- Ho-hoh, hello everyone! Good morning, students!
I'm your principal, Mr. Fent.
Today's assembly is something super --
(mic cuts out)
Super special.
(assembly boos)
(grating feedback sound from speaker)
- [Woman] Jake!
(whispers instructions indistinctly)
- Let's try this again.
Good morning Blandview High!
(speaker crackles)
- [Voiceover] Every school assembly ever.
- Young people, we are fighting a war against drugs.
- [Assembly Student] Who's winning the war?
- The drugs, because drugs are (beep) awful.
- [Voiceover] Every school assembly ever.
- Okay, if you vote for me, Charity, for class president,
I will make every Wednesday free massage day.
And then Thursdays are off,
so that we can hang out by the 7-11
where they don't check our ID's.
(assembly cheering)
And then, Friday,
the Juniors get to throw eggs at the Sophomores.
- [Voiceover] Every school assembly ever.
(recorders playing out of tune)
- [Voiceover] Every school assembly ever, dude.
- Because nobody graffitied on the women's handicap stall
this semester, you get a reward, as promised.
And your reward is Yo-Yo-Seewa!
Ha-ha, give it up, come on!
- [Assembly Student] Who the (beep) is that?
- Woo! What is up students?
What's up? I'm Yo-Yo-Seewa.
You want to know why they call me that?
'Cause in a second, you'll say
"Oh, I see what you mean about that whole yo-yo thing."
(assembly boos)
(beep) said that?
(object shatters)
- [Voiceover] Every school assembly ever.
- Uh, hello everyone, my name is Kevin.
And I am here today to talk to you about cyber bullying.
You know, back in my day, we just called it straight-up --
(falters)
bullying.
(assembly snickers)
Okay, guys.
Anyway, uh --
(assembly laughs)
Okay guys, I get it, alright? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
That's real funny.
(assembly continues laughing)
Cyber bully the cyber bullying expert! Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Why do you do this to me? What did I do to you?
You know what? I quit!
(projector clatters)
Oh, forgot my remote.
- [Voiceover] Quiet down, this is an assembly!
- Now, children, let me tell you a little story
about my brother, Michael.
Michael wanted to be a musician.
He said, "Oh let me try the doobie."
"Let me try a little giggle smoke. No big deal."
He ended up dropping out of high school,
joining a band, touring throughout the country,
opening for Coldplay, y'all.
Built a big house in Malibu.
Kids, wife, the whole shebang.
- [Assembly Student] Did anything bad happen?
- Hell no. Because Michael was a good-ass dude.
And you can't compete with that.
So don't even try, young lady.
- [Voiceover] Every school assembly ever.
(screaming)
- I'm in so much pain! Someone end it!
Anyone with a rock! Why god, why me?
Why did I ever choose to be a drunk driver?
Now you know. Okay. And now, to talk about sex-ed,
is my best friend, Sexual Edward! Come on,
give a round of applause.
- [Assembly Student] Sexy Ed!
- Ed, how are you doing today?
- (pantomiming) I have syphilis!
- Wow, and how did you get that, Ed?
- (pantomiming) Pre-marital sex.
- Ooh.
- [Voiceover] Every school assembly ever.
- And now, to introduce the Blandview dance team,
featuring Amber Roberts and Lil' Keisha.
(hardcore hip hop music begins)
(assembly cheers)
(music ends)
- Alright, thank you, thank you.
Thank you, Amber. Thank you.
Alright, that was a lot of self-expression and, uh,
we're just gonna move on, right?
- [Voiceover] Every school assembly ever.
- A yo-yo, ooh. It goes down, or it can go up!
Just like one's faith in Christ!
(assembly groans)
Oh, what, you gonna keep God as your side piece?
I don't think so.
I'm gonna do a little something called the Eiffel Tower,
because if you think about it,
if you really think about it,
your relationship with Christ is a lot like a tower.
You're leaning one way, like this,
and God is on the other side high-fiving you over someone.
(assembly boos)
Who said that?
- [Voiceover] Every school assembly ever.
(recorders playing out of tune again)
- [Voiceover] Every school assembly ever.
- What should you do if you're being pressured into sex?
- (pantomiming) I have trichomoniasis,
which means my tufted, velvety puppet areas burn.
I'm gonna go to the nearest clinic for antibiotics
'cause I've got chlamydia up the ass!
Really, you should get your hand cleaned.
- Okay, and that's it for Ed!
- [Voiceover] Every school assembly ever.
- What do you do if someone offers you drugs?
- [Assembly Student] Say no?
- No, dummy. You ask for the street value,
then you sell it for higher.
And that's what makes you an American.
Jeff Bezos would do it.
I could not imagine being that high up in the clouds,
and beyond, and not being high.
- [Voiceover] Every school assembly ever.
(beeps)
- Why don't we all take off the masks we wear every day?
Me, I'm a dancer. I was afraid to say it til now.
- [Assembly Student] Shut the (beep) up.
(beeps)
- Any more questions?
- [Assembly Student] What does you shirt stand for?
- Drugs Are Rad Everywhere.
That's what DARE actually stands for.
(beeps)
- [Assembly Student] My aunt says you're a sex offender.
- Your aunt needs to learn --
(breaking character) Oh, I'm not gonna yes-and that.
(laughing)
(beeps)
(recorders continue playing out of tune)
(laughing, clapping)
(beeps)
- Make time for Mr. Washington from DARE.
Charity! Come on.
- (shouts indistinctly)
(beeps)
(recorders still playing out of tune)
(beeps)
- You got a yo-yo stuck in her braces.
Really, I'm gonna need you to get off the stage
and maybe go to Mexico sooner than later.
There's probably a warrant out for your arrest.
Alright students, we're gonna go straight into nutrition,
so just walk out --
- No one has ever made my yo-yo stop.
- Walk out. Find the nearest exits.
- No one has ever made my yo-yo stop.
(beeps)
- This is worse than when
Bobby Fletcher tied me to the flag pole
and stripped all my clothes off
and slathered peanut butter on me
and the seagulls feasted from my naked body
for 24 hours before the firefighters finally
got done laughing at me
and took me off the god-damn flag pole!
I still have those scars!
(beeps)
- In Jesus' name --
(assembly member coughs loudly)
Okay, once again, can somebody have this lady ex-executed?
(both laughing)
Sorry.
(beeps)
- You ever hear the story about Baby Jesus in the cradle?
I will bring you gold, frankincense, and myrrh.
- [Assembly Student] You suck!
- You suck! And so do frankincense!
They expire after a year, no one tells you that.
Frankincense expire. Gold doesn't.
That's why they call it the gold standard.
And that's why,
once I find all that gold I buried, I'm (beep) out of here.
I'm going to Boca.
(beeps)
- Uh, there is a bake sale in the back, if you'd like.
All the brownies go directly to them getting new uniforms,
uh, and a dance teacher. Uh, thank you.
(all laugh, applaud)
- [Crew] Cut!