♪♪♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
TONIGHT, I HAVE BEEN SHOWING YOU MY PATENT-PENDING SYSTEM, THE
"COLBERT QUESTIONERT."
NEXT UP, LEGENDARY CONDUCTOR FOR "THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE" AND
OCCASIONAL DRUMMER, RINGO STARR.
RINGO, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
YOU KNOW I LOVE TALKING TO MY GUESTS, ESPECIALLY SPECIAL
GUESTS LIKE YOU, ONCE IN A LIFETIME CONVERSATIONS, BUT EVER
LIKE ME AND A TOWERING TALENT LIKE YOU, IT'S HARD IN TEN
MINUTES TO REALLY GET TO KNOW SOMEONE.
SO WHAT WE'VE DONE IS, THROUGH DEEP RESEARCH, WE HAVE DISTILLED
EVERYTHING POSSIBLY WORTH KNOWING ABOUT A GUEST INTO A
SERIES OF 15 QUESTIONS.
RINGO STARR, ARE YOU READY FOR THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT?
>> YES.
♪♪♪ >> Stephen: QUESTION ONE,
RINGO STARR, WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH?
>> WELL, I DON'T KNOW HAVE A LOT OF THEM ANYMORE, BUT CHEESE.
>> Stephen: JUST A CHEESE SANDWICH?
>> YEAH, I LOVE CHEESE.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A SIMPLE MAN.
>> IT HAS TO BE GOAT CHEESE NOW.
>> Stephen: WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE GOAT CHEESE?
>> BECAUSE I DON'T EAT ANYTHING FROM THE COW.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE THE COW DID SOMETHING TO YOU?
>> BECAUSE THE MOLECULES ARE SO BIG.
HAVE YOU SEEN A COW IN.
>> Stephen: I HAVE.
THE MOLECULES ARE SO BIG.
THAT'S WHY, IF YOU DRINK A GLASS OF MILL, YOU'RE FULL.
WHICH A GOAT IS A GOOD SIZE FOR OUR BODIES.
>> Stephen: SO THE SIZE OF THE ANIMAL ITSELF HAS SOMETHING TO
DO WITH THE SIZE OF THE MOLECULES IS WHAT I'M GETTING
FROM YOU, RINGO STARR?
>> YEAH, LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THE BIG COW AND YOU WANT TO THINK
ABOUT THE FOOD IT GIVES THE BABY TO GROW WITHIN 3-TON WITHIN A
WEEK.
>> Stephen: NO COW.
WHAT'S THE ONE THING YOU SHOULD REALLY THROW OUT.
>> OH, TOO MUCH.
SEND A TRUCK.
>> Stephen: I WILL.
I'VE GOT SHOES.
THERE'S A LOT OF STUFF -- I MEAN, I'M JUST ONE OF THOSE
PEOPLE WHO JUST HOLDS ON TO STUFF.
I KNOW -- >> Stephen: DO YOU STILL HAVE
YOUR OUTFIT FROM CAVE MAN?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I LOVE THAT MOVIE.
MY BROTHER BILL AND I WOULD WATCH IT ALL THE TIME.
YOU AND YOUR LOVELY WIFE, IT'S A CLASSIC.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE SCARIEST ANIMAL?
>> THAT I HAVE BEENFACED WITH?
I THINK A LION WOULD BE SCARY.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A LION IN PERSON?
>> I'VE SEEN ONE IN A CAGE IN A ZOO IN LIVERPOOL AND IT RAN AT
ME.
>> Stephen: IT RAN AT YOU?
WHEN I WAS A KID, IT FRIGHTENED ME.
I WAS JUST WALKING, AND THERE WAS A LION AND HE JUST RUNS TO
THE CAGE.
>> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES?
APPLES.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THAT'S THE CORRECT ANSWER.
>> TO WHAT?
>> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES.
THE QUESTION IS APPLES OR ORANGES.
APPLES, YOU GAVE ME THE CORRECT ANSWER.
I'M ALWAYS DISAPPOINTED WHEN PEOPLE SAY ORANGES.
>> I DON'T EAT ORANGES.
>> Stephen: CAN'T PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON AN ORANGE.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE, RINGO?
>> I THINK WE GO TO HEAVEN.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S IT LIKE.
GREAT.
YOU DON'T STAY THERE TOO LONG.
YOU JUST GET YOURSELF TOGETHER AND COME BACK DOWN AND DEAL WITH
ALL THE ( BLEEP ) YOU DIDN'T DEAL WITH THE LAST TIME YOU WERE
HERE.
>> Stephen: OH, OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
FAVORITE SMELL.
>> FLOWERS OR INNOCENCE.
>> Stephen: ANY PARTICULAR FLOWER?
>> I LOVE THE STAR GAZERS.
>> Stephen: OH, I DON'T KNOW THOSE, STAR GAZERS, OKAY.
LEAST FAVORITE SMELL?
( LAUGHTER ) >> BODILY FUNCTION.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: GOOD.
EXERCISE, IS IT WORTH IT?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
FLAT OR SPARKLING?
>> STILL.
>> Stephen: STILL.
OKAY.
MOST USED APP ON YOUR PHONE.
>> TWITTER.
>> Stephen: TWITTER, OKAY.
WHAT'S YOUR TWITTER HANDLE?
IS IT RINGO?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) ASK A STUPID QUESTION...
OKAY.
YOU GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT
IS IT?
>> "COME TOGETHER."
>> Stephen: WOW...
WOW, I THINK WE JUST MADE NEWS.
IS THAT YOUR FAVORITE BEATLES SONG?
>> YEAH.
THERE'S LOTS OF OTHER FAVORITES BUT, I MEAN, IF YOU WANT ONE,
"COME TOGETHER" CAN'T BE BAD.
>> Stephen: WHY "COME TOGETHER"?
>> I THINK IT WORKED PERFECTLY WITH THE BAND AND THE SONG AND
JOHN BEING JOHN.
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
I LOVE THAT MOMENT.
>> Stephen: THE LYRICS ARE MYSTERIOUS AT TIMES.
>> OH, YEAH.
WEREN'T THEY ALWAYS.
>> Stephen: I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND ISN'T THAT MYSTERIOUS.
I GET THE IDEA OF I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND.
>> WHICH HAND DOES HE WANT TO HOLD?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I APOLOGIZE.
I APOLOGIZE, RINGO.
WHY AM I HERE QUESTIONING RINGO STARR AND HIS ANALYSIS?
WHERE DO I GET OFF?
WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF?
>> SEVEN.
>> Stephen: NO.
DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS.
>> IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT, THAT'S FIVE!
>> GOOD.
BUT DO YOU KNOW SPIKE MILLGAN THE COMEDIAN?
>> Stephen: YES.
ENGLISH GUY FROM LAGOON.
>> Stephen: YES.
WE POPPED INTO VISIT HIM, HE WASN'T WELL.
HE SAID, RING O TELL ME ABOUT EVERY SECOND OF YOUR LIFE!
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A GREAT MEMORY WITH HIM.
THANK YOU, STEPHEN, THIS HAS BEEN WONDERFUL.
AND I'M OFF.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A GOOD SIGN THE INTERVIEW IS OVER WHEN THE
GUEST STARTS TO LEAVE.
( LAUGHTER ) RINGO, I CONGRATULATE YOU.
YOU COMPLETED THE QUESTIONERT, YOU ARE KNOWN.
>> PEACE AND LOVE.
>> Stephen: PEACE AND LOVE, RINGO.
♪♪♪ THANK YOU, MR. STARKEY.
BAWE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.