THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW,"" I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND I HOPE EVERYONE HERE AND OUT THERE IS WITH A LOVED ONE
TONIGHT.
I HAVE TERRIBLE NEWS-- ANGELINA AND BRAD PITT ARE GETTING A
DIVORCE.
THAT'S RIGHT, NO MORE BRANGELINA.
THEY'RE JUST GOING TO BE "JELINA" AND "BRAN."
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
THE DIVORCE PAPERS WERE FILED YESTERDAY IN LOS ANGELES
SUPERIOR COURT, CITING "IRRECONCILABLE ATTRACTIVENESS."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?
WE DON'T KNOW.
WE CAN SPECULATE.
WE'RE NOT SURE.
IN THE EARLY HOURS AFTER SOMETHING THIS CATACLYSMIC, IT
IS THE FOG OF WAR.
BUT RUMORS ARE SWIRLING THAT BRAD HAD AN AFFAIR WITH FRENCH
ACTRESS MARION COTILLARD.
YEAH OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
SO WE COULD SOON BE LOOKING AT MARIAD BROTILLITT.
( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF BICKERING COUPLES,
ARE YOU GUYS READY FOR THIS MONDAY'S PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE IF THOSE
ARE SCREAMS OF EXCITEMENT OR PANIC.
IMENT TO LET YOU KNOW, "THE LATE SHOW"" WILL BE COMING TO YOU
LIVE ON MONDAY RIGHT AFTER THE CAN BEES.
JOIN US, WON'T YOU.
( APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE JUST LIKE THE DEBATES,
NOTHING ABOUT MY SHOW WILL BE FACT CHECKED.
SO PLEASE JOIN ME WITH MY GUEST, QUEEN ELIZABETH II!
IT'S GOING TO BE GOOD.
I THINK IT WAS JUST YESTERDAY, JUST YESTERDAY, MODERATOR LESTER
HOLT ANNOUNCED THE TOPICS: WHICH ARE ALSO THE LEAST-POPULAR
SCENTS AT YANKEE CANDLE.
I HAVE TO SAY, THOSE ARE SOME PRETTY GENERAL TOPICS.
LEAVE SOMETHING FOR THE MODERATORS COMING AFTER YOU,
LESTER!
IT'S LIKE YOU JUST LICKED EVERY BABY CARROT ON THE DEBATE TOPIC
VEGETABLE TRAY.
BY THE WAY, "DEBATE TOPIC VEGETABLE TRAY, "ALSO ANOTHER
VERY UNPOPULAR YANKEE CANDLE SCENT.
TRUMP HAS BEEN PREPARING FOR THE DEBATE BY POSTING AN ONLINE
SURVEY ASKING VOTERS TO WEIGH IN ON THE ALL-IMPORTANT QUESTIONS
FROM WHAT ISSUES TRUMP SHOULD FOCUS ON TO WHETHER OR NOT HE
SHOULD SAY CROOKED HILLARY ON THE DEBATE STAGE.
THAT'S LEADERSHIP.
THERE ARE A COUPLE OF CORE PRINCIPLES THAT KEFINE WHO I AM.
MAO NOW, WHAT ARE THEY AGAIN?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ACCORDING TO TRUMP, THE REASON
HE'S PREPPING VIA ONLINE SURVEY IS BECAUSE, "HE'S ONLY GOING ON
STAGE TO BE YOUR VOICE."
I KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE, BECAUSE TRUMP WAS MY VOICE, HE WOULD BE
LETTING OUT A CONSTANT HORRIFIED SCREAM.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE'S I REASON, I BELIEVE, WE
DO NOT RUN DEMOCRACY VIA BUZZFEED POLL.
I WANT A COMMANDER IN CHIEF WHO PUTS MORE THOUGHT INTO
HIS POLICY, MORE THOUGHT THAN WHAT I PUT INTO
FINDING OUT WHICH "GILMORE GIRLS" CHARACTER I AM.
P.S.-- I'M A TOTAL LORELAI.
( APPLAUSE ) LORELAI FANS.
LORELAI FANS.
BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, THIS IS A RARE OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU TO
DIRECTLY INFLUENCE A PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE.
HE'S READING THIS ONLINE POLL TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HE SHOULD SAY ON
STAGE.
HERE'S WHAT I WANT YOU, THE COLBERT NATION, TO DO.
GO TO www.gop.com/debate-prep-survey,
AND FILL OUT THE SURVEY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND WHEN, ON ALMOST EVERY
QUESTION, IT GIVES YOU THE OPTION, "OTHER, PLEASE SPECIFY,"
AND WHENEVER YOU SEE THE WORDS, "OTHER, PLEASE SPECIFY,"
PUT IN SOMETHING WE'D REALLY LIKE TO HEAR TRUMP SAY, LIKE,
"I'M RELEASING MY TAXES."
OR "I'M NOT REALLY A BILLIONAIRE."
OR "PUTIN'S BUTT TASTES LIKE COTTON CANDY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: OH!
OH!
>> Stephen: YEAH.
♪ WE GOT A WINNER ♪ NOW, A POLL CAME OUT LAST WEEK
THAT FOUND HILLARY "HAS THE SUPPORT OF JUST 31% OF LIKELY
VOTERS UNDER 35," WITH THE REMAINING 69% OF MILLENNIALS
SPLIT EVENLY BETWEEN BERNIE SANDERS AND HARAMBE.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I DO KNOW OF ONE MILLENNIAL
WHO'S VOTING FOR HILLARY, FORMER PRESIDENT GEORGE H.W. BUSH.
HE QUALIFIES AS A MILLENNIAL BECAUSE I BELIEVE HE'S A
THOUSAND YEARS OLD.
( LAUGHTER ) JUST KIDDING.
HE'S A VIGOROUS 92, AND TWO YEARS AGO, HE CELEBRATED HIS
90th BIRTHDAY BY SKYDIVING AND TWEETING ABOUT IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO TO THOSE OF YOU OUT THERE
WHOSE GRANDPA STILL CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE AN iPHONE, HAVE
HIM TRY IT IN MIDAIR.
HERE'S HOW WE KNOW HOW HE'S VOTING.
YESTERDAY, FORMER MARYLAND OFFICIAL AND ROBERT KENNEDY'S
DAUGHTER, KATHLEEN KENNEDY TOWNSEND, POSTED THIS PICTURE OF
HER WITH H.W. ON FACEBOOK, SAYING, "THE PRESIDENT TOLD ME
HE'S VOTING FOR HILLARY!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH.
SO, JEB BUSH, THERE GOES YOUR ONE WRITE-IN VOTE.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, TO RECAP: A BUSH TOLD A
KENNEDY HE'S VOTING FOR A CLINTON.
IF YOU'RE PLAYING ALONG AT HOME, THAT'S "ILLUMINATI BINGO."