I get daily chest pains and it gets
like
It gets - it worries me, like I don't want to die because I bind every day. Now I always tried to affiliate myself
with like oh um
I'm not dysphoric about my chest. Well, I am if I always wanted to be flat.
Like, how did I not put that together?
I mean like I'm excited to have like a flat chest and like look walk around and just be like my chest look at these scars
[Chase chitters]
My binder days literally consist of over 12 hours of binder usage, which needs to completely stop like I need to stop I need
I just I need to be comfortable inside my body and I need I... I need surgery.
It's so confusing in my head what goes on because I am so excited for surgery. I-I can't wait
I can't wait to have surgery
I can't wait to be able to fucking be topless and to just fucking live my life and not worry about my fucking chest every five seconds.
and I'm also
so anxious. So I'm gonna be having surgery tomorrow at 12:30. So if you could keep emailing your thoughts
Oh my god, it's one o'clock right now. It's literally in
24 hours, I will be under
getting my boobies chopped off. The anxiety has now turned into excitement, which is good. I am
literally wearing my binder for the last
like
22 hours of my life like
[Whispers] that's so weird!
I'm so anxious I feel it in my wrists
Isn't that weird? I can't believe this is happening
I've waited for so long for this moment
officially post-op
video
here are my bandages
[Music and Chase being absolutely adorable and awesome]
This fucking binder constrained me.
Constrained every single part of me and who I was
Being on T helped me express who I actually was because I was able to have more confidence to be myself because I was myself and
getting rid of this binder
and never having to wear it again
helped my inner self expand even more and I think I've been able to demonstrate that in every single aspect of my entire life
especially on YouTube I was able to finally
finally
Be myself. It feels great. [Chase gets a lil emotional]
[Again, music and Chase being awesome and adorable]
Hello everybody and welcome to my five year post-op video I have been working
hours on the compilation,
comparison, whatever video that you just saw
umm, it's not that great
but I've been a little bit under stress because my channel is being - there's a risk that it might get deleted
so let's pray that doesn't happen. But for now, let's just enjoy and embrace this moment and talk about it a little bit. So I
can't believe it's been five years, but I also feel like it's been forever.
Sometimes a part of me forgets that I ever had the titty
and that's amazing to me that I've gotten to this point and I got to that point last year, too
But it's just like I looked down at my chest. I'm just so comfortable
like I I had a video and I oh my god, I
umm did not did not watch this video last year and I was watching it and there's a part in the video
- this is from like 2012 - where I'm talking about how I know just one day
I'm gonna look down on my chest and I'm gonna regret top surgery. But yet I want surgery. I'm watching this video like, Chase
Shh what are you saying?
and what I like about me and YouTube and like the
relationship that I've had with you and like the followers and the people who've been following me forever and
my body and my transition and myself is that I've never lied and I've never like
pretended that I'm something that I'm not and have never taken something off of YouTube and said "no, I never said that"
I admit to the things that I've done and I'm okay to leave that video up because it shows such a progression from
2012 to 2018. So in that video, I'm literally saying that I regretted going on T
about four months in and then I was fine and then I decided to go off of
hormones and then I will probably go back on so it seems like I'm all over the place and I don't really know
who I am and what I'm doing, but in reality that was like some of the most
like "I know who I am" moments of my life
previous to that, because I felt like I could actually listen to myself and hear myself. Anyways, that's a video for another video
I want to talk about how I literally said that I thought I was gonna regret my top surgery and there is not one
second of one day since May 30th 2013 that I have regretted surgery
I was gonna say chopping the titty but that might be too graphic, but you know what I'm saying.
um the only thing that I've said in my videos that I wish was different was I literally just wish that my scars were
just like like just like that literally t-that's it. But, you know, you can't be too picky. um
I'm sure if I really wanted a revision I could go to Gary mone throw
$6,000 at his face and he would do it for me. But I'm fine. I'm comfortable. I take my shirt off all the time
I used to be uncomfortable like at the beach at the pool around people who are cis who don't know I'm trans, now
I don't care. I paid so much money
Especially with the help of my followers too - I'm not like disregarding that at all
I did spend a lot of money on the titty. Okay. I spent these are $8,000 nipples hunty
I'm gonna show them off. So a couple of things I want to go through this video first. It's my chest
So I always do this thing. Do I have a fan? Did I get a tan yesterday? I went for a bike ride yesterday
Oh my god, I think I got it. Looks like I have a tan
I don't know if you can see it but on my little view finder - AAA! - it looks like I've got a tent
Oh my god bless anyways
So here is my chest five years post-op
Extremely happy, I do have some numb spaces
but I realized and figured something out about my chest and my body and
related to like sexual arousal and stuff this year. I've realized that
sometimes I can feel extremely disconnected from my chest because I don't feel my nipples much but other times I can
imagine myself
with the feeling of sexual arousal through my nipples, especially if I like go down here in this area
I know that that's weird cause it's not my nipple, but it's really down here
I've talked about kind of in other videos, but that's kind of what I wanted to say
I don't want to make this video too explicit because I don't want it to get like censored and demonetized and like age restricted, but um
I want people to be able to access this information? So that's kind of just what I wanted to explain to you that
That to me is really important
It's cool that I'm able to even five years
post-op still learn to explore my body and explore my chest and have different feelings towards it and and
feel differently about it, but in a
positive way and I promise you I am not making this video to throw it in the face of anyone who's not able to get
surgery because of money, parents, any type of medical condition, anything like that
I'm just expressing to you how life-changing top surgery was for me and I am
so grateful that I was able to have this experience and I
count my blessings every single day and I thank
every single person in my head every single day that I'm able to get surgery and um
I.. I-I was watching a video this is related. Don't worry. I was watching a video and in the video
I literally say like I don't have money right now. That's why I'm asking for donations
I feel really bad, but I swear to God when I'm when I'm done like paying off my student loans
I'm gonna pay so many peopl'es top surgeries
I'm gonna help them so much and that's so interesting to me that that I-I'm that person
I-I literally said in 2012. This is who I want to be and this is who I am today
I don't pay for people's surgeries because I don't have that type of money
but I do organize
gigantic giveaways and I do give away so many different binders and I feel like that's just a step in the right direction of where
I want to go with my life and
top surgery really helped me build the confidence in who I am and who I'm supposed to be and
To be this person that just helps the community as much as possible
I don't care about buying expensive things, buying all of these things that I don't need. All I need is a camera
That's good. All I need is a computer that's powerful enough to do my videos everything else. Throw my money
Okay, just take it buy binders get binders pay for shipping for binders, whatever. It doesn't matter
I'm just letting you know that I
had this dream of myself in 2012, 2013 and I only realized today May 30th
2018 that that dream is a reality and I didn't even notice it happened
I've always wanted to help people but to the extent that I thought that I would in
2012 to the fact that I am today is just
amazing to me and I feel very proud of myself. And that's something that I don't usually say I'm proud of myself
that's something that I'm like a bit like
reserved about because I have a lot of like issues but I am super proud of like what I've accomplished in the last
5-10 years and yeah anyways moving on from that. I'm just gonna show you my chest from the side here
I did gain some weight last year and then I lost some weight cause I have stomach issues and colonoscopy
I have no idea. So the weight thing is just all over the place right now, but
it's hard to do a comparison of that. But yeah, so here's my chest my scars here. They're still red and
some people might be asking why, look listen all bodies heal differently
Aaron my best friend had surgery like three years after me and his scars are like white so very lucky for him,
that's great for him. My scars are still red. There's part here
that's white and that makes me feel great. But the rest of it is still red
I take such good care of these scars hunty. I wear a hundred and ten SPF out in the sun under a shirt
I barely like put my chest in the sun I literally will take like a t-shirt and I'll put it like here and I'll stand
in the sun because I don't want my stars to get any darker because that's what happens with the sun and
yet my stars are still red. So there's nothing that I can do about that
I have different scar treatments and some have really helped and some haven't and blah blah, but at this point I'm like
can it even help after five years? I don't know. I would need to talk to like a scar
expert but I don't mind it. This is like the chest that I've always kind of seen for myself
like I've always knew known that I was gonna have a flat chest with scars underneath the nipple
So to me, this is my chest. This is my body. I'm not eyeing and idolizing the "cis" male body,
that's not the body that I want
this is the body that I want and I'm inhabiting the body that I want and I feel so comfortable in the body that I want.
So before I end this video. I wanna talk about couple things. Okay. First of all, you just did see this
this is one of
two binders that I kept that were mine
This was my swimming binder that it was actually given to me by an old roommate
And then this is the last binder that I ever ever
wore and
It is.. AW, that smell.
oh my god, it's just that binder smell. This is an underworks binder and I am
Gonna try it on. Oh
That is disgusting
Oh my goodness
This is tight and I don't even have the titty not that this is like triggering for me or anything like that
but I am
I am having some-some-some flashbacks of putting this on and having some issues and oh my goodness
This is just a weird weird weird
Experience, I did not plan on putting this on by the way in this video
Not that I'm like reminiscing about how great it was to wear a binder, but like after five years of not wearing a binder
it's like I've
worn a binder less than I wore a binder like the amount of time
Because I wear this for like four and a half years, I think not this specific binder, but
Alright two more things I want to show you
First the shirt, the last shirt that I wore before I had surgery was this one right here. I kept it. Here's the thing
I have a hard time letting things go and this shirt is like
You know when you sweat a lot and it like turns yellow a little bit. That's what happened to this shirt
I loved this shirt so much. I wore this all the time and
It it it just I missed it. I missed this shirt so much, but I can't wear it because it's like
yellow in the back and stuff, but I can't let it go
Like I can't. And then finally my post-op shirt, which I wore every single day after surgery
This was given me by my friend Mode. She didn't like it
So she gave it to me and I was like, okay
I'll bring it because that's that one of the most important things after top surgery
You bring shirts that button up in the front cuz good luck raising your arms to put a t-shirt on so yeah
So this shirt I wore every single day
When I was post op, so I kept it also I don't wear it ever. I do miss it a little bit but I
Don't know. I don't know and I don't have the blue shirt here. I don't know
I think it's like in my storage or something, but the shirt that you saw me wear
that was my favorite t-shirt ever and I put it on like five days or six days post-op or something like that and
Yeah. Anyways, the binder thing was weird. I'm sorry if that like offended anybody. I feel like maybe that was weird but
Yeah, I just wanted to thank everybody who's been following me this entire time. I really appreciate you sticking through all of the stuff
That's been happening to my channel
hopefully this video doesn't get taken down and I go get another strike and stuff like that because I'm topless and I'm trans but
Having Top surgery changed my life. I finally became the person that I knew I was supposed to be ever since I was 15
there are videos of me where I look so confused and I don't understand anything and I'm like I learned a lot about
FTM and I just look very confused and I'm very sad for that
fifteen-year-old. I'm very sad because I just want to go up to that room and hug them.
I want to hug them and tell them don't worry
Don't you worry because one day the person that you know you're supposed to be you're actually gonna become that person
Oh and by the way, I'm that person and I just would not believe it
What if we could all just go back? What if? Anyways I'm having an emotional moment right now.
I cried like literally 12 times while I was editing that video not hopefully you cried too, but hopefully you understand
how groundbreaking top surgery was for me for some people. It's hormones for some people
It's getting their name change for some people is just coming out to their family for other people
It's just coming out to themselves and that's their big moment. For me
I think that top surgery was one of the biggest moments of my life, something
I will never ever forget and I feel so blessed that I was able to record every single second of it and
annoy people with my camera and
it just feels
Right. I feel like this is the body that I was meant to
Inhabit and I have finally modified it and made it. Mine. It is now my body
It has my name on it and before it just was very confused and it wasn't
100% correct.
um but now it's here and I'm here and I plan on keeping making videos about
surgery and stuff like that
and I would love to make - I haven't made videos about top surgery in a very long time. If you have specific questions about
preparation or post-op depression or anything like that. Please. Let me know because I would love to talk about this
um yeah so I'm gonna leave it at that and um
Thank you so much for joining me on this journey. And next month is my eight years on T
so that's gonna be another fun video to edit and watch and cry too. I love you all so much
Thank you so much for joining me
Have a great day. Bye