>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.
SAY HI TO JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FOLKS AS MAY KNOW-- AS YOU FOLKS
MAY KNOW IN HERE, OUT THERE, AROUND THE WORLD, I AM A FATHER,
AND I EVIDENTLY THOUGH OFF MAJOR DAD VIBES, BECAUSE TWITTER IS
FLOODED CAN COMMENTS LIKE: "STEPHEN COLBERT WOULD BE A
GREAT DAD," AND "I WISH STEPHEN COLBERT WAS MY DAD," COUNTLESS
OTHERS CALLING ME THEIR DAD.
NONE OF THOSE PEOPLE, BY THE WAY, MY CHILDREN.
EVEN KATY PERRY POSTED THIS SNAPCHAT WITH ME AND
CAPTIONED IT "MY DAD."
I'M NOT SURPRISED TO FIND OUT I'M A ROLE MODEL TO KATY BECAUSE
I ONCE KISSED A GIRL.
AND I LIKED IT, TOO.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S HOW I ENDED UP WITH KIDS.
WELL, I KNOW HOW IMPORTANT QUALITY TIME WITH A PARENT CAN
BE, SO I THINK IT'S TIME TO SIT DOWN AND HAVE A LITTLE TALK.
THAT'S RIGHT, AMERICA.
DAD'S CALLING A FAMILY MEETING.
GET IN HERE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
HEY, KIDDO.
COP A SQUAT.
LISTEN, I JUST THOUGHT YOU AND MEET COULD TALK ABOUT A FEW
THINGS, WHATEVER ON YOUR MIND.
YOU KNOW I'M HERE FOR YOU, OKAY.
AND JUST IN CASE THERE ARE QUESTIONS I CAN'T ANSWER, I
INVITED ANOTHER DAD WHO IS NOT YOUR FATHER BUT FEELS HE COULD
BE.
BILL, COULD YOU COME OUT HERE, PLEASE?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> HEY, SPORT.
HOW YOU DOING?
>> Stephen: OF, CHAMP, LISTEN, FIRST OFF, BILL AND I KNOW YOUR
BODY IS CHANGING, OKAY.
I IMAGINE YOU'VE GOT SOME QUESTIONS BECAUSE OUR BODIES ARE
CHANGING.
WE'VE GOT A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
WHAT'S THAT RIGHT THERE?
IS THAT MY EYES GROWING GILLS?
WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING RIGHT THERE?
IS THAT GOING TO STAY?
>> AND WHAT IS THIS, HUH?
WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT?
>> Stephen: IT'S WHERE HE CARRIES HIS NUTS IN THE
WINTERTIME NOW.
HEY, I DON'T CONDONE IT.
I WANT TO BE CLEAR, I DON'T CONE CO-KNOW CONE IT, BUT IF YOU'RE
GOING TO DRINK, WE PREFER YOU DO IT UNDER OUR ROOF.
>> AND IF IT'S UNDER OUR ROOF I PREFER A SINGLE-MALT SCOTCH, NOT
OF THAT BLENDED CRAP, OKAY.
>> Stephen: LISTEN HERE, CHAMP, THIS IS IMPORTANT.
IF SOMEONE OFFERS YOU DRUGS, REMEMBER, JUST SAY NO.
BECAUSE IF YOU SEEM TOO EAGER, THEY'LL CHARGE YOU FULL PRICE.
( LAUGHTER ) BUSINESSMEN, OKAY.
>> AND, LISTEN, IT'S DANGEROUS TO PLAY WITH FIREWORKS ON THE
FOURTH OF JULY.
AND IT'S JUST PLAIN WEIRD TO DO IT ON THANKSGIVING.
>> DON'T YOU ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME, MISTER!
WE'RE TALKING TO YOU.
NO FIREWORKS THIS YEAR.
YOU WEREN'T THE ONE WHO HAD TO SCRAPE THE STUFFING OFF YOUR
GRANDMOTHER LAST YEAR.
>> THAT REMINDS ME OF SOMETHING YOUR GRANDMOTHER USED TO SAY.
>> Stephen: THIS IS GREAT.
>> WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU SWEET POTATOES, WHERE'S JIMMY?
SHE HAD STARTED TO LOSE HER MIND BY THAT TIME, BUT WE KNOW WHAT
SHE MEANT-- STAY POSITIVE.
AND FIND JIMMY.
>> Stephen: OBVIOUSLY.
>> WE THINK SHE WAS A SOLDIER SHE DATED DURING THE WAR.
>> WE DON'T KNOW.
YEAH.
LISTEN UP HERE.
WHEN YOUR MOTHER AND I TELL YOU TO BE HOME AT 9 P.M. ON SUNDAYS,
WE MEAN 9:00 P.M.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: OKAY?
WHO ELSE IS GOING TO EXPLAIN "WESTWORLD" TO US.
>> YEAH.
ARE THEY ALL ROBOTS?
YOU BETTER NOT TELL ME THEY'RE ALL GOING TO WIND UP BEING
ROBOTS.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE ROBOTS.
>> DON'T TELL ME THAT.
>> Stephen: OH, I'M SORRY.
( LAUGHTER ) OH, AND BY THE WAY, YOU ARE IN
HOT WATER, CHIEF.
THE LAB RESULTS CAME BACK REPORT FROM VET, AND IT TURNS OUT THE
NEIGHBOR'S CAT DID NOT SHAVE ITSELF.
( LAUGHTER ) >> AND, ALSO, I FOUND THIS NUDIE
MAGAZINE UNDER YOUR BED.
I'M NOT ANGRY.
I'M JUST CONFUSED.
YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A COMPUTER, RIGHT?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE DEAL?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S HAPPENING.
DID YOU FORGET THE WIFI PASSWORD.
IT'S 123PORN, OKAY?
( LAUGHTER ) SO I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS IT'S TIME WE FINALLY HAD THE TALK, OKAY, AND YOU LEARNED
WHERE BABIES COME FROM.
BILL, YOU'RE THE EXPERT.
>> WELL, IN YOUR CASE, YOUR MOTHER AND I GOT PRETTY FAR INTO
OUR SECOND BOTTLE OF SAVIGNON BLANC, AND WE WERE ABOUT A HALF
MILE OUT ON THE PONTOON BOAT, AND LET'S JUST WE KICKED UP SOME
PRETTY BIG WAVES.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M SAYING WE TESTED THE
BUOYANCY... YOUR MOM AND I HAD SEX.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: LISTEN, SPORT, IF YOU TAKE ONE THING AWAY FROM
THIS FAMILY MEETING, ALWAYS HAVE SELF-RESPECT.
IF YOUR FRIEND IS SAYING MEAN THINGS ABOUT YOU, HE MAY THOUGHT
REALLY BE YOUR FRIEND.
HE MIGHT REALLY BE YOUR NEXT PRESIDENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> AND REMEMBER, NO MATTER WHAT,
I'M PROUD OF YOU.
>> Stephen: YEAH, NO MATTER WHAT, HE'S PROUD OF YOU.
>> Stephen: GOOD TALK, KIDDIEO.
>> IT WAS A GREAT TALK.
>> Stephen:WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH WILLIAM H. MACY!