I just broke up with this guy recently;
it's probably good, we would fight a lot.
One of our big fights was,
he would get mad at me, 'cause I liked to joke
immediately after sex.
I just feel like it's a good time for some jokes.
I don't think there needs to be any
gentle gazing period after sex. Uh...
I don't like to do any soft gazing.
I just feel like,
sex is done and now it's joke time.
(smacks lips)
I like to throw change on a man after sex.
That's very funny to me, personally.
Uh...
I just...
I just like to take some coins and toss them...
on his dumb, naked,
post-sex, man-body.
And say something like,
"Shh. Less is more out of you, okay?
"You take those coins and you keep your mouth shut
"about what's happened in this room, all right?
"Because, what happened right here,
"is disgusting, okay?
"Why don't you go out and buy yourself
"something special.
Because you're beautiful."
I also like to pretend, like, the guy tricked me into the sex.
Uh... (laughs)
Like, the moment it's done,
I'm just slowly realizing
it's all been a big ruse.
And I'm kind of obsessed
with tho-those old films from the '40s.
Uh... so, the moment sex is done,
I like to be like,
(Mid-Atlantic accent): "Well, I don't understand
"what that all had to do with
"helping the children.
"You said, if we did all them awful things,
"those children would get their cure for polio.
"It was all a lie, wasn't it?
"Those children are no better,
"for the godless things
"I've done in this room, are they?
"It was a big lie
"and now, look at me laying here,
all covered in sin."
I just feel like the right guy is gonna be like,
"Hey, listen up, Sugar Tits.
"Those children never had a goddamn chance.
"They are mangled with polio, as we speak.
Now, clean yourself up, for Christ sake."
I... (laughs)
I just went home to visit my parents.
I don't know if anybody feels like this, but when I go home,
I'm okay, for maybe six minutes
and then, I just feel weirdly furious.
(applause, whistling)
(cheering)
And then, I feel guilty
about the wild level of hostility that I'm feeling.
I was talking to my friend about this, I'm like,
"Do you ever get like that when you go home?"
And he goes, "Oh, yeah."
He goes, "Do you know what I realized?
"I realized, if my mom wasn't my mom,
I don't even think I'd be friends with her."
Right?
I'm like, "Really, that was
your big realization?"
I'm like, "Obviously, that'd be very weird,
"if you just had this intense relationship
with some middle-aged, diabetic woman in Pennsylvania."
You would just go fly and see her on the weekends sometimes.
And she would bother you about getting health insurance.
And you'd be like,
"Well, uh... this was great Sharon. Um...
"let's do it again in about five months;
"that's what I'm comfortable with.
"And, uh, next time when you're feeding me
"and I've told you repeatedly that I'm full,
I'm gonna ask you to start respecting that, Sharon."
My mom's just, really embarrassing.
Hew newest thing she's doing is...
well, she likes to talk to every stranger.
She just likes to sort of stop people
and have these kind of, sassy moments with them.
They're not having the moments with her, uh...
...they're often listening to her
with this sort of a stance.
Like, we were out at this Latin restaurant.
I felt so bad for the guy, because, I was like,
"He has no idea, what's about to happen to him
right now." Like...
Like, my mom likes to kind of, she likes to let people know
that she's just, she's kind of
down with everything, you know? So...
He comes over to our table,
he says something so reasonable. I was like,
"He has no idea what's about to happen."
He just told her, they were, they were very
and that, and that he needed a moment.
Here's my mother's unacceptable
response to that, she goes,
(Midwestern accent): "Oh, please, take your time!
I lived in California in the 1960s."
I'm like, "What the (bleep) does that mean?
What in God's name just happened?"
She will not stop doing that "California thing" to people;
I've begged her.
No one knows what to do with that. They just...
It's so genuinely confusing for people.
They just sort of look at her, like they don't feel safe.
I was an awkward kid, too, you know?
There was this girl in my school
and I just wanted to be her--
she just had everything perfect.
I was a very slovenly child
and... her name was Caitlyn
and she had this like, long, blonde, silky hair.
And I wanted hair like hers.
I had this strange, heinous, gnarled 'fro and I...
I got this piece of yellow yarn
and I just placed it over my head
and I would just go to school like that.
I somehow thought I was fooling everyone
into thinking I was a blonde
with this one piece of loose string,
just... tangled in my heinous nest-hair.
And I really wanted her name,
so I went to the mall and I had this bracelet made
that just said "Caitlyn,"
and I would wear it.
It was... It was very unstable.
I would just...
wear her name and stare at her, like,
"I'm Caitlyn, now. (laughs)
And Christ loves me, very, very much."
She was one of those girls,
she was always all organized
and did everything perfectly, you know?
Her pencil case was amazing;
I'm still very angry about it.
Her pencil case was incredible, it could do anything.
Little Koreans would jump out
and do cartwheels into the air.
I'd borrow a pencil from her
and she'd remember a few days later
and ask about it. She was one of those girls,
like... she really ran a tight ship, like...
(sighs) She'd be like,
(high-pitched voice): "I think on Monday morning
in second period, you actually borrowed..."
I'm like, "It's gone, bitch! It's gone!
"All right, I had a lot of Jäger.
"I have no idea where it is, right now, so...
I'm gonna ask you to let it go, okay?"