[DOOR OPENS]
Hey, Chris.
Thanks for coming in.
So, I was super excited when you agreed to take over the creative direction for the merchandise store.
Yeah.
But, then, this morning, I went into the bathroom, and I found...
...this.
That is a Rooster Teeth urinal cake with your face on it.
Let's just ignore for a second that I don't like the idea of people pissing on my face.
Which I don't. [Chris]: W--
How many of our fans do you think have a urinal at their home?
The great thing about a Rooster Teeth urinal cake is that you don't even need a urinal to enjoy it,
because they're completely biodegradable.
Yeah, biodegradable doesn't mean edible.
Listen, I want you to run all the products by me before you put them in production from now on.
-Okay? -Gotcha.
I can't do that.
What does that mean?
We already have a couple of products that are in the store. Let me show you.
Introducing the newest Rooster Teeth merchandise:
Aaron's clothes.
So, what is it?
It's Aaron's clothes. It's super popular. We're completely sold out.
So, Aaron has no clothes?
Yeah, but as long as wearing his cowboy boots, he doesn't even notice.
Look, Chris, as much as I dislike Aaron—it's a lot,
I really don't like him—we can't just steal and sell his clothes.
I know, because we're sold out. He needs to go shopping.
Okay, you may like this.
Tell me this Burnie, what's the one thing you've always said Rooster Teeth is all about?
We need to make a shit load of money.
-It's all about the fans. -Right, the fans.
We love the fans. It's all about the fans.
Introducing the Rooster Teeth fan.
-Alright. -It's a fan.
-I can see it's a fan. -Yeah.
It's also a very bad pun.
Chris, we need products that people are gonna like.
Things that are... exciting, like shirts.
-Something broad. -Right.
Tell me this, Burnie: how many times would you say you go outside a year?
Ballpark, uh... ten?
Twelve.
You know what I've noticed?
Sometimes the weather isn't great.
That's a good point.
Sometimes, you know, you can't predict the weather.
You go outside and--
Tell me this: have you ever gone outside and noticed that your penis is really really
cold or it gets rained on?
Why would my penis ever--
[Chris]: Introducing... Why would my penis ever--
Rooster Teeth penis hats.
Go ahead, try it on.
I'm not trying it on, Chris!
I don't go outside naked.
Yeah, because now you have a hat.
Chris, that's ridiculous and our female fans can't even buy that.
They come in pink.
Girls don't have penises, Chris.
What about this? Personalized Rooster Teeth greeting cards.
Okay.
Who is the most popular person in the entire world?
Is it me?
Oprah Winfrey.
Wha-- it depends on who you ask, I guess.
Some people would say me.
We just ordered a thousand of these.
Happy Birthday, Oprah.
You made a thousand of those?
-Yeah. -How many Oprahs do you know?
Oh, I see what you're saying, it's just her.
Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.
It is just her.
And the fruit.
What fruit are you talking about?
Ocra!
That's not the same word as Oprah
Okay I see- I see where [mumbling] it's not- it's not the perfect product
Burnie, we have this show, it's called Red vs. Blue
I'm aware of it.
It's going into its second season
That is not right...
We need to capitalize on the merchandice right?
I think we've already done that pretty well...
The Red vs. Blue pregnancy test
That's a pretty narrow market Chris, we need something that a lot of different people are going to be able to buy
I know. That's why it's also an AIDS test.
[Burnie sighs]
Check this out- okay.
blue plus red minus: pregnant no AIDS
red plus blue minus
AIDS not pregnant
blue plus red plus super AIDS, super pregnant
Christ what about people who are not pregnant, and don't have AIDS
What are the chances of that Burnie?
Pretty good, I think
Lazer Team: huge merchandising oppertunity
I agree yeah!
Thing is, lasers aren't a real thing!
Yes, they are.
[Burnie]: Very real What else can kids shoot at each other?
The Lazer Team gun
Is that just a regular gun with the serial numbers scratched off?
Yeah
What does that have to do with Lazer Team?
Every single gun we sell comes with the DNA and finger prints of a Lazer Team cast member
Chris we're not selling a gun with our god damn fingerprints on it!
Why not?!
What do you mean why not? That's the worst idea I've ever heard in my life!
Burnie it is a good product. Do not stifle my creativity.
Alright Chris I can not tell you how disappointed I am in you.
I'm giving you really good stuff here Burnie
And I really- I really would appreciate if you just listen and hear me out.
I've listened to everything and it's all terrible!
I know exactly what you're going to want.
RTES commemorative plates.
No.
All your favorite sh-
All our favorite what?
episodes of RTES?
Yes!
Yeah. That'll be a huge seller.
[PLATES BREAKING]
The Slow Mo' Guys presents
Okay...
The Homo Guys
Aw man.
Four hours of hardcore gay porn
Alright. It's stretched out because it's slow motion
It only took five minutes to film. Starring me and a bunch of other people in the office
[Burnie sighs]
Who is gonna wanna watch my friends
having gay sex for hours at a time?
Get out of my office!
Leave me alone!
W-w-wait!
Right now! Get out!
Get out.
Burnie one more product, and you're gonna love it. Okay?
We have a show called A Million Dollars But
I know the show.
Super popular
Introducing...
A million dollars
What is that?
It's a million fucking dollars Burnie
now in the Rooster Teeth store
Super popular
Chris.
We've already sold like ten
Tell me that's fake money.
That's fake money right?
No no no it's real money
Where did you get it?!
Accounting!
And you're selling this in the store?
Yeah
For how much?
$39.95
Each!?
It's like a marketing thing
It sounds like 30 dollars because it's 9.95
but it's actually like 40.
Chris are you telling me that you sold ten MILLION dollars
For 400 dollars?!
Yeah!
I don't know what the mark up is on this but it's gotta be insane!
Do you know what mark up means!?
Yeah its a business thing I don't know!
Hey Burnie there's a guy here repossessing all of our computers and stuff.
Oh my god.
Also I just got off the phone with this little girl from Iowa
she's upset because we didn't send her a million dollars
Where do we keep those?
And that is the story of how I lost my multi-million dollar company.
Would you mind uh- not standing so close to me?
Sure.
You got it chief.
[ELEVATOR MUSIC]
[TOILET FLUSH]
Check out all our new merch at store.roosterteeth.com
and get your very own penis hat
Or your Burnie Burns urinal cake
Pregnant? Why not check out the Red vs. Blue pregnancy test?
all available at the Rooster Teeth store
And in honor of Rooster Teeth's 13th anniversary
use the code RT13
and you'll get 13% off
pretty cool
[squeak]
scum!
[punch punch]