Geoffrey here in this video,
I'm going to show you ways that you can regain,
or you can maintain that power that you have in your relationship,
but without doing any of the manipulative or controlling things that you often
associate with when trying to regain that power.
And I really want you to stick around until the end of the video,
because what I'm going to talk about here will go way beyond what other coaches
will talk about or what they have discussed regarding this topic.
[Inaudible].
And in case we haven't met,
my name is Jeffrey and I help men and longterm marriages or longterm
relationships with the right skills and knowledge to be able to design a
thriving relationship for themselves.
So if you want more videos on this,
then you want to subscribe and click the bell button as well,
to be notified when I post new videos three times every single week,
and really quickly,
before we begin this video,
I want to let you know that a few spots have opened up for my free master class
on the five proven steps to rebuilding your relationship from the ground up.
If you're interested in joining that masterclass,
then be sure to stick around until the end of this video for the non spin on how
you can get in on that.
So the first thing I want to discuss here,
this is going to be the overarching theme throughout this video is going to be
you coming from a place of want and not need.
So most people that I talked to really only have two modes.
So they might start off,
let's say by finding themselves completely in a needy state here where they're
completely needy,
they're trying to control their partner,
but then they watch a bunch of YouTube videos and they realize,
Oh,
being needy,
actually,
it's not a good thing.
And they go the other complete extreme,
where they're trying to be indifferent,
playing the no contact rule,
playing a loof.
And so on.
Obviously if you're needy,
the way you take out your own power is obvious here.
And that you will show that you will have everything to lose in this
negotiation,
in this interaction.
And your partner has really nothing to lose.
And it will also show that you will really have no value to offer here,
because if you really did have value,
do you want me to beg or plead or be all needy like this the same way?
And if you look at a salesman,
if he was really that good,
if his product was really that good,
he wouldn't need to beg anyone to buy his product,
but if you're acting too aloof and too indifferent,
it will also be taking away your power to which I think a lot of people don't
understand in that.
It will show that you're just too childish for a longterm relationship that
you're trying to play this game.
And you're being non-committal for example,
that you don't understand that there is a problem in the first place,
that there are issues that you need to take care of.
And you kind of just simply walk away and say,
Oh,
if I walk away,
my partner will miss me.
And ironically,
if you show her all these things,
it will show her that she really has nothing to lose as well.
Because if you don't really don't care,
then why would she even fight for the relationship?
It doesn't make sense.
So understanding between these two extremes here,
there is a balance and that balance is when you're coming from a place of one.
So what does it mean to come from a place of want?
It's when you're not afraid to state your desires,
what you want.
For example,
if you want to work on a relationship,
you are not afraid to state that,
but it's also you not being afraid to walk away and actually mean it when you
walk away.
And this works because this is when you find that nice balance between asking
for what you want,
but at the same time,
making your presence still be valuable because again,
you're willing and able to walk away if needed.
Now,
there are so many examples that I can give you of what it means to come from a
place of want and not need or indifference here.
And in this video,
I'm going to show you the four ways that you can do this.
You can come from a place of want in your relationship.
So the first example of how you could come from the place of one tier is by
learning how to respond to your partner in your relationship and not react.
So what do I mean by that?
A good example of this is how a lot of people deal with communicating in their
relationship.
So a lot of people,
for example,
they start off by reacting to every single text,
to every single call,
to every single whim that their partner has for them.
You will drop everything you're doing at that moment to pick up that phone call
to an answer to that text.
In other words,
you are subconsciously reacting to every single moment and reacting to your
partner here.
So a lot of people start off in this one extreme,
but let's say you watch against some YouTube videos.
You learn that,
Hey,
being reactive like this,
it's not that healthy.
Then they go the other extreme and act exists.
They don't even need their partner at all.
But again,
I'm gonna show you why these two extremes are embracing.
These two extremes will make you less powerful because if you're reactive here,
if you're responding to her,
every whim,
every text,
every phone call and so on,
you are showing her that she can really get you,
get your attention and get your time whenever she wants.
And so your time and your presence becomes a lot less valuable there.
But if you played the other route again,
where you're trying to play a loop in different,
and like,
like you don't care about whether she's there or not,
then again,
it shows that you're childish,
that you don't care.
And again,
it shows that you don't already have a value because you don't give a crap about
the relationship about her.
So why should she care and fight for this relationship?
It doesn't make sense.
So the balance I want you to find here is in the middle again,
if,
when you're responding to life.
So what does it mean to respond?
So in my own life,
for example,
I only schedule one,
two,
three moments every single day when I'm responding texts from my partner.
So even if I'm parent text me at 10:00 AM and my scheduled time to look
at my phone is really at 3:00 PM.
I'm not going to respond to our even look at our texts until 3:00 PM.
But then when I do respond,
I respond with a lot of enthusiasm.
So I'll tell her for example,
Hey,
it's really nice to hear from you in the middle of the day like this.
And you know,
I'm rewarding my partner for reaching out to me for,
for calling me for texting,
whatever it is.
Another example is when my partner calls me during work,
for example,
and I'm busy at that moment,
I will tell her,
Hey,
you know,
it's really nice hearing from you.
Um,
I've got to run right now.
I've got to do something at work,
but how about we chat tonight at 9:00 PM and I'll be a hundred percent present
with you at that moment.
And I want to listen to everything you have to say at that moment.
So again,
here,
I'm responding.
I'm not reacting and I'm not totally indifferent either.
And the reason why responding in your life to your partner here works is that
it's where you meet the fine balance between scarcity reward.
You know,
scarcity,
because you're making your presence into a more precious commodity that she can
just text you and get you to reply whenever she wants that she can't just have
you at her every Beck and call,
but you're also balancing this with reward to where whenever your partner
reaches out to you,
you you're rewarding her for doing so and making her feel good for doing so by
either showing your enthusiasm or deferring something to a letter time where you
can be a hundred percent present.
So again,
this makes your presence a lot more valuable to her and a lot more powerful at
the same time.
Now,
the second way that you can find this place of one here is when you
are understanding what it means to be interdependent in your relationship.
What does that mean?
Most people,
for example,
they start off in this one extreme by being dependent.
That's when you're being very needy.
So their partner comes home very angry,
for example,
in a very angry,
emotional state,
they are tethered to that,
that their emotions are dependent on that.
And they'll also feel angry to also feel annoyed and or their partner.
Let's say it's feeling hopeless about their relationship.
They are tethered to that.
They're dependent on that and they cannot help,
but feel the same hopelessness that she feels as well.
So you might realize this already and you watch some YouTube videos again,
for example,
and you might realize,
Oh my gosh,
this being dependent like this,
it's actually not good for me being tethered to my partner.
Like this is actually not good.
But then what they do is to embrace the other extreme and they become too
independent.
And they act as if,
you know,
they don't really need their partner,
or they say things like,
you know,
whatever,
I'm just not going to be around you when you're angry like this,
you know,
by,
or they say,
I don't need you or this relationship,
but again,
this will remove your power.
And all the ways that we talked about earlier,
which is that if you're needy,
if you're too dependent,
then obviously you will lose all the power that you have here.
But if you're being too independent as well,
it will show that you just don't care.
You're too aloof that you're too childish and you're playing all these games and
it will also take away your value as well.
So the balance here is when you're finding this middle ground between the two,
and that's when you were,
you were finding this place of interdependence and that's when you are,
you know,
that you're together.
You're acknowledging that you're together,
but it's two separate people.
What does that mean?
So the first part of this is understanding that you need to be untethered in
your relationship.
You need to be able to,
for example,
to still maintain your positivity and your cheerfulness,
whenever your punter is feeling negative or feeling angry,
it's your ability to be able to maintain your own hope.
Even though your partner may feel very hopeless at the moment,
right?
So your emotions,
how you think is determined by how you think,
not by how your partner thinks you are untethered there,
but at the same time,
while you're being untethered here,
you're also recognizing that you two are together.
So this is for example,
when you're using your own positivity,
that's sourced from within to help your daughter feel more positive when she's
negative.
And this is also when you're helping your partner using your own hopefulness to
generate more hope and to restore hope in your partner as well.
And when you can do this,
you are going to make your presence a lot more powerful here,
because you're going to become that strong leader,
that strong captain of the ship she can rely on.
You are the leader who can basically inspire hope.
When all hope is lost,
you can inspire order when everything else is disorderly.
You can inspire positivity when everything seems negative.
So imagine you are this captain of the ship and imagine a captain of the ship
who feels hopeless whenever his crew members feels hopeless,
who feels negative whenever his crew members feels negative,
he'll be a really bad captain.
And no one would follow this guy.
He would have no power,
but if you can instill positivity,
hope despite what's going on around you.
That's where true power comes in and your partner will start to associate you
with that power eventually,
because you're here,
you're determining your own faith.
Nothing can really affect you,
but you are the one that is affecting other people,
other things,
your environment,
and so on.
That's true power.
Then the third one here is how you can power is always finding that win,
win solution or having this win-win attitude.
So what do most people do?
So most people,
they live in this world of compromise.
So either they're coming from a wind loose place where they're trying to control
and impose all of their ideas,
all of their solutions onto their partner,
right?
Using statements and their pseudo sense of power.
Basically,
this is when you have the,
my way or the highway attitude,
or they're realize that doing that as toxic,
then they go the opposite extreme,
where they try to embrace the lose win situation,
where they're just deciding to go with whatever their partner wants to do.
They're losing their power completely.
And just being a doormat there.
And there's men who have the never argue with a wife or the wife has never wrong
kind of attitude.
But again,
you know,
if you embrace any of these two extremes,
you're going to lose your power.
Because if you're coming from a win lose position where you're always trying to
impose your ideas and use your power here,
your false sense of power to control what your partner is thinking,
you think you're being powerful,
but people are only listening to you out of fear and out of their logical
salads of brain.
But if you don't win them over emotionally,
then they're going to spend every waking moment trying to get out,
get out of your grasp,
get out of your control here.
It's like trying to work for a very tyrannical boss.
For example,
you know,
it logically,
you know that you need to do certain things to make your boss happy,
but every single waking moment,
emotionally,
you're going to want to get out.
You're going to want to find a new job.
And if you're coming from a loose wind position,
then it's obvious why you're giving up your power because you're just being a
doormat and,
you know,
relinquishing all your power to your partner right now.
So the balance here between these two extremes is always finding that win-win,
but perhaps not in the way you're thinking.
So most people find a win-win by thinking up some idea of what they think
win-win is.
Then they make a statement.
They tell their partner like here's what we're going to do.
This is what we're going to do.
Here's what I think we should do.
And so they make these statements,
but when you're doing this,
you are actually putting yourself in this windows category because you don't
know for sure.
If what you think is a win,
win is also a win win in your partner's idea.
You don't know that.
So how do we actually find a win,
win in a proper way here?
So begin first by asking a lot of questions,
to understand things from your partner's perspective.
And basically you want to keep asking questions and dig deeper and discovering
until you can go.
I see why you chose to decide on this thing.
I see now why you think this is a good idea.
And until you get there,
you haven't gotten to the root core of why she thinks that that's a good idea,
because the truth is you might think your ideas are great,
but your partner has the same conviction and the same reasons for why she thinks
her ideas are great.
And your job is to find out the ideas from both sides.
Then once you think you've come to this understanding,
then I want you to recap this conversation,
to her recap,
your understanding to her to say,
okay,
so if I understand you correctly,
what you're saying is XYZ.
Is that right?
If she says,
no,
that's not right.
Go back to the questioning mode and ask more questions about that.
But if she says,
yeah,
this seems right,
then you're free now to give your suggestions.
But when you do give your suggestions,
you want to make it a dialogue,
not a statement again.
So you might say,
for example,
Hey,
can I tell you what I think that are say yes and say,
well,
here's what I think,
XYZ.
What do you think?
And the final,
what do you think is crucial?
Because that's,
when you're letting your partner tell you whether she agrees or disagrees,
if she disagrees,
then that means that there's something that you haven't understood about her
point of view yet.
And that your suggestion,
your recommendation,
wasn't what she was looking for.
It wasn't that win-win for her.
So go back to the questioning stage and ask.
Okay.
It seems like you don't lack the decision.
Um,
I must be missing something.
Can you tell me more about why you don't think that's a good idea,
for example,
and then loop back around to making another suggestion that you think will be a
better win-win this time and you're going to do this until she says,
that makes sense.
Let's do that.
And this is really,
really powerful for three reasons here.
One is going to create safety with the both of you and the safety is important
because it will allow her to express more things to you.
So the power of a captain let's say,
or a leader in a company or any aspect in life is his ability
to understand what is going on with every part of the ship,
every part of the company,
whatever it is.
And if they lose safety and people start to withhold information from the
leader,
then the leader loses power to make good decisions.
But as long as safety is created and all the employees and all the crew members
can feel free to actually express whatever they want to express to the captain.
Then the captain becomes more powerful.
So that safety creates knowledge and that knowledge will be power for you.
And this is also how you get people to follow you voluntarily.
Not because you're telling her to you're forcing her to,
but because she voluntarily wants to,
and that's gonna put you in a much more powerful position as well,
because that's when you become a true leader there.
And it also empowers you and the relationship to be associated with
something,
some entity that makes you win,
win.
It's almost like the godfather effect.
You know,
if you watch the godfather,
people come to the godfather for some help.
And that puts the godfather in this very powerful position in the community.
And the same thing here,
you're going to be conditioning and letting her associate you and associating
that relationship with that when win the solution,
thereby adding power to,
to both of you as well.
Now,
the last one here is crucial and that's farming,
not hunting.
So most people,
they start off the whole journey by hunting here.
So they have this attitude where they want whatever results they want.
They want it now.
So whether the result is the partner opening up,
um,
there were partner working on the relationship,
their partner like coming back together,
right?
They want the result now.
And if they do not get the results,
now they get all angry.
They get all upset and they get all panicky here.
And if they find,
let's say that hunting doesn't really get them what they want in the short term.
Then they go the other extreme,
where they act completely indifferent,
aloof,
and they get dejected and they say,
Oh man,
this thing is hopeless.
I can't do this anymore.
You know,
whatever I give up.
So they're always straddling these two extremes here,
but understand that when you're hunting for something,
hunters are desperate people because they're always looking for that short term
gains,
short term outcome.
And why are they looking for that short term outcome?
Because their model of operation is really not sustainable.
If their hunt does not give them the outcome,
then they will start.
So you can see here,
if you're coming from the place of hunting and your relationship,
you're going to be desperate and needy forever because hunters are desperate
people.
And of course,
if you go the other extreme here where you give up,
then you will just admitting defeat and you're losing all your power.
They're pretty obvious.
Now the balance here is in the middle of the two where you're farming.
So this is when you're understanding that anything in life that is worth having
is going to be a slow process.
That success for you is not when you're hunting for outcome.
Every single day success is when you're simply planting seeds each and every day
and being okay with the results taking one month,
two months,
six months,
12 months for you to get right is the same way the farmer is not looking at his
crops everyday going,
has it grown yet?
Has it grown yet?
Has he grown yet?
And they can do this because they have the confidence here that in the longterm,
they will get the results.
If you just plant the right seeds each and every day.
And once they get the result,
though,
unlike the Hunter,
their results will be bigger and more consistent as well.
And just that thought of having a bigger and more consistent win in the long
term is what gets them going right now today.
And we'd do this for example,
by understanding how to plant seeds of safety each and every single time,
we have a conversation with our partner and we've mentioned some of this and a
lot of my other videos,
but in the previous video specifically,
I mentioned this of how you can farm for safety over time in your relationship
that plants the right seed each and every single time.
And why this works is it's the perfect balance between your want again,
and simply walking away because you're not coming from a place of need here
because you can wait for that longterm outcome for longterm result and you can
walk away,
but you're not being completely aloof and showing your lack of care throughout
this whole process because you're planting seeds along the way,
and you're still expressing your wants genuinely.
Now in this video,
I gave you a handful of things that you can think about in regards to,
you know,
uh,
regaining or maintaining power in your relationship.
Now,
there's so much more that we can talk about in terms of how you can find this
balance of want and regaining that,
uh,
power in your relationship.
So if you want to learn more about this,
then you want to join me in my free master class and the five proven steps to
rebuilding your relationship from the ground up and in this masterclass,
I will show you the exact same process,
basically that all my students have used to become the strong leaders in their
relationship and rebuild their relationship to something that honestly they can
say thrives and do so while still maintaining or regaining
that power in the relationship.
So if this master class sounds interesting to you,
then click the link above my head,
or also in the comments below in the description box below this video as well.
And if you're looking for a free guide that can help you guide conversations in
a way that lets you straddle this fine balance between needing and being
completely indifferent to a place of one tier,
then you also want to download my free guide on opening and healing.
Your partner's emotions down below this video or with the leg above my head
right now.
And if you're looking for a community of people where you can get support from,
and you can get good advice from then you want to join me in my free Facebook
group.
And the link to that is also below this video.
Now,
if you found this video helpful,
go ahead and give it a like,
and subscribe to this channel for more content like this one and,
you know,
leave a comment below.
What did you find most insightful or most eyeopening from this video?
Let me know your thoughts.
I would love to hear from you in the meantime,
I'll leave you with this two other videos that will,
it could be the right skills and knowledge to be able to thrive in your
relationship.
In the meantime,
I'll see you in the next video.