*Intro song starts*
"He's gonna take you back to the past."
"To play the shitty games that suck ass."
"He'd rather have..."
"A buffalo..."
"Take a diarrhea dump in his ear."
"He'd rather eat"
"The rotten asshole"
"Of a roadkill skunk, and down it with beer."
"He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard..."
"He's the angry Nintendo nerd."
"He's the angry, Atari, Sega nerd."
"He's the Angry Video Game Nerd."
Alright, let's dig into a big pile of bat shit!
As you can see
I'm all ready, because...
In order to play bad Batman games, and do em' justice...
You gotta be Batman!
Let's start with "Batman: The Caped Crusader" for Commodore 64
This game came a year before the Tim Burton movie
Which makes it the only game on our list that's not movie licensed.
You get a choice to fight against The Penguin or The Joker
But both games seem to be identical
I never really got far enough to find out.
Everytime you exit a screen, another panel pops up.
I guess they were trying to make it look like a comic book, but's it's just awkward.
The first enemies you encounter are what I think are toy airplanes and gargoyles
or bats which takes shits on you
Yeah, if you look close enough
You can see the little shit bombs dropping out of their asses
The control is weird. As you can see, the instruction manual explains it.
To do different punches and kicks you have to hold the joystick in a certain direction while hitting the button.
It's also ridiculous trying to hit anybody, you have to be like a step away!
And no matter times you hit somebody, they don't die!
Die!
What the hell?
There's also this annoying menu screen that keeps popping up.
It took me a while to figure out that I activate this thing by pressing down and the button.
So I get to this menu by total accident and I don't know what to do here!
What is all this shit?
Restart game?!
Who the fuck is talking about restarting?
Oh, the keypad's busted.
Oh that's great.
Yeah, that's another thing about the Commodore.
It only works when it feels like it.
Well anyway, the game sucks! Gotta give it the Batman punishment!
I'm Batman
*Disk hitting the ground*
Next, is the one that most people know.
"Batman" on the NES
Overall, when it comes to games, the Dark Knight has been treated better than Superman
Because there do exist good Batman games
And this is one of them.
The graphics are dark and stylish.
Just like the movie it represents.
And the music is kick ass!
*Deep 8-Bit music*
The gameplay is addicting, you have a punch and a variety of Bat weapons
You have a Ninja Gaiden style wall-jump, which is something you really need to get used to
Because as the game progresses, it gets trickier, and trickier.
There's this one part, which I swear you have no choice but to get hit by these spinning gears.
Getting up to The Joker takes alot of patience. And if you actually beat him, you deserve a medal.
A good game for the NES library, but a hard son of a bitch!
Next up, "Batman Returns" on Super Nintendo
With the release of the movie sequel, many more games came in to cash in on the franchise
This one's alot simpler, just a good old arcade style beat-em up.
It's mind numbing and redundant, but satisfying as Hell.
You just beat the shit out of em!
There are many versions of Batman Returns, and here's one on Sega CD.
It showed off some impressive graphics for the time, like the cinematic shot of Batman behind the wheel.
And the 3D driving stages.
To tell you the truth, I never made it past these driving stages.
It just goes ON and ON.
Boring as shit! Next game.
I'm Batman...
*CD Shattering*
Next up, "Batman Returns" for the Atari Lynx.
Alot of these early handheld consoles had the same problem. You can barely see the screen, you gotta tilt it at the right angle
So this isn't going to be easy to play...
Anyway, you're just going around punching people.
It's pretty self explanatory, but GOD DAMN is it hard!
I keep getting hit by dynamite and I can barely see where it's coming from!
And there doesn't seem to be any type of jump attack.
Damn!
Alright, well this one gets the official Bat-Stamp of shit!
On to the next game. But first, gotta tell it I'm Batman.
I'm Batmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan...
"The Adventures of Batman and Robin" on Super Nintendo.
Yeah, of course they had to make a Batman game based off of every Batman movie that came out
but they also had to done one based off of the Animated Series.
It's kinda like a cross between a beat-em up and a 2D side scroller.
You just keep moving right, and bashing everybody in your way.
But then there come times when you need a little bit of problem solving to figure out what to do.
Sometimes it gets kind of annoying like this part.
How the Hell was I supposed to know I can't jump on the rollercoaster?!
But in conclusion, this is one that you might want to try out.
Not a bad game, let it pass.
Next up, "Batman Forever" for the Super Nintendo.
Now we're in deep shit, because this game, is triceratops testicles.
Since the sidescrolling, driving, and beat-em up thing had already been done to death
My guess is that they were trying something a little different with this game.
As soon as it begins, you'll notice it bears an uncanny resemblance to Mortal Kombat.
It's literally the same control scheme with all the same moves.
Being that it was made by Aklaim, it makes you wonder, why they would repackage a fighting game into a Batman game,
I almost expect to see Batman rip someone's spinal cord out
This kind of fighting style just doesn't work for a platforming, sidescroller like this.
It just slows things down!
Whenever you knock somebody to the ground, you gotta wait for them to get back up again.
You hit them again, and it just goes on! and on! and on!
It's also annoying that UP is jump where there is plenty of buttons to choose from!
But that's only the beginning to how atrociously ASS this fuckfest is!
Within the first minute or two, you come to a wall which is pretty much a dead end, you can't do jack shit!
So you figure "Okay, I probably have to go up there." So you try jumping all around but it's useless.
You try every possible combination of buttons, till you find that SELECT shoots this wire out of your crotch.
That's real random right? The select button?!
But this wire or grappling hook or whatever, it doesn't latch on to anything!
Almost as if it's just for show.
At first, I thought you just need to stand in the right spot, but no matter where I go, nothing happens!
Fuck! Shit!
Get up there!
This is fucking BULLSHIT!
You'd think to shoot up, you'd just press up but NO it jumps!
Sometime's I'd get it to work by pure luck until I found out that "Okay, this is how it works."
To shoot up you press select and up in a very specific way.
You have to press select, slightly before you press jump.
If you do it correctly, it shoots the grappling hook straight up in the air.
But if you press them both at the same time, you just jump.
That's a good reason why the jump button SHOULD NOT BE UP!
WHY CAN'T IT BE ONE OF THE FUCKING BUTTONS?!
HAVING THE FUCKING UP BUTTON JUMP IS FUCKING FUCKED UP!
If THIS aimed your grappling hook, and this jumped, then it would be fine.
But NO, they gotta be the same button!
And on top of that, you have to be standing the correct spot.
And this spot is VERY precise.
You'd think all that matters is if you're under the hole.
But NO, It's like exact! This one magic pixel of a spot!
You gotta be RIGHT on the mark!
So you just lumber all around trying to find out where to go
And whenever you access a new part of the game, it says "Hold on".
Hold on for what? It HAS TO FUCKING LOAD?!
It's also interesting to note that you have the option of playing as Robin.
But who would do that? I wanna be Batman.
I guess the goal is to rescue all the security guards
When you untie them, they do this melodromatic sort of pose like "Yay! I'm free!"
The villains are all stock, it's just guys in flashy suits and guys with chainsaws.
Oooh! look at that, chainsaw to the dick.
Why does it take so long to kill people?
*Ingame music*
Everything is so dark, you can never tell where there is a door.
Then you walk back and look for one of those spots where you can use your grappling dick.
See? Right there, that was just a lucky guess.
Another problem is that the fuckin' foreground keeps blocking me!
It's like "Get that shit out of the way! I can't see what I'm doing!"
I'd rather have a diarrhea dog take a lava dump all over the screen!
And just when you thought you had the controls all figured out, where you need to jump down.
You'd expect to be able to push down, maybe in combination with the jump button.
But oh, that's right, there is no fucking jump button! It's up.
That would be pretty impressive, to be able to press down and up at the same time.
Well anyway, you try every combination imaginable and guess what?
It's down and R!
Yeah! R! That's not even one of the main buttons! Why R?!
And again, the R button has to be tapped slightly before you press down.
And sometimes there isn't even a hole to tell you where you're able to do that!
Why is everything so cryptic?!
This is fucked beyond belief!
It's like the controls in this game are like something you would do for a cheat code!
Not a basic move that you have to do, in order to play the game!
Why did they program it in such an asinine, ballbrained, cockimaney, ridiculous fashion?!
It's like jeez! there's four buttons right on the front of the controller!
But that's not enough to work with?! Instead they have to like program it like all into like weird kinda crazy button combinations and shit?!
It's like what were they thinking?!
It's like up is jump! Select for the grappling hook!
Select shouldn't even be part of the game, select should be like for the menus or something.
I mean jeez! Were they trying to just ruin this game, just flat out fuck it up!?
Well they did!
Batman Forever, it sucked back then! And it sucks forever!
I'm Batmaaaaaaan
That's it, that's all the shitty Batman games I can take.
*Joker laughing*
Batman! Batman! You want to play a really shitty Nintendo game Batman?!
Well how about "Return of The Joker" on Nintendo Entertainment System!
But I'm not really Batman though.
You're not Batman?! Batman! You're Batman! I'm Batman!
*Joker laughing*
Come on Batman! Let's play
*Smack!*
*Batman theme*
I'm not playing anymore shitty Batman games!
Ooh Hoo Hoo! Yes you are!
*Groaning*
*Joker Laughing*
Ooh Batman! Let me give you a hand!
*Laughter*
Will the Bat Nerd escape The Joker?
What bad games does he have up his sleeve?
Tune in next episode!
Same Bat Time!
Same Bat Channel!
English Subtitles done by "The Reaper"