-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
You're here. [ Cheers and applause ]
You made it.
Thank you for watching. Thanks for being here.
Well, guys, this is very exciting.
Tomorrow is the official start of summer.
[ Cheers and applause ] Tomorrow.
I love summer, although I could have done
without this on my subway ride to work today.
A guy handed me sunscreen and asked if I would do his back.
I go -- [ Laughter ]
Here's some good news. Starting tomorrow,
COVID vaccine shots will be available to kids 5 and under.
Yeah, that's right. [ Cheers and applause ]
That's -- That's right, kiddos. No more excuses.
Time to head back to the office like the rest of us.
Yeah. [ Laughter ]
Yep, kids can finally get vaccinated against COVID.
Meanwhile, Chuck E. Cheese was like,
[ Puffs cigarette ] "I still wouldn't touch that ball pit."
[ Coughing ] [ Laughter ]
That's right. Kids as young as 6 months
can get Pfizer's three-dose vaccine.
Yep, every parents dream -- taking their kid
three times in a row to get a shot.
[ Laughter ] Three shots.
Right now, parents are like, "What the hell?
Might as well get their ears pierced, too."
[ Laughter ]
Well, everyone's been talking about this.
Over the weekend, President Biden
was on a bike ride...
[ Laughter ]
I don't even need to do a joke. -Yeah.
-He's going for a bike ride near his beach house in Delaware
when he took a little spill.
Here, check this out, if you haven't seen it.
[ Cheers ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Sad tuba ]
[ Laughter ] [ Cymbals crash ]
Poor Biden. Even his bike was like,
"I'm sorry, but I can no longer support you."
[ Laughter ]
If you want to see that clip again,
it's airing on a 24-hour loop on Fox News.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, it's -- it's shocking.
Not the fall, that Biden looks kind of good in bike shorts.
That's what I thought. I go, "Interesting."
That's right, Biden fell and everyone has jokes,
but no one ever talks about how good he used to be on a bike.
Do you guys remember this video?
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
They never show that.
I mean, that was back -- that was back before --
-Wow! -That was back before
you had toe clips or whatever. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] Penny-farthing.
-Yeah. Speaking of the President,
according to a recent poll, most Americans do not want Biden
or former President Trump to run again in 2024.
Yeah, in two years, America is gonna walk into a voting booth
like, "Uh, can we choose 'None of the above'?
What are we --" [ Laughter ]
I think we're at the point now where 2024 is just gonna be
holograms of JFK and Reagan. You go...
[ Laughter ]
It's a tough choice. People are like,
"Do I want a guy who can't ride a bike
or a guy who can't walk down a ramp?
I don't know which --" [ Laughter ]
Well, on Saturday, Trump held a rally in Memphis,
and he said pretty much what you'd expect.
So, instead of showing the same clips
you've seen a million times, it's time
for another installment of "Trump With No Context."
Enjoy.
♪♪
Shyeah! Ahhh!
[ Grunts ]
Unnhhh!
Unh!
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ] -What?
-You guys see this? Apparently, HBO is working on
a "Game of Thrones" spinoff series based around Jon Snow.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'm pretty sure that already exists.
It's called "Game of Thrones." Am I wrong?
[ Laughter ]
That would be like NBC creating a "Seinfeld" spinoff
based on Jerry. [ Laughter ]
Hey, this is exciting. A new trailer for the next
"Fast & Furious" sequel just came out,
and I gotta say, it looks pretty intense.
Check this out.
[ Engines revving ]
-This summer, fasten your seatbelts
because the family is getting back together
for one more epic ride.
[ Laughter ]
"Fast & Furious X: Joe-Kyo Drift."
[ Bike bell rings ]
Presented in partnership with Metamucil.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-"Joe-Kyo Drift." -"Joe-Kyo."
-[ Laughs ] "Joe-Kyo Drift."
Yeah. -"Joe-Kyo Drift."
[ Laughter ]
Wow. -Hey, guys, get this.
I heard about a guy who was addicted to Pepsi
and said he drank 30 cans a day for 20 years.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
Yeah, asked what finally made him stop, he said,
"I tried a Coke." [ Laughter ]
Yeah, he's totally fine, except if you shake him, he explodes.
[ Laughter ]
Ladies and gentlemen, I read that, according to a new poll,
Americans only feel relaxed for about 40 minutes a day.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
I thought we'd try to get that up to 41
by sharing some relaxing thoughts, right now,
during this show. Can I get some music, please?
[ Soft music plays ] [ Clears throat ]
Here we go.
[ Laughter ]
Hey.
[ Laughter ]
No one remembers that you had bangs.
[ Laughter and applause ]
When your friends make a new group chat,
they type in your name first.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
Every day, your mailman's like, "Oh, my God.
This is the most mail I've ever seen!"
[ Laughter ]
You're not a wimp for peeling off the pudding skin.
That stuff's gross.
[ Laughter and applause ]
If he met you, Channing Tatum would probably like you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
That e-mail that you've been meaning to send for two years,
when you finally send it, it'll be that much more special.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Last night at dinner, you said something so funny,
the waiter told the chef about it.
[ Laughter and applause ]
♪♪
Nobody flosses.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Everyone's knees crack a little when they kneel.
Yeah. [ Laughter ]
The cooler you are, the louder they crunch.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And finally, you look great in that first selfie.
There's no need to take any more.
[ Laughter ] You nailed it.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you. I feel better.
I feel better. I feel more relaxed.
I feel better. Thank you.
[ Applause ]
Well, it was a crazy travel weekend all over the world.
And I saw that there was a luggage malfunction
at the London Heathrow Airport that created a bit of a backup.
If you haven't seen this, take a look at this.
-Oh! -Wow.
-It's odd when an airline loses your baggage
but also knows exactly where it is.
[ Laughter ]
One woman said, "That's why I tie
a little red ribbon on my bag."
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, T.J.Maxx is like, "Looks fine to us.
That looks cool. That's normal."
[ Laughter ]
And finally, it's time for our latest installment
of "Tonight Show" Polls.
Here we go, ladies and gentlemen.
-♪ "Tonight Show Polls" ♪
Now this first poll asked...
[ Cheers and applause ]
This next poll asked...
And there you go. Alright.
[ Laughter and applause ]
No. We're good.
This next poll asked...
[ Laughter and applause ]
This next poll said...
[ Laughter and applause ]
"I'm a genius."
This next one asked...
[ Laughter and applause ]
This last poll asked...
That's all the time we have for "Tonight Show Polls."