- Hey, everybody, happy Thursday.
Today's question is a good one
and it comes from the website.
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but let's get into that question.
Kati, how do you tell the difference between neediness
and needs that need to be met?
Also, how do you know what is okay to need?
Can neediness be dealt with
by setting boundaries towards others?
That's how I interpreted it when I watched the video.
I've always thought you've had to set boundaries
for your own behavior.
I thought this question was a really good one
and I'm gonna try to answer in order
of kinda how she asked it.
Now, her first question asking what's the difference
between neediness and needs that need to be met,
I first want to acknowledge that we all have needs,
every one of us and that's completely okay.
We have physical needs like I need to eat,
I need to drink water, I need to sleep, all the basic stuff
and we also have emotional needs
and everyone's are gonna be different
and so the truth about neediness
is that it's been given a bad name.
People use it to put us down,
to tell us we shouldn't have any needs
or the need that we have is not okay
and that's simply not true.
Where it becomes a problem is when it's attachment based
meaning that we expect without maybe even realizing it,
a lot of this can be subconscious,
but we can expect someone else to fill that role.
Whatever that need is, we're expecting someone else
to do it for us and the truth about our needs
is that we have to do the work to get them filled.
Does that make sense?
Let me give you an example.
Let's say that I thrive, one of my love languages,
I thrive off of words of affirmation.
A way that I can get that need met
is by expressing that to my loved ones,
to my husband, to my closest friends.
So you know I took this test about the five love languages.
If you wonder what I'm referencing,
I'll link it in the description
but you could let them know,
hey, I find that I'm most fulfilled and feel the best
when people just kind of let me know
when I'm doing things that are good.
Words of affirmation are really important to me.
That way, I'm giving them the opportunity
to fill the need for me.
I'm not gonna go out and ask people every day point blank,
so what do you like about me, so how do you feel I did that
because then that's when I'm expecting other people
to completely do the work for me
versus me recognizing what it is I need,
asking close people in my life to do that
and then also doing it myself.
If that's something I need, I can say those things to myself
and so I think that that's kind of where
I would tease it out is that we're working on ourselves.
We all have needs and needs that need to be met
but when we expect other people to do all the work for us,
I think that that's when it could turn into neediness.
Does that make sense?
Now, moving on to the second part of her question.
She asks, how do you know what is okay to need?
The truth is that's gonna take some work on your part.
I can't tell you what you should need
because everyone's gonna be different.
Like I said, we're all gonna have physical needs.
Those are very basic and we all have them
but then we're gonna have emotional needs
and that's gonna vary from person to person
and I think what I would encourage you to do
is to either journal and go, what I call it going inside
thinking about what it is that I really thrive on
like the love languages.
I think that's really helpful for a lot of people
figuring out how it is that we receive love
and what's the best way that we actually get that message.
That can be super helpful.
Another thing is just recognizing
what maybe sore spots we have because of our past.
Are there past experiences that have left us
feeling like shit?
Maybe those are some of the things
that we try seeking out in other people
and we need to recognize that
so that we make sure we're doing it healthfully
and if you're able, I think it would be really amazing
to work in therapy on this, on all of our needs
and talking about it
so that we recognize it's coming from a certain place,
we're working through it
and we're expressing it to others in our life
in a healthy and happy way
but unfortunately, I can't tell you what's okay to need
because everybody's gonna be different.
Now to get into the final portion of her question
and that is can neediness be dealt with
by setting boundaries towards others?
That's how I interpreted it when I watched the video.
I've always thought that you had to set boundaries
for your own behavior and part of this is yes.
Neediness can be dealt with a little bit
by setting boundaries
and the reason that I'm using those terms
is because if we understand where the need's coming from
and we're processing through it
and trying to reach out in a healthy way,
that healthy way is gonna involve some boundaries
meaning I may not,
I recognize that I have a need
and I wanna maybe lash out and reach out
and do something impulsively
but because I know and I've set these boundaries,
I've worked on it, I recognize that thought, that urge,
I take a minute, I breathe
and then I respond in a healthy way,
a healthy way that respects the boundary
meaning that I'm not gonna reach out for someone
and expect them to fill the need.
I'm gonna do the work myself
and so in a way boundaries can kind of protect us
and keep us safe because I think,
with regard to this question, when it comes to neediness,
we're kind of talking about attachment
and what we expect like expectations from other people
and how attached we can become to them
and that's why I don't want you to feel
like people can fill the void for you
because we can never count on others
to completely heal us or fill that.
That's something we have to do for ourselves
and only then can we truly heal and feel full
and know that no matter what everybody else does
because we can't control what others do, right,
no matter what anybody else does,
we know that we'll be okay because we've done the work,
we've got our needs met,
we're taking care of ourselves healthfully
and then you'll feel so much better.
There won't be so much volatility.
We won't feel so impulsive.
We can feel so much more calm.
I hope you found this helpful.
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'cause there's a lot I could say about this topic
but leave your thoughts in the comments,
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Bye.