WELCOME, DOWN HERE, UP THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD, TO "THE
LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
48 HOURS, LET'S SAY, AND AMERICA IS STILL REELING FROM
MONDAY'S LEAKED SUPREME COURT DECISION OVERTURNING "ROE V.
WADE."
IT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE.
BECAUSE WITH INFLATION, THE PANDEMIC, RISING FASCISM,
UKRAINE, THIS WASN'T EXACTLY AN ISSUE ON THE FRONT BURNER.
IN FACT, BACK IN 2021, A GALLUP POLL ASKED WHAT PEOPLE THOUGHT
THE MOST IMPORTANT PROBLEM FACING THE U.S. WAS, AND FEWER
THAN HALF OF 1% ANSWERED ABORTION.
BY MARCH OF 2022, THAT NUMBER WAS ZERO.
CLEARLY, AFTER 50 T TURBULENT YEARS, "ROE" WAS FINALLY NO
LONGER A FIVE-ALARM FIRE.
BUT THE CONSERVATIVE MAJORITY DECIDED TO FOLLOW THEIR STANDARD
PROTOCOL: IN CASE OF NO EMERGENCY, BURN, BABY, BURN.
IF PEOPLE DIDN'T CONSIDER THIS A PRESSING ISSUE BEFORE, THEY SURE
DO NOW.
LAST NIGHT, THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE SHOWED UP TO PROTESTS IN
WASHINGTON D.C.; NEW YORK CITY; AUSTIN, TEXAS; AND LOS ANGELES.
CALIFORNIA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S A LOT OF PEOPLE.
USUALLY, YOU ONLY GET CROWDS LIKE THAT WHEN DELTA ANNOUNCES
THEY'VE BEGUN PRE-BOARDING.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU CALL MY ZONE!
OF COURSE. AFTER YEARS OF PACKING THE SUPREME COURT WITH
THE EXPRESS INTENTION OF OVERTURNING "ROE V.
WADE," REPUBLICANS IN CONGRESS TOOK A VICTORY LAP.
JIMMY, SHOW THEIR CELEBRATION: OH, RIGHT.
I FORGOT.
THEY'RE COWARDS.
BECAUSE THEY KNOW IT'S REALLY UNPOPULAR.
SO THEY DIDN'T TALK ABOUT THE ACTUAL DECISION.
INSTEAD, REPUBLICANS FOCUSED ON THE UNPRECEDENTED NATURE OF THE
LEAK ITSELF.
LOOK, I CAN UNDERSTAND THE ARGUMENT THAT THIS LEAK IS BAD
FOR THE INSTITUTION OF THE SUPREME COURT.
BUT COME ON, DID YOU THINK WAITING TO RELEASE IT THIS
SUMMER WAS GOING TO MAKE IT A HOT BEACH READ: YOUR BODY, HIS
CHOICE.
( LAUGHTER )
OUTRAGING ABOUT THE LEAK IS SENATE MINORITY LEADER AND LEAD
SINGER FOR "HOOTIE AND THE BLOBFISH,"
THERE YOU GO.
I THOUGHT IT WAS DARIUS.
NO?
MITCH McCONNELL.
YESTERDAY, A REPORTER GAVE McCONNELL THE OBVIOUS CREDIT FOR
THE DECISION, BUT HE WAS STRANGELY HUMBLE ABOUT IT:
>> YOU SPENT DECADES TRYING TO REMAKE THE COURT, OVERTURN
"ROE."
YOU'RE POSSIBLY SINGLEHANDEDLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE 6-3
MAJORITY.
SO DO YOU TAKE PERSONAL CREDIT FOR ABORTION RIGHTS LIKELY TO GO
AWAY FOR MILLIONS OF PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY?
>> YOU KNOW, I THINK THE STORY TODAY IS AN EFFORT BY SOMEONE ON
THE INSIDE TO DISCREDIT THE INSTITUTION OF THE SENATE.
>> Stephen: COME ON!
YOUR INGENIOUS PLOT WORKED.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO CELEBRATE?
IT'S LIKE A BOND VILLAIN SAYING, "YES, I DID LAUNCH A SPACE-BASED
LASER FROM MY VOLCANIC FORTRESS, BUT GIVING ME CREDIT FOR
INCINERATING LONDON IS JUST AN EFFORT TO DISCREDIT MY FLUFFY,
WHITE CAT."
4R5U6 LAUGH "ISN'T THAT RIGHT, SNUGGLES."
( LAUGHTER )
STAY!
( APPLAUSE )
VERY OBEDIENT.
( APPLAUSE )
>> ALL OF THIS PUTS THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE.
YOU NEED, IT SEEMS TO ME-- EXCUSE THE LECTURE-- TO
CONCENTRATE ON WHAT THE NEWS IS TODAY, NOT A LEAKED DRAFT, BUT
THE FACT THAT THE DRAFT WAS LEAKED.
( LAUGHTER )
MITCH, IS EVERYTHING OKAY IN THE OLD SQUIRREL CAGE?
YOU BEEN SNACKIN' ON PAINT CHIPS?
BECAUSE YOU'RE IGNORING THE IMPORTANT PART.
YOU'RE LIKE A HUSBAND GETTING A RANSOM NOTE:
"OH, MY GOD!
LOOK AT ALL THE LETTERS THEY CUT OUT OF A MAGAZINE.
THEY'VE RUINED MY COLLECTION OF "NATIONAL GEOGRAPHICS"!
MARGARET, MARGARET, COME AND SEE THIS!
OH, MARGARET'S MISSING."
>> Jon: THAT'S WHAT THE NOTE SAYS, SHE'S MISSING.
>> Stephen: AND VERY EXPENSIVE.
McCONNELL IS NOT ALONE.
THERE WAS ALSO OUTCRY FROM SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR AND NEWEST
MEMBER OF "HOOTIE AND THE BLOBFISH," LINDSEY GRAHAM.
GRAHAM CHIMED IN WITH THIS: >> WHAT HAPPENED TO THE COURT
TODAY WAS THE SADDEST CHAPTER IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES
SUPREME COURT.
>> Stephen: "THE SADDEST CHAPTER"?
SO, SENATOR GRAHAM IS COOL WITH THE "DRED SCOTT" DECISION THAT
SAID BLACK PEOPLE ARE PROPERTY, "PLESSY V. FERGUSON" THAT
ESTABLISHED JIM CROW SEGREGATION, AND "BUCK V.
BELL," WHICH SAID IT WAS OKAY TO STERILIZE THE MENTALLY ILL.
I'M GUESSING, TO LINDSAY GRAHAM, THE SADDEST PART OF A FUNERAL IS
WHEN THEY RUN OUT OF LEMON BARS.
AS USUAL, FOX NEWS WAS COMMITTED TO NOT REPORTING THE NEWS AND
INSTEAD REPORTING SPIN THE LEAKED DRAFT INTO A WIN FOR
DEMOCRATS.
>> THIS IS A GODSEND FOR A LOT OF DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES.
>> DEMOCRATS CLEARLY USING THIS FOR THE MIDTERMS.
THEY DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT INFLATION.
THEY WANT TO TALK ABORTION.
>> IT'S VERY CURIOUS TO ME THAT THE DEMOCRATS WEREN'T TALKING
ABOUT IT UNTIL TODAY.
>> Stephen: YEAH, TYPICALLY, PEOPLE WAIT UNTIL SOMETHING
HAPPENS TO TALK ABOUT IT.
( LAUGHTER )
COMPLAINING ABOUT ICEBERGS WHEN THEY LEFT THE HARBOR.
BUT, THEN ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH, IT WAS, "ICEBERG DEAD AHEAD"
THIS, AND "NEVER LET GO...
GLUG, GLUG, GLUG" THAT.
( APPLAUSE )
ONE REPUBLICAN TOOK A BREAK FROM ATTACKING THE LEAKER TO VILIFY
WOMEN INSTEAD.
I'M TALKING ABOUT FLORIDA REPUBLICAN AND SUBWAY RIDER
CHEERING ON THE MASTURBATOR, MATT GAETZ.
IN RESPONSE TO THE NATIONWIDE PROTESTS, THIS MORNING, GAETZ
TWEETED, "HOW MANY OF THE WOMEN RALLYING AGAINST OVERTURNING
"ROE" ARE OVER-EDUCATED, UNDER-LOVED MILLENNIALS WHO
SADLY RETURN FROM PROTESTS TO A LONELY MICROWAVE DINNER WITH
THEIR CATS AND NO BUMBLE MATCHES?"
NOW, FOLKS, IF THAT STATEMENT SOUNDS INSANE, REMEMBER: FOR
MATT GAETZ, OVER-EDUCATED IS ANY WOMAN WHO'S ALREADY GRADUATED
HIGH SCHOOL.
( APPLAUSE )
NOT MEANWHILE.
WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON.
OVER IN THE PANDEMIC, COVID-19 CASES AND HOSPITALIZATIONS ARE
RISING AGAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
HOW MANY COMEBACKS DOES COVID GET?
IT'S THE MEL GIBSON OF VIRUSES.
( LAUGHTER )
WASHINGTON, MISSISSIPPI, GEORGIA, MAINE, HAWAII, SOUTH
DAKOTA, NEVADA, AND MONTANA.
COME ON!
HOW DOES IT POSSIBLY SPREAD FROM PERSON TO PERSON IN MONTANA?
EVERY PERSON IS 20 MILES APART TO GIVE SOMEONE COVID, YOU HAVE
TO LICK A PRAIRIE DOG AND THROW IT THROUGH THE WINDOW OF A
HOMESTEAD.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I BELIEVE-- I BELIEVE THEY STILL HOMESTEAD THERE, RIGHT?
MONTANA STILL HAS CABINS.
THE RISE IN CASES CAN BE BLAMED ON NEWER, FITTER DESCENDANTS OF
THE OMICRON VARIANT.
COME ON, OMICRON.
WE BROKE UP WITH YOU, AND NOW YOU'RE GETTING FITTER?
I HOPE YOU DON'T HAVE ABS, OR IN A MOMENT OF WEAKNESS, WE MIGHT
HOOK UP AGAIN.
( LAUGHTER )
ROUNDS IS A SPINOFF OF OMICRON'S BA.2 SUBVARIANT, CALLED
B2.12.1.
EVIDENTLY, THE W.H.O. RAN OUT OF GREEK LETTERS, SO NOW THEY'RE
JUST USING THE PASSWORD THAT COMES WITH YOUR ROUTER:
( AS DOCTOR )
WE RAN THE TESTS AND, UNFORTUNATELY, YOU'RE POSITIVE
FOR LOWER CASE B, AMPERSAND, 5, 6, CAPITAL Z AS IN ZAVID,
9,2,9, UNDERSCORE-NETGEAR, AND THEN A CAPITAL "O," OR A ZERO.
THERE'S NO WAY OF KNOWING."
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OFF AGAIN IS OUR NATION'S CAPITAL.
ONE PLACE WHERE COVID IS TAKING OFF AGAIN IS OUR NATION'S
CAPITAL.
A BUNCH OF FOLKS TESTED POSITIVE AFTER ATTENDING THE WHITE HOUSE
CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER, INCLUDING ABC NEWS' CHIEF
WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT, JONATHAN KARL, WHICH IS
PARTICULARLY WORRISOME, BECAUSE AT THE DINNER, KARL SHOOK HANDS
WITH PRESIDENT BIDEN-- A STORY THAT POLITICO REPORTED AS
"JONATHAN KARL TESTS POSITIVE FOR COVID AFTER SITTING NEXT TO
KIM KARDASHIAN."
WELL, OF COURSE THAT'S THEIR LEDE.
YOU WANT THE PRESIDENT TO BE HEALTHY, BUT COME ON, WE'VE HAD
45 OF THOSE GUYS.
THERE'S ONLY ONE FOUNDER OF SKIMS SHAPEWEAR.
I'M WEARING ONE RIGHT NOW.
( LAUGHTER )
EVEN WORSE, THE DINNER WAS SATURDAY, AND ON MONDAY, KIM
WENT TO THE MET GALA, WHICH-- I DON'T THINK I NEED TO REMIND
YOU-- WAS ATTENDED BY ALL OF THE KARDASHIANS FOR THE FIRST TIME
EVER.
THANKS A LOT, JONATHAN KARL.
YOU MAY HAVE JUST KNOCKED OUT OUR ENTIRE NATIONAL KARDASHIAN
RESERVE.
( LAUGHTER )
THE HILTONS?
DO THEY EVEN MAKE A LIP KIT?
( LAUGHTER )
AFTER ATTENDING THE DINNER, SECRETARY OF STATE ANTONY
BLINKEN TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID.
NOW, MAYBE I'M OUT OVER MY SKIS HERE, BUT I'M STARTING TO THINK
THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE SERVED DINNER "LADY AND THE TRAMP"
STYLE.
( LAUGHTER )
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE GLENN CLOSE AND SHERYL CROW.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MY WIFE, EVIE, AND I HAVE SOME FIRST
DRAFTS OF MOTHER'S DAY CARDS.
STICK AROUND.