- What do you do when people don't like you?
First of all,
I've said this before, and I'll say it again.
This is not a green screen, (laughs).
This is outside.
What do you do when people don't like you?
What do you do?
I think there's two ways to answer this question.
And the first way is nothing, who cares,
and not who cares but nothing, don't do anything about it.
And the second way is:
how do you know they don't like you?
How do you really know that?
And let's address both of these situations.
One where they may really not like you,
what do you do about that?
If it's genuinely 100% fact they don't like you,
they've told you they don't like you,
what do you do about that?
And then number two,
well, how do you know they don't like you really
if they haven't just flat-out told you.
How do you handle both of those?
First of all, let's deal with
you think somebody doesn't like you.
How do you handle that?
Because it can make you feel terrible.
You feel like, "Oh my gosh, what's wrong with me?
"Why don't people like me?
"I'm a nice person.
"If I can just make them laugh,
"I know they'll like me."
Or "if I can just be around them,
"I think they could see me, I know they would like me."
And then (indistinct) you think they don't like you.
So then you get stressed out.
You get depressed, you get anxiety,
you start feeling bad about yourself.
When you have negative thoughts,
your body will produce chemicals and response to that.
Bad thoughts, bad chemicals.
Good thoughts, positive chemicals.
Dopamine is...and... oxytocin,
and serotonin, all have roles in our mood.
Oxytocin is the love hormone.
It's when you give somebody a hug,
and you feel like close to them,
when you trust them and they hug you back,
your body produces oxytocin.
That's a great feeling.
And that positive thought produces a good feeling.
Negative thoughts produce negative feelings.
You think negative thoughts, you get stressed,
your body produces cortisol,
cortisol damages your ability to think and remember.
And as a memory expert,
memory is pretty important to me, and so is my brain.
So what do you do
before you go down this rabbit hole
of thinking negative thoughts:
you think somebody doesn't like you?
Well, there's a couple of things that are going on here.
The first thing is you may be mind-reading.
If you haven't gone and talked to them,
you might be attempting to read their mind.
Let me ask you this.
Are you a really good mind reader?
Have you been good at mind reading in the past?
What number am I thinking of right now?
I was thinking of 42.
If you didn't think 42,
you're not a very good mind reader.
Don't mind read.
Talk to the person.
I had a friend who lived in my building,
and every time we got on the elevator together,
I thought this was a cool guy.
But when we first met, he didn't talk to me,
he wouldn't even look at me.
He was just like,
"How are you doing?
"How's it going?"
And I was like, man, this guy, he doesn't like me.
I don't know what's wrong.
And for six months a year,
every time I saw him, I made up stories.
He doesn't like me
because he thinks that I am interested in his girlfriend
or he doesn't like me because of this.
And I made up all these stories on why he didn't like me
and why he was wrong for not liking me.
Well, for about a year, I had these stories in my brain.
And then we were at a party together
one day at a friend's place.
And he and I happened to be at the same table
so we started talking.
And in that conversation, he said,
"Yeah, my son committed suicide about a year and a half,
"two years ago."
And it was like,
I thought, oh my,
two years ago.
That is exactly the time I met him.
And for that entire year, I thought he hated me,
but his son had just committed suicide.
It wasn't about me.
When we got on the elevator and he was in this daze
because of his son.
I made it about me.
Why doesn't he like me?
Well, guess what?
It had nothing to do with me.
And when I got to talk to him later,
I didn't even tell him that I thought he didn't like me.
Because at that point, my question was answered.
We had a great conversation that day in our friend's house,
and I've seen him 50 times since then.
He's been the friendliest guy.
He was going through a really hard time in his life.
Don't mind read and try to guess someone's behavior.
Talk to them.
Number one, don't mind read.
Number two, don't just think negative feelings.
Don't go with your feelings.
Just because you feel something doesn't mean it's true.
Don't be always responding to your feelings.
Don't fortune-tell.
"Oh, you know what?
"I'm not even gonna go meet that person
"because I know they're not gonna like me anyways."
Well, how do you know that?
You haven't met them.
You're fortune-telling.
So you got to talk to people.
And here's a series of questions
that you can really ask yourself
and it's really beneficial.
When you have a thought that somebody doesn't like you
or a negative thought,
or you're mind-reading or you're fortune-telling
or you're catastrophizing,
you're just thinking the worst possible outcome
to the situation,
go through a series of questions and ask yourself:
how do I know it's true?
How do I really know it's true?
Is it possible that it's not true?
What are the other things
that could explain their behavior around me?
Could they really stressed about work?
Could they be really stressed about family?
Could they be really stressed about a friendship
or a relationship or money?
Are there any other things other than me
that they could be stressed about?
And I think inevitably
you're gonna come up with the answer yes.
Unless you've talked to a person,
don't let your mind go down that rabbit hole
because it's just gonna produce anxiety and stress,
and cortisol and depression.
Now let's flip that around.
You have talked to them and they don't like you.
What are you gonna do about it?
Nothing.
Literally nothing.
Don't try to convince them why you're such a great person.
Don't try to prove your side of the story.
Just let it be.
Number one, if you let it be,
it might blow over and one day they will like you.
But even if they don't, what does that say about you?
A lot of times, this says nothing about you.
Have you ever gone to a movie
and you walked into the movie
and you thought this is a great movie,
then you talk to somebody two days later
who saw the same movie
and they said, "Oh, that was a terrible movie"?
What does it say about the movie
that one person loved it and one person hated it?
It says nothing about the movie.
It's the perspective of the person.
It says nothing about you.
Oftentimes when somebody doesn't like you,
it's all based on their perspective, their past,
what's going on in their brain,
and it's not right or wrong.
Then just you might not fit into the box of what they like.
And that's okay.
Are there people that rub you the wrong way?
They're maybe not terrible people,
but just something about them rubs you the wrong way.
Sure.
There're people that rub me the wrong way,
and I'm sure they're actually decent person,
they have flaws, but guess what?
I probably have some of those flaws, too,
and maybe the flaws that I don't like about them,
or because they remind me of myself.
Who knows?
Or somebody says, "Man, this dessert is great.
"You wanna try this dessert?"
And you taste the dessert.
You're like, "Ah, that's gross."
What does it say about the dessert?
Nothing.
It is based on that person.
Oftentimes, people's opinion of you
is nothing related to you.
It's based on them.
And remember that.
Detach yourself from that,
detach yourself from the need to get approval from others.
Does it feel good to get a need for approval from others?
Of course it does.
Does it feel good to be in a herd, a community?
Of course it does.
So find yourself a herd.
You know, you've seen a herd of elephants.
They're all together,
they're all one, they're on the same mission.
Find yourself your herd,
find yourself the people who are like you.
Now, let me ask you this.
Can you not get along with anybody?
Is there nobody out there that you get along with?
And I'm talking about positive people,
people with positive things in their life, happy people.
Can you get along with any of them?
If the answer to that is no, then okay.
Maybe you need to take a step back here
and do some self-examination
and say, "Okay, is there anything in me
"that I can change here?"
However, if you have a good amount of people
that enjoy being around you,
and they're good, positive people,
then if there's one or two
or occasionally there's people
that you rub the wrong way,
just let it go.
Now, if you rub everybody the wrong way,
this is time for self-reflection.
And this is time for you to say, "Okay, what's wrong?
"What can I change about my thoughts?
"What can I change about my actions?"
And I think you should do that anyways,
always be self-reflective.
If somebody has a negative reaction to you,
ask yourself,
"Okay, could I have done something better here?
"Could I have done something different here?"
And if the answer is no,
then let it go.
And not in a mean way,
not in the kind of way
that says "I don't care what happens to them,
"I don't care if they like me or not,
"I don't care about them,"
but in a way that's just okay with you being you.
So, number one,
whenever you have thoughts that people don't like you,
ask yourself how do you really know this
because our negative thoughts
will produce negative chemicals,
positive thoughts will produce positive chemicals
in our brains,
and we want us to have a healthy, sharp brain.
Number two,
if they really don't like you,
you've talked to them and it's a verified fact,
it's okay.
Some people, not everybody's gonna like everybody.
And it says nothing about you.
Oftentimes, just like it says nothing about the movie,
if not everybody likes the movie.
And finally,
if there's literally no one in the world
that you can get along with,
and there's literally nobody who enjoys being around you,
then at that point, do a little bit of self evaluation.
But I hardly know anybody like that.
I hardly know anyone like that.
So that's probably not you,
especially if you've made it to this point in the video,
you are someone who really is a deep thinker
and introspective,
if you're still listening, I doubt that you.
But always ask yourself these questions.
How do I know it's true?
Could anything else be on their mind?
What else could be the possibilities?
And this really helps you
to prevent mind reading and catastrophizing
and all this other stuff that is a negative thought.
Why is this so important to me?
Because I'm a memory champion.
I like to train my brain.
And if I can have a healthy, relaxed brain,
I can remember more,
I can learn faster.
If you like this video,
give me a thumbs-up, comment below.
If it does bother you sometimes when people don't like you,
you know what, I'm not perfect at it, either,
it bothers me sometimes, too.
If you would like to learn my memory course
how to remember anything and improve your memory,
I have a course called Black Belt Memory,
and I'll put a description to that in the link.
And I even have a free gift for you
on how to improve your memory.
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