>>> IT'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GOOD
EVENING. >> WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE I'M
MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.
>>> PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS ACQUITTED IN A SENATE TRIAL THIS
WEEK. AND DEMOCRATS ARE CALLING IT A
COVER-UP. IT'S LIKE THE DAY AT THE NURSING
HOME WHEN THEY LET THE RESIDENTS PUT THEIR OWN MAKE-UP ON.
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP SPOKE AT THE PRAYER BREAKFAST AND HELD UP A
HEADLINE ABOUT HIS ACQUITTAL. I ASSUME TO PROVE THAT PRAYERS
DON'T WORK. THEN HE WENT AND ATTACKED MITT
ROMNEY A DEVOUT MORMON WHO VOTED TO CONVICT HIM.
TRUMP SAID, I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE WHO USE THEIR FAITH AS A
JUSTIFICATION FOR DOING WHAT THEY KNOW IS WRONG.
AT WHICH POINT EVEN THE PEOPLE AT THE NATIONAL PRAYER BREAKFAST
WERE LIKE, JESUS CHRIST, DUDE. >> THE DAY AFTER, PRESIDENT
TRUMP GAVE A SPEECH AT THE WHITE HOUSE WHICH HE CALLED A
CELEBRATION. >> NOT GUILTY OF THE CRIME OF
MURDER IN VIOLATION OF THE PENAL CODE --
>> OH, THAT'S THE WRONG CLIP. HERE'S THE ACTUAL ONE.
>> ADAM SCHIFF IS A VICIOUS, HORRIBLE PERSON.
NANCY PELOSI IS A HORRIBLE PERSON.
IT WAS ALL BULL [ BLEEP ]. WHEN I FIRED THAT SLEAZE BAG,
ALL HELL BROKE OUT. WELL, YOU TELL ME, WHAT DID YOU
SAY? BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.
ABE LINCOLN, I WISH HE WERE HERE.
>> AT LEAST HE'S HAPPY. [ LAUGHTER ]
THE AUDIENCE FOR TRUMP'S SPEECH CONSISTED OF REPUBLICANS AND HIS
LAWYERS, I GUESS THAT CIRCLE AIN'T GOING TO JERK ITSELF.
>>> TRUMP GAVE A MEDAL TO RUSH LIMBAUGH AND CELEBRATED THE
CREATION OF THE SPACE FORCE. A MOMENT THAT WAS PREDICTED BY A
MAD LIB I DID IN 1982. [ LAUGHTER ]
TRUMP ALSO RAILED AGAINST PUBLIC SCHOOLS CALLING THEM FAILING
GOVERNMENT SCHOOLS. OKAY, BUT YOU WENT TO PRIVATE
SCHOOL AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE KANSAS CITY IS.
AFTER THE CHIEFS WON THE SUPER BOWL TRUMP MISTAKENLY TWEETED
CONGRATULATIONS TO THE STATE OF KANSAS, DESPITE THE FACT THAT
THE CHIEFS ARE FROM KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI.
INCIDENTALLY, KANSAS HAS THE ONLY MANHATTAN WHERE TRUMP IS
STILL WELCOME. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> DURING THE STATE OF THE UNION, PRESIDENT TRUMP AWARDED
RUSH LIMBAUGH THE PRESIDENTIAL MEDAL OF FREEDOM.
AND THEN IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE SPEECH IN A MORE TOUCHING
MOMENT, RUSH TRADED THE MEDAL FOR A BOTTLE OF OXY.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> NOW, LOOK, SAY WHAT YOU WANT
ABOUT RUSH LIMBAUGH -- [ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH. THAT'S IT?
>> THAT WAS IT. >> DURING THE STATE OF THE
UNION, TRUMP ATTACKED CALIFORNIA FOR REFUSING TO COOPERATE WITH
ICE AGENTS SAYING THIS. >> THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA
PASSED AN OUTRAGEOUS LAW DECLARING THEIR WHOLE STATE TO
BE A SKANCTUARY CITY FOR CRIMINALS.
>> I'M SORRY, IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE'S BEEN LISTENING TO
THEIR OLD OUTKAST ALBUM. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> BY THE WAY, I'M JUST CURIOUS, WHAT COUNTRY ARE THOSE SKANTUARY
CITIES IN? >> THE UNITED STATES.
>> OH, MY GOD, IT'S LIKE SEAN CONNERY.
>>> THE RESULTS OF THE IOWA CAUCUS WERE DELAYED AFTER
INCONSISTENCIES WITH A VOTING APP.
THIS PROBLEMATIC VOTING APP WAS DEVELOPED BY SHADOW INC.
REMEMBER IN THE 2016 PRIMARIES WHERE THE DEMOCRATS MAIN PROBLEM
WAS TRANSPARENCY. AND THIS TIME THEY HIRED A
COMPANY CALLED SHADOW INC. THAT'S LIKE LOSING HALF YOUR
MONEY FRAUD AND THEN PUTTING THE REST OF IT INTO NIGERIAN PRINCE
NATIONAL BANK. >>> VENMAN WAS ESCORTED FROM THE
WHITE HOUSE AND FIRED. HE RECEIVED A PURPLE HEART DUE
TO A WOUND IN COMBAT. WHILE TRUMP HAS A PURPLE HEART
BECAUSE HIS BLOOD TYPE IS HAMBURGER GREASE.