[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - Welcome back to the show.
Five weeks ago, we profiled the inspiring woman who bravely
broke the glass ceiling for how many conflicts of interest
a West Wing staffer can have.
What was the secret of Ivanka's success?
We had no idea.
So imagine our excitement when we came back from DC
to find her brand-new instruction
manual waiting on our doorstep like an emboldened immigration
officer.
[GASPS] Hurray!
Now we can start our own book club.
[MUSIC - JEAN JOSEPH MOURET, "FANFARE RONDEAU,
SUITE DE SYMPHONIES"]
In "Women Who Work," first daughter
and human tooth-whitening strip Ivanka Trump
writes about her struggle as the working
mother of a beautiful 10-year-old lifestyle brand.
IVANKA TRUMP (RECORDING): In 2007, I launched
my fine jewelry collection.
Women were interested in buying jewelry for themselves
and were no longer waiting for a man to do it for them.
Oh, Alexa, quit ruining feminism.
If there's one thing the author inherited from her dad--
besides, you know, absolutely everything--
it's his recipe for word salad.
People talk about balance and finding balance.
But, you know, in and of itself, balance
implies a scale, which never stays in balance for very long.
So rather, I try to make sure that my life is
generally architected around the priorities
that I've set for myself.
And we're all working really hard at architecting
the lives that we want to live.
Supporting women in architecting this ideal life for themselves.
Encourages her to architect a life that she wants to live.
Oh my God, stop using "architect" as a verb.
That's not how you language.
Learn how to architect a sentence.
Someone also told her that life is a verb, which really
makes me look forward to Ivanka's companion
line of Facebook memes.
But if you're not a fan of Ivanka's prose, don't worry,
you won't find much of it in this book.
"Women Who Work" contains more fonts than original thoughts.
There are 208 names cited in this book.
She has a lot of inspirational quotes from different people,
from Oprah to Gandhi, obviously including
Jane Goodall, Deepak Chopra.
REPORTER (ON TV): Reviews calling
it "a strawberry milkshake of inspirational quotes."
OK, still, that's better than her father, whom
reviewers are calling "an Orange Julius
of incomprehensible bullshit."
True to her family's branding empire,
Ivanka wrote this book largely by taking other people's work
and stamping her name on it.
Practically every word that isn't
"I," "Trump," or "architecting" is cribbed
from BrainyQuotes.com or another self-help book,
mainly "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,"
which she quotes over 30 times.
So Ivanka clearly has at least as much wisdom
to offer as three guys on your flight in premium economy.
It's like Ivanka forgot she had a book assignment,
remembered on the last day, ran to the Hudson Books,
ripped out random pages, then vision-boarded them together
with the contents of her wastebasket to create "Women
Who Work," the only book to quote
Nelson Mandela, Sun Tzu, and Meatwad
from "Aqua Teen Hunger Force."
No, I did not make that up.
Ivanka did when she mistakenly attributed a quote
by this little-known pastor and marriage
guru to this even littler-known screenwriter and voice actor
with the same name.
And now she works in the White House advising the president.
[LAUGHS] We're all going to die.
[INHALES]
Who could have anticipated that confining
your research to internet memes would have downside?
One particularly regrettable passage--
she uses a Toni Morrison quote about the devastating impacts
of black slavery to start a chapter
called "Working Smarter" that asks,
"Are you a slave to time--
to your time or the master of it?"
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
[SIGHS]
Oh no, girl, oh no.
When Whoopi Goldberg is sighing at you,
things have gone horribly wrong.
You in danger, girl.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Mm-hm, yeah.
Ivanka Trump is, of course, white--
so white that she thinks four people named Bara, Tamara,
Dara, and Lara, which sounds like a millennial version
of "The Heathers"-- but it takes a special kind of whiteness
to take a Maya Angelou line about racism,
mangle it, and apply it to asking for a raise.
Though I get why she changed it.
Paying for what you get isn't exactly part
of the Trump family philosophy.
But I'm sorry, I interrupted you while you
were Columbusing feminism.
This modern working woman is working hard
at all aspects of her life and all her passions.
You know, when you have children and your child gets sick,
well, there goes your balance.
You're not going into work that day.
Or the next day because your boss at the chicken processing
plant, who is not your dad, will probably fire you for skipping
work to take care of your kid.
[GASPS] Follow your bliss.
If you were raised working poor, like me,
this book will inspire you.
Specifically, it will inspire you
to challenge the next rich woman you see
to a broken beer bottle fight.
It's full of super-relatable stories,
like the time Anna Wintour called
Ivanka, then a senior in college,
to offer her a job at "Vogue."
And Ivanka turned it down to fulfill
her dream of becoming a builder, which
is what she calls herself.
And, no, that is not a joke.
That's a story that Princess Aurora
thought the average woman could learn something from.
OK, look.
Ivanka is smart, polished, and hardworking.
I truly believe that if she hadn't been Donald Trump's
daughter, she would still have been
one of the more successful Realtors
in the Southeast Tampa area.
But her belief that she's a role model is laughable.
The Germans have a word for the brand of female empowerment
Ivanka is selling.
Actually, the Germans have a lot of words about America's
new family-style government, including [GERMAN], which
means, the sick feeling you get when
the former beacon of democracy delegates
Meadow Soprano to a G20 summit.
Honestly, the Germans are so uber Ivanka.
REPORTER (ON TV): Some people in the audience at a women's forum
in Germany booed and hissed when she discussed how her father
has helped empower women.
Although part of the problem may have been the way
her company translated the #womenwhowork
hashtag into German.
Anyhow, if you want to pickle yourself
in the vapid platitudes that didn't help
her climb from the very, very top all the way
to the terrifyingly inappropriately influential,
"Women Who Work" is available for $26 at bookstores
or free at your local library, where you can help
future borrowers by returning the dust jacket
with a better book inside. [LAUGHING]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Anyway, this is a milestone for Ivanka.
Finally, she can claim to have a jacket that's made in America.
We'll be right back.
[MUSIC PLAYING]