- Friendships are an important part of our support system
and can be vital to our overall mental health.
We need other people in our life
to vent to, to remind us that we're not alone,
and to be a constant when our other relationships fail.
But what if our friends aren't a source of support,
and instead, always take?
Or what if they forget our birthday?
Or worse, we catch them
talking about us behind our backs.
When they seem to let us down
so often that we've lost count,
that friendship may be toxic.
(funky music)
My name is Katie Morton.
I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist,
and I talk about depression, anxiety, eating disorders
and really anything mental health related.
So if you'd like to subscribe, we would love to have you.
I promise you will always leave
with some helpful information for you
or for someone you love.
Okay, let's jump into the signs
that you're in a toxic friendship.
Obviously, we are all human and make mistakes
but what I'm discussing today,
is more of a pattern of behavior or extreme actions
that make this friendship harmful
and possibly not worth continuing.
So take a minute and consider as I offer these 10 signs
that you may be in a toxic friendship
and make sure you stay tuned to the end
because I'm offering four things to do about it.
Now, the first sign that your friendship may be toxic
is that you feel anxious or overwhelmed
after spending time with them.
This could be like someone who is always
asking you for things, always taking.
I used to call these people emotional vampires
or a black hole for energy,
because you just feel drained, right?
You go to see them and you actually feel worse afterward.
And it can take a while.
Personally, I've had many friendships like this.
It can take a while to notice,
but just start to pay attention.
After you've spent, I don't know, a couple of hours,
let's say we went to lunch or went over to their house.
How do you feel afterward?
Do you feel like it was a breath in, (breathes deeply)
and you feel so energized?
I remember noticing after spending
three or four hours with my good friend, Joanna,
how good I felt after that time.
I felt like, I don't know, revitalized,
like I had taken a really nice nap
or had a really relaxing day.
Versus some other friendships that I've ended
where I would leave feeling exhausted
and like I never really wanted to see them again.
So pay attention to that.
And if you feel like they're sucking all your energy,
it's a sign that it could be a toxic friendship.
My second sign, they never apologize.
Or they'll do what I call a fake apology
by saying "I'm so sorry you feel that way."
That always frustrates me, 'cause why are they,
how can you be sorry for the way that I feel?
That's not an apology.
That's bullshit.
Or they'll say something like,
"I'm so sorry if what I did hurt your feelings."
You're like, "Bitch, I'm telling you, you hurt my feelings".
Don't be sorry that something that I'm say.
That doesn't even make any sense.
Just apologize straight up.
If you have a friend that can't do that,
and does things that hurt you,
and you've expressed that it hurts you
and they won't apologize,
it's not good.
Number three, they use guilt to get you to do things.
In relationships like this,
you'll often find yourself saying "I should go help them.
I should make time to see them."
And I've talked about this in the past,
how should-ing all over yourself
never leads to anything healthy.
And that applies here.
So if you find that in your relationships, you feel bad,
or they say things to cause you to feel bad for them.
Like if they make you feel bad for not being available 24-7.
In relationships like this,
it's often a pushback against healthy boundaries.
Meaning, if you don't get back to them right away,
or if you aren't available, when they expect you to be,
they'll try to make you feel bad by you know,
"Oh, woe is me", lamenting about their life,
instead of understanding that you also have your own life.
So just pay attention if you're doing things out of guilt,
rather than joy and love.
Number four, this one's kind of obvious
but needs to be said, you don't trust them anymore.
And maybe it's because they flake all the time.
They say they're gonna show up for you
and do these things or help you out.
And then they just don't show up.
Like I had a friend who's no longer a friend,
tell me she was gonna pick me up
from the airport, and then just not show up.
It's kind of a big deal.
That was the beginning of the end of the friendship.
And so pay attention to whether or not
you feel like you can count on them.
Now, I know people have things come up in their life.
I'm not saying again, this isn't
like 100% percent of the time no one lets you down.
I'm just saying, is there a pattern
of behavior where they just aren't there for you?
Or have you heard them talking about you behind your back?
And so you feel like you can't trust them
with things that you tell them?
If we are trying to share secrets
with our friends, and it's not even secrets,
just like personal information that can make us vulnerable.
If we don't feel like they can hold that in confidence,
are they really a friend?
The next sign is that it's a one-sided relationship.
Meaning that you're the only one giving to it.
Now, I have a long-term friendship end over this,
because it got to the point where
whenever she would call me, she'd always either be in crisis
or need immediate support or help, and I was available.
I would either call her right back or I'd answer right away,
and I was there for her as much as I could be.
However, when I needed anything,
just to vent, someone to listen,
if I needed anything from her, help support, I don't know,
maybe to pick me up from the airport or help me move.
She was never around and I could never get ahold of her
and she would never call me back.
And she was even one of those people
who her voicemail box was always full,
so I could never even leave a voicemail
if I was trying to call.
It was extremely frustrating,
but it still took, again, patterns.
It took me quite a while to recognize
that she could always get ahold of me,
and I could never get a hold of her.
It was definitely a one-sided relationship.
I was always giving and she was always taking.
Never the reverse.
The next sign is when they call or text,
you dread checking it or talking to them.
And this kind of goes for every relationship.
If we don't look forward to seeing someone
or talking with them or connecting,
then it's not good for us
because that dread or stress that we're feeling
when we see their name pop up on our phone,
it's or brain's way of telling us that
that relationship isn't good for us.
It's not what we really want.
And so pay attention to those cues.
If you're dreading conversation with them,
I think we could all agree that's not a good friendship.
The next sign is that we have to constantly
make excuses for them or cover for them.
if they are acting in inappropriate or embarrassing ways,
and we're always stuck in the position
of having to explain for them
or lie to cover their misbehavior.
Let's say we have a friend
who is struggling with addiction or is a flake, right?
Remember going back to if we can't trust them,
they just don't show up.
And we're the one that's left 'cause,
oh, you know him or her best.
Where are they?
And you find yourself constantly lying, covering up.
"Oh, they said they're right on their way.
Oh, don't worry.
They felt sick this morning, so maybe that's going on."
If we find ourselves in that position
over and over and over again,
it's possible it's a toxic friendship.
The next sign is that they put you down
or criticize you a lot.
Now sure, constructive criticism has its place,
and in close relationships, we should be able to say
"That's hurtful when you do that",
or "Sometimes I think people take you the wrong way
when you say things like that."
We can offer that kind of constructive criticism.
Emphasis being on the word constructive.
But if we have a friend who is constantly
talking badly about us and criticizing us,
either to our face or behind our back,
that's not a good thing.
We shouldn't be putting down the people in our lives
that we're supposed to love and be connected to.
So if someone in your life is constantly
nitpicking your outfit or your hair or the way you look
or the way that you speak or something about you.
If you constantly feel criticized, that's not a good thing.
And rolling right off of that one,
the next sign is if we know that they
talk badly about us or share our secrets
with others behind our backs.
Now I know this kind of ties in with the
we can't trust them anymore,
but I feel like this needs to be its own,
because this happens too often in friendships.
And if we can't trust them with any of our vulnerabilities
or any of the things we're going through,
and they're putting us down to other people
or talking about us behind our back,
that's a clear sign
that this really isn't a friendship at all.
And finally, sign number 10.
They don't respect our boundaries.
Now, this can look like them not taking no for an answer
when you say you'd rather stay in,
or inviting themselves along to something
that you said you wanted to do alone.
Or they could even push you to do things
that you've told them is triggering or overwhelming for you.
And it could also be them sharing
your personal information that you said was private.
If you find someone in your life
that's supposed to be a friend,
not at least trying to understand
and respect your boundaries, that's not a good sign.
And that friendship could definitely be toxic.
Okay, so maybe we think one or more
of our friendships are toxic.
Now what do we do?
Now today I'm offering four things.
And the first tip is that you can talk with them
and let them know what's upsetting.
And then, important part, give them a chance to change.
We can't expect everybody to be perfect right out the gate.
There's gonna come times in every relationship
where we have to communicate
about something that is upsetting.
And the best advice I have for communicating this
is to keep it short and clear.
An example would be to say something like
"I feel like I've been making
a lot of excuses for you lately
and trying to cover up for you,
and I don't really like doing that.
So can you please try not to put me in those situations?"
Now I know communicating like this is really difficult.
And it can help, personally, I write things down
like little bullet points of what I wanna say,
and I practice saying it out loud.
Because if we wanna salvage these relationships,
we're gonna have to learn
how to communicate about our upsets.
And I know some of you are thinking,
"Katie, that's aggressive. We could fight.
This is horrible. I hate conflict."
Join the club.
I don't like conflict either, but in relationships,
we're gonna have to learn how to do this.
And I can tell you with 100% certainty
that the option and example I just gave you
is not aggressive,
is not starting conflict.
It's just clear and direct communication
which I know is uncomfortable, but it's really important.
And if we think that they'll be able to have
a real conversation about it, then we really should try.
Now, I know some of us might say,
"But they get really upset and they can be really volatile".
We can at least try.
If they aren't able to have that conversation,
we can end it.
You can always say, "You know what?
I can tell we're both just getting a little too upset.
Let's reconnect about this tomorrow or next week."
We can push it off. We can leave the conversation.
We can end a conversation. It's okay.
But it's just important that we at least try.
Tip number two is to set healthy boundaries.
I know you all love boundaries. I'm just kidding.
I know they're really hard to set,
but ways that we can do this is letting them
know it's not okay to talk to me that way.
Or I don't like it when you say those types of things
or it's really hurtful when you flake at the last minute.
Or we just stop making excuses for them.
And I know it's really difficult
to all of a sudden stop filling a role
because not to get too therapist-y on you,
but I can't help it.
Often, these are roles that we've played
in our lives forever,
tracking back to our family and our role in our family unit.
So it can be hard for us to step out of those roles.
But if we find making excuses,
putting up with them flaking,
listening to them talk trash about us.
If we recognize that's happening and it's hurtful,
it's okay to acknowledge it,
tell them that we're not okay with it,
and stop allowing it to happen.
Because the thing that I think a lot of people
don't understand about toxic relationships in general
is that it's not that we're right and they're wrong.
It's a bad recipe,
because for some reason the way that we're
interacting with each other just isn't working out.
They might be mistreating us, but also we're allowing it,
and it takes two to be in a relationship.
And so if we stop, essentially,
let's say I like to call it dancing with each other
like a relationship is a dance.
If we stop doing the same steps that we were doing,
they're not gonna be able to keep dancing either.
And so if we remove ourselves from that role,
it won't be able to continue.
And part of that removal is setting healthy boundaries.
Tip number three, slowly distancing ourselves from them.
We cannot be as available.
We don't have to reply to text or calls.
We can take a little longer than usual, building up to days.
And I only allow this tip to be used
if we've at least tried to communicate with them.
We've at least tried.
We've tried to tell them what's upsetting us
and given them an opportunity to change,
because I know it's so common now for people just to ghost
in romantic relationships and friendships,
just to like, "I don't talk to them anymore".
It's best if we at least try
to understand and work together.
If that's not gonna improve,
let's say that they're still flaking.
They're still doing things that are hurtful,
talking about us behind our backs.
Then we can just slowly drift away.
And if they ask or if they speak up about it,
we can tell them it's because of these reasons
like I said before.
But we don't have to.
We can just not be available.
Having telephones, maybe this is 'cause I'm old
and I grew up without cell phones,
but having cell phones tethered to us all the time
doesn't mean we have to be available 24-7.
I know, I know it's hard.
It's hard to not be available,
but I'd encourage each and every one of us to practice that
because unless it's an emergency, things can wait
and we should never be at the beck and call of anybody.
I'm gonna repeat that to make sure you heard it.
Just because we have cell phones
does not mean we have to be available 24-7.
And fourth and finally,
is cut them off quickly and completely.
Now, this is only appropriate when it's not safe
to try and have a conversation with them
or they become irate and lash out when you do.
Now, this doesn't mean it's okay just because
you don't like having uncomfortable conversations.
And I almost wanna say that one again.
This isn't okay just because you
don't like having uncomfortable conversations.
I know it's hard. Trust me.
I don't like conflict either,
but if we don't at least practice,
we're never gonna get better, and then our relationships
can continue to have these patterns.
Like I said before, relationships are dances, right?
It's both of us working together, it's not
"I'm right, you're wrong".
It's for some reason together, we're a toxic combination.
And if we don't try to improve our side of the road,
our relationships aren't gonna improve overall.
So we only cut them off quickly and completely
if it's not safe emotionally or physically,
because sometimes you don't know how people are gonna react
and when we do come to talk to them, it can be overwhelming.
I give you full permission to say something like,
"I can tell this is really difficult,
and we're both getting a little too emotional.
We can come back to this."
And you might not even mean it. That's okay.
We just have to remove ourselves so we can safely get out
of those types of situations.
But again, it's not just because
we don't like uncomfortable conversations.
We should try to communicate,
and if it's not safe, we can remove ourselves.
Overall, know that friendships can be wonderful
sources of support and connection,
but if they aren't helpful and instead, are hurtful,
there is no reason we have to stay in them.
We all deserve to feel heard
and understood in our relationships.
And sure, it can take a few tries
to cultivate your real team of people,
your real support system.
And honestly, even as we grow up,
that can change because our needs can change,
and that's okay.
But just know that you all are deserving
of real connection and real friendships.
All of you.
I know, you're thinking, "No, maybe I'm not".
I'm here to tell you are.
There's no need to stay in these
toxic type of relationships.
Let's work to improve ourselves
and improve our connection with others,
because really that's what life's all about.
If you found this helpful, consider sharing this video.
Or if you have other signs or helpful tips,
lead those in the comments down below.
Thank you so much.
Have a wonderful rest of your week,
and I will see you next time.
(funky music)