and so we're having to do the virtual learning.
And they're like, "Just do --
you know, just teach her school stuff."
You're like, "It's good.
I barely made it out of high school, let me give it a go."
Uh...
[ Laughter ]
And she's doing -- she's doing Common Core math.
She brought home new math.
That's what they want us to --
I don't even know what this math is.
And they're like, "Here's the new one."
You're like, "Oh, great, I get to watch a 40-minute
YouTube video on Common Core math."
And it's not like the old math was doing bad.
It's doing great.
It's not like we're getting incorrect change everywhere
and we're just sitting there like, "This stupid old math.
I wish new math would come along."
[ Laughter ]
If you don't -- I don't know if --
if you don't know Common Core math,
it's just basically a long way to get to the same answer.
It's like -- it's like, how can we use the entire sheet of paper
for this math problem?
And even when you break it down, you see old math sneak in there.
I mean, you're -- [ Laughter ]
You're like, that was old math right there.
Just do that at the beginning
and we won't even have to be in this.
[ Laughter and applause ]
There is --
[ Applause ]
I told my wife, "It's a long way to get to the same thing."
It would be -- if you came to my house,
and you knocked on the front door and you're like,
"Can I come in?" and I was like,
"Could you walk around and come in through the back door?"
And you would be like, "Does the front door not work?"
Like, "It works. It works fine.
I use it. Most people still use it.
But the new way is to go jump the fence,
come in back, and then meet me back here."
[ Laughter ]
One thing my daughter does miss
is she was starting to ride the bus, which was very fun.
And when she first started riding the bus,
we switched schools, and it was in first grade.
First day of school, we walked her to the bus stop.
It was a very, very fun day.
And then at the end of the school day,
someone from the school called my cell phone.
They have my wife's cell phone and they have my cell phone.
So they called my cell phone and they said,
"Hey, do you know what bus number
your daughter is supposed to be on?"
I said, "I'm her dad."
[ Laughter ]
I was like, "This is how you thought --
You saw a mom and dad's cell phone and said,
'I bet the dad knows'?"
[ Laughter ]
"I mean, do you have parents?
Were you raised with a family?
Have you ever seen families out before?
You thought, 'Let's call the husband,
I bet he knows.'? [ Laughter ]
Unless there's two husbands, you should never call a husband
a day in your life.
[ Laughter ]
I -- I would rather you ask a lady
that doesn't know her walking by.
I think he could get to the bottom of it
quicker than I can."
And finally, I just said, "All right, I'll get her.
What's the name of the school?" Uh...
All right, that's it for me. Thank you guys very much.
Thank you. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Nate Bargatze.
For tour dates and ticket info,
go to nategargatze.com.