( upbeat music plays )
Welcome back.
Every single day of the year, people are being born.
- Mm-hmm. - They are called babies,
joy bundles, mini-humans,
slimy former tummy-dwellers.
- Oh, gosh. - So that means, every single day of the year,
there are birthdays to be celebrated.
And that makes the old "Happy Birthday" song boring,
- Mm. - overdone...
- Mm-hmm. - slimy...
- former and un-special. - Whoa, yeah, slimy and former.
That's why we've come up with new ones,
custom-crafted birthday songs
to make each birthday boy and girl feel special.
- Mm-hmm. - And there's a very, very special birthday girl today.
- Who? - Tay Tay!
Taylor Swift, we got one for her.
This one's for you, Taylor.
( music playing )
- Bam! - Yeah.
You're gonna die one day, Taylor,
- because we all are! - But today's your birthday.
- So we're celebrating. - Yeah, don't dwell on that.
I hope you liked that custom song.
I'm just saying, we're all in this together.
Yeah, we are. We're all gonna die.
I've got another situation,
which I think this concept of a custom-made birthday song
- is gonna help with. - Okay.
When I moved out of the house of my mama...
( snickers ) Okay.
...and then I actually got married.
- You did, I remember that. - To Christy.
Still married.
And then she was pregnant with our first child, Lily.
Uh-huh.
My mom, lo and behold, decides
to get married herself.
Yeah, yeah, they can do that.
- To a guy named Lewis. - Mm-hmm.
Who, I'm told, that technically makes him my stepfather.
- Yep. - But I've never been comfortable
- calling him "stepdad." - Right.
Not only to himself, but to anyone.
I'm like, "This is my mom, Sue,
and this is her husband Lewis."
- Right. - So I'm, like...
I don't know what to do.
An adult person who has a new stepdad.
- Right. - That is a common situation.
Right, and so common that I think this song
that I've written for Lewis
will apply to the dad that's really your stepdad,
but you don't really want to call him that
- when it's his birthday. - Yes.
Lewis, this song is for you.
( music playing )
Ooh!
- Happy Birthday. - Sorry, Lewis.
- Don't apologize! - I mean, you didn't have to throw
that little jab in there at the end.
I mean, he's like a father.
He's like a dad.
He's just not your real dad.
Yeah, he knows that.
But that was beautiful, Link. That was very beautiful.
I'm sure Lewis is watching it with Sue
and appreciating every bit.
- Yeah. - Now, here's another life situation
that I have found myself in from time to time.
Your wife becomes friends with another woman,
- and that woman... no, no, no. - You're not a woman, dude.
No, your wife becomes friends with...
- With a person who happens to be a woman. - ...with a woman, yeah.
And that woman has a husband,
and then by default, you're supposed to be friends with the husband.
- Yeah. - But you're not really friends with the husband,
but you gotta hang out with him sometimes,
- Yeah. - and there may be, like, a double-date situation.
Yeah. ( inhales sharply )
You know what I'm talking about.
This one's for you, Todd.
( music playing )
And that's just how it is, isn't it?
- It is that way. - That's just how it is.
- Mm-hmm. - And happy birthday to you,
you know, if you happen to be birthday-ing it today.
Yes. And click through to watch the cutest dogs in the world
open the best presents in the world.
( giggles ) Yeah.
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