♪ You didn't cheat but you're still a traitor ♪
Oh man juicy relationship drama
and I'm here for it Mended Light.
(logo explosion)
(upbeat music)
Oh my gosh you guys, I'm a therapist
today I am therapizing Olivia Rodrigo
and her song "Traitor."
I wanna talk about dating relationships.
I wanna talk about cheating and infidelity
and just react to this really hell of a song.
It's a banger and a heartbreaker.
And actually, I don't think it is a banger.
I don't know what I'm saying.
I'm old but we're gonna watch this song.
Here we go.
(gentle music)
Bangers have more beat and stuff, right?
Isn't that what makes it a banger?
Not just that it's good,
'cause it's obviously good.
Is she jumping on a trampoline?
What is she jumping on?
She's really bouncy for someone whose heart's broken.
She's like if Tyga were sad,
if Tyga got cheated on
♪ Brown guilty eyes and ♪
♪ Little white lies yeah ♪
♪ I played dumb but I always knew ♪
Oh man, I played dumb but I always knew.
Almost everybody who is cheated on
is simultaneously blindsided and kind of knew
something was going on
especially the longer things are going on.
There are changes in your partner,
there are shifts in how they talk to you.
They usually try to act like nothing's changed,
they try and be all sweet everything
but something feels off.
And sometimes that's intuition
and sometimes that's your brain
picking up on cues subconsciously
that consciously you may not be seeing
other times it's pretty overt.
And you know that you're seeing the red flags
and then other times you're just suspicious
because you're paranoid or you're insecure.
So how to know which is which?
I will answer that as we go.
But I always knew, that line hits.
♪ That you talked to her, maybe did even worse ♪
♪ I kept quiet so I could keep you ♪
Ouch.
♪ And ain't it funny ♪
♪ How you ran to her ♪
♪ The second that we called it quits ♪
♪ And ain't it funny ♪
♪ How you said you were friends? ♪
It's not funny
♪ Now it sure as hell don't look like it, you ♪
Okay, emotional infidelity can happen
before any sort of physical infidelity.
Infidelity is when a need is being met outside
of the relationship that should be reserved
only for the relationship.
And this can take different forms
in different relationships.
The fact is in monogamous relationships,
you have a more standard
like we're only going to kiss one another
and be sexually involved with one another,
but it can also be that someone else
is my emotional confidant
beyond what I have with you, right?
They are replacing you.
I mean, obviously Alicia and I are in a happy,
healthy, monogamous relationship.
We have other friends, we have family members,
we have people we talk to
but the moment that somebody else is my confidant
instead of you, we've got a problem.
And this is also true in polyamorous relationships.
The boundaries are a little different,
but it's still about rules.
It's still about here's what we've agreed to.
It's still about trust and trespassing that trust.
So she's singing about how this other woman
for him was a confidant and a friend.
You talked to her maybe worse
and how quickly he ran to her
as soon as they call it quits.
The fact is this guy or woman
if it's a lesbian relationship,
this other person was never all in.
They always had something on the side
so that if this doesn't work I can have that.
And that speaks to an insecurity.
I'm not okay to be alone.
And so I need to have them lined up
so if one doesn't work I can be in another.
And what that means is that people are a commodity for me,
they're a resource to be used up.
I burn through one and move on to the next one
and that is selfish
and that's not what a relationship is, that's a transaction.
They've been talking to this other woman,
why are they doing that instead of talking to her, right?
They've been connecting with this other woman
why are they doing that instead of connecting with her?
If they've been physical with this other woman,
why are they doing that instead of with their partner?
And there are lots of gray areas
and there's lots of reasons
why and I've gotten dinged
for this in the comments sometimes,
but I will stand by the statement, if I cheat,
it's not because something's wrong in their relationship.
I cheat because of a lack of integrity.
Because the fact is no matter what is going on now,
I may be lonely, I may feel rejected,
I may feel hurt or walked on,
but I don't need to betray a promise I made
no matter what's going on with the other person
I'm responsible for me.
And I can end this relationship before I move on.
Now she's saying he did that.
Maybe he doesn't know if he cheated or not,
but he ended this relationship
and then he moved on to the next one.
And if that's the case,
and she's talking about how fast he transitioned,
we're looking at a situation where
again he's thinking about himself.
And if you're in a relationship with somebody,
it's called a relationship not a one ship, right?
This is not just I'm looking out for me.
If you're looking out for me,
go ahead and look out for yourself
you have no business being in a relationship
with somebody else because being in a relationship
is looking out for their needs,
looking out for their wants and vice versa.
And he didn't do that.
♪ Betrayed me ♪
♪ And I know that you'll never feel sorry ♪
♪ For the way I hurt, yeah ♪
♪ You talked to her ♪
♪ When we were together ♪
♪ Loved you at your worst ♪
♪ But that didn't matter ♪
♪ It took you two weeks ♪
♪ To go off and date her ♪
♪ Guess you didn't cheat ♪
♪ But you're still a traitor ♪
Oh man, that hits me so hard because I live that.
I had someone break up with me
and a week later there was somebody else.
And I found out through a little detective work
that they had connected a couple of weeks
before she broke up with me
and in my eyes that was traitor, right?
And the assertion that we never kissed,
we never dated until you and I were done,
but the transition was already happening
and it happened so fast
and it was really hard for a young Jonathan
to deal with that.
You talked to her while we were together,
loved you at your worst, but it didn't matter.
Here's what I would say about that.
Yes, we love each other at our worst
that's a relationship but what matters is,
what do they look like at their worst?
Are they stepping out?
Are they looking to get their needs
met elsewhere instead of here?
If that's what they look like at their worst
then it's not a virtue to love them at their worst.
Loving someone at their worst
is sometimes they have a temper
and I'm not talking about abuse.
I'm just talking about they're tired or they're grumpy.
Sometimes they leave clothes lying around,
sometimes they struggle with this
with that it's human frailties.
There's a difference between that and abuse or neglect.
It's not a virtue to stay with someone who abuses you.
It's not a virtue to stay with somebody
who puts their needs before yours consistently.
And you might be watching
this going okay, well, how do I even have a relationship
'cause it is not everybody?
We grow, we mature, and we choose to
and we choose to be alone
rather than be with someone who can't walk that walk
someone who can't love us the way that we can love
with the commitment, with the fervor, with the loyalty.
Know that you are worth waiting around for.
Know that you are worth holding off for somebody
who can love you as well as you can love them.
(gentle music)
♪ Now you bring her around ♪
♪ Just to shut me down ♪
♪ Show her off like she's a new trophy ♪
Well she'd get hurt too ♪ I know if you were true ♪
♪ There's no damn way that you ♪
♪ Could fall in love with somebody that quickly ♪
Valid, but he's not in love.
♪ Ain't it funny ♪
Hang on, he's not in love.
People who use and discard other people is not love.
Let's talk about how we define love.
Is it attraction?
Is it this is the person I'm all about now?
Is it I'm crazy about this person?
Okay, if that's in love, then it's shallow, right?
And yeah, we can have flavors of the week
or flavors of the month and just burned through them
and move through them quickly.
But to me, actual in love and loving someone
is not just a feeling of attraction or infatuation.
This guy she's singing about wouldn't know in love
if it kicked him in the balls
because in love is selfless and sacrificing
and loyal and true.
He wasn't true to he.
He wasn't in love with her.
He's not in love with this other person either.
Also I'm digging the video itself. ♪ All the twisted games ♪
It's like they're reliving all their dates.
♪ All the questions you used to avoid ♪
Like all these places, the arcade, the aquarium.
♪ Ain't it funny ♪
He's avoiding all the questions.
He used to avoid ♪ Remember I brought her up ♪
wait what was that lyric? ♪ And you told me ♪
I'm gonna rewind it. ♪ Ain't it funny ♪
♪ All the twisted games ♪
♪ All questions ♪
♪ You used to avoid ♪ Yeah
♪ Ain't it funny ♪
♪ Remember I brought her up ♪
♪ And you told me I was paranoid you ♪
I love it when she's singing.
She's actually a great,
I don't know if she's just feeling it
or but this is what great acting is.
Great acting is feeling.
It's tapping into an emotion, it's not just faking.
You could see she's actually feeling this pain
as she's singing it.
She's reliving something here.
And she says, I brought her up
and you told me that I was paranoid.
Okay, so that's gaslighting.
For those of you who aren't aware
of what gaslighting is, gaslighting is getting someone
to question their own sanity
or their own perspective so that you can control them.
And generally it's setting yourself up
to be the source of information that they can rely upon.
It's a form of manipulation
that is an awful, awful thing to do.
And the thing about gaslighting,
it's a way to cover our tracks
and it is incredibly selfish.
And I'll tell you this all day long,
I'll beat this drum,
healthy relationships are built on selflessness,
not selfishness and this guy is a selfish bastard.
And I don't blame her for needing
to get this out through song.
And I don't blame her for entering into this relationship.
The fact is we all just get into relationships
using the best judgment we have,
using what the person is presenting themselves as
and we make these calls.
But I will say as hard as this is for her to go through
and you, if you're going through a situation like this,
she's better off without him
'cause this person doesn't understand,
this guy doesn't understand how to love
the way she needs to be loved.
♪ Betrayed me ♪
♪ And I know that you'll never feel sorry ♪
♪ For the way I hurt, yeah ♪
How does she know that? ♪ You talked to her ♪
If she knows that he'll never feel sorry
♪ When we were together ♪ again, that's not accountability. ♪
That's not compassion. ♪ But that didn't matter ♪
So she's better off without him.
♪ It took you two weeks ♪
♪ To go off and date her ♪ I think she's remembering
Yeah, yeah, I think the idea ♪ Guess you didn't cheat ♪
is here's all our memories together
She's revisiting the old haunts,
♪ You're still a traitor ♪
(upbeat music)
But now she's jumping in with new friends
♪ God, I wish that you ♪ and she's hanging out with people. ♪
♪ This through before I went and fell in love with you ♪
Oh man, that's a hard hitting line.
I wish that you had thought this through
before I went and fell in love with you.
That's valid by the way.
if you're somebody who's not sure
that you can be faithful and true,
if you're someone who is not sure
that you are grounded enough yet to commit yourself
to somebody, don't do it and be okay to be on your own
until, or to have casual relationships
where it's all on the table.
This is casual, I'm not looking for it to go anywhere.
'Cause other people are looking for that too
and connect with those people.
It is immoral and unethical to lead someone on
when you know that they want a committed relationship
and you don't or you want one, but you can't handle one
far better to say, I'm not ready,
I'm not in a place where I can do this
or this isn't something that I want
so that they can move on with their life.
I wanna find whoever she's singing the song about.
I wanna put them over my knee and I wanna paddle him.
He just needs a good old fashioned paddling.
♪ When she's sleeping in the bed we made ♪
♪ Don't you dare forget about the way ♪
♪ You betrayed me ♪
♪ 'Cause I know that you'll never feel sorry ♪
♪ For the way I hurt, yeah ♪
♪ You talked to her ♪
♪ When we were together ♪
♪ You gave me your word ♪
♪ But that didn't matter ♪
♪ It took you two weeks ♪
♪ To go off and date her ♪
♪ Guess you didn't cheat ♪
♪ But you're still ♪
♪ You're still a traitor ♪
Where was this song when I needed it like 20 years ago,
when this happened to me this would have been my jam.
I would have been eating Häagen-Dazs in the car
and just crying into my ice cream,
♪ Ooh ooh ♪
Sweet and salty flavor 'cause of the tears.
Is she going into the twilight zone now?
I don't understand this part. ♪ Before ♪
♪ I went and fell in love with you ♪
This is very much like twilight zone
at this part right here.
Du du, du, du, du, du du.
Oh man, well I've said what I need to say about that.
If you enjoyed this video,
check out Buffy gets therapized
where I talk about Buffy and her relationships
and her losses through the lens of a therapist.
Has someone cheated on you or someone, a traitor to you?
I wanna hear in the comments below how you dealt
and how you're dealing.
Do you have something from pop culture
that you'd like me to react to or therapize?
Let me know in the comments below,
I'll try and get around to it.
If you need help getting through a breakup or heartbreak,
schedule a 15 minute complimentary discovery call
with a therapist on my team, link is in the description.
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I'm Jonathan Decker.
This has been gets therapize and I'll see you next time.
Oh, look, there it is.
There's the video I've told you about.
You're gonna to click on it right now.
'Cause you probably have better things to do,
but no, I take it back.
You have stuff to do but nothing better than this.