>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
SO I WANTED TO BE SENSITIVE TO
THE FACT THAT OUR COUNTRY IS
FEELING A LITTLE DIVIDED RIGHT
NOW SO I WANTED TO UNITE US ALL
WITH THE FACT IT'S RIDICULOUS
THAT AS A 33-YEAR-OLD GROWN
WOMAN LAST WEEK I DECIDED TO
WEAR A LITTLE BIT OF BODY
GLITTER.
RIGHT ABOUT NOW YOU'RE PROBABLY
WONDERING, ILIZA, WHY ARE YOU
WEARING BODY GLITTER?
I WILL TELL YOU, BECAUSE MY DATE
WAS LATE TO PICK ME UP.
GENTLEMEN, YOU MUST KNOW EVERY
SINGLE WOMAN IN THIS ROOM, NAH,
THE WORLD HAS A LIST OF THINGS
SHE DOES TO GET READY.
DOES EVERYTHING FROM PLUCKING A
HAIR ON A BIG TOE TO FILING DOWN
A FANG, WE HAVE A
LIST -- THERE'S A PINNACLE OF
ATTRACTIVENESS THAT EVERY WOMAN
IS CAPABLE OF REACHING MEANING
ONCE WE'VE GOTTEN READY, THERE'S
A POINT WHERE WE'RE DONE AND WE
AIN'T GETTING ANY HOTTER, OK?
AND EVERY MINUTE THAT YOU'RE
LATE TO PICK US UP IS ONE MORE
MINUTE WE SPEND MESSING WITH OUR
MAKEUP AND WE GET UGLIER.
UGLIER.
ONE TIME MY DATE WAS AN HOUR
LATE.
I GREW A TAIL.
LIKE IT GETS WORSE.
THIS GUY, THANK GOD, WAS ONLY 20
MINUTES LATE.
HE WALKED IN AMONG THE GROUND
THERE'S CABOOSELE SHRAPNEL
EVERYWHERE.
I GOT HALF A HAIR EXTENSION IN
AND WET-N-WILD LIP GLOSS AND SAY
STAY BACK, I'M A PRETTY GIRL.
GIRLS WHEN YOU HAVE TOO MUCH
TIME TO GET READY, IT BECOMES
YOUR WORST ENEMY.
GIVE YOURSELF ONE HOUR FOR YOUR
MAKEUP.
YOUR HAIR IS ANOTHER THING.
ONE HOUR, SET A TIMER FOR YOUR
HOUR AND DO YOUR MAKEUP.
GIRL, WHEN THE HOUR IS UP, PUT
YOUR KNIVES DOWN.
GIVE IT UP.
BECAUSE WHEN YOU HAVE TOO MUCH
TIME, YOUR IMAGINATION RUNS AWAY
WITH YOU.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO ME I HAD
TIME TO GO HUNTING FOR SOME BODY
GLITTER WHICH IN HINDSIGHT
WASN'T EVEN BODY GLITTER, IT WAS
STRAIGHT-UP CRAFT GLITTER AND I
THOUGHT I COULD DO A CLASIE
AMOUNT.
BUT DO YOU EVER THINK THAT?
DO YOU EVER THINK BECAUSE YOU'RE
NOT TRASHY YOU COULD PULL OFF
DOING SOMETHING THAT IS TRASHY?
YOU'RE LIKE, I COULD WEAR FINGER
GLOVES.
I WENT TO STANFORD.
THAT'S OK.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO ME I'LL
DO A LITTLE BIT.
I'VE GOT TIME.
I'LL GO A WINTER FROST.
MY ELSA ISN'T FROZEN!
WHAT'S A WINTER FROST?
GOT FIVE MORE MINUTES.
MAYBE DO THE ORBITAL -- WHAT WAY
WHEN WE'RE DANCING THE LIGHT
WILL HIT IT AND IT'LL BE LIKE
HEY, ANIME.
HIGHLIGHT MY JAWBONE SO HE KNOWS
I COME FROM WHAT?
GOOD CHEWING STOCK.
KEEP GOING.
FIVE MINUTES LATER, SPARKLE FISH
SO NOW I LOOK LIKE A ROAD FLAIR
AND WE'RE IN PUBLIC SO WE WALK
INTO THIS BAR AND ONE OF THE
DIFFICULT PARTS ABOUT BEING A
WOMAN BESIDES EVERYTHING IS THAT
WE'RE CONSTANTLY AT BATTLE,
WHETHER IT'S BATTLING FOR STYLE
EXPECTATIONS OF HOW MUCH YOU
SHOULD WEIGH, THINK, ACT, WEAR,
BE BUT MINUTE TO MINUTE WE'RE
FIGHTING WITH OURSELVES.
WE'RE FIXING OUR BRAS AND OUR
THONGS AND OUR HAIR AND OUR
MUSTACHES, BRAID IT, BEAD IT,
SET IT.
BECAUSE IF ONE THING IS OFF THEN
THE NIGHT IS RUINED, SCOTT!
LIKE, IT HAS TO BE PERFECT.
BECAUSE GIRLS FEEL IF WE HAVE TO
FIX SOMETHING, IF WE DON'T FIX
IT THEN THEN WE'LL MISS OUT ON
TRUE LOVE BECAUSE IT'S RIGHT
AROUND THE CORNER.
WE'RE ALWAYS FIXING IT.
SO WE WALK INTO THIS BAR AND I
HAD TO FIX MY LIPLINER.
THAT MEANS I HAD TO FIND MY
LIPLINER, AND GIRLS, I HAD A BIG
BAG.
I HAD A BIG BAG.
IT WAS THERE'S A VERY SPECIFIC
WAY WOMEN WILL SEARCH FOR
SOMETHING WHEN WE HAVE A BIG BA
BAG.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU TAKE A DESIGNATIONED
SEARCH -- DESIGNATED SEARCH CLAW
AND PLUNGE IT.
DEFINITELY SEARCHING.
LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE WRESTLING WITH
A VERY SMALL BAG.
MEANWHILE AS A WOMAN, YOU'RE
HAVING TO COME TO TERMS WITH THE
SEVENTH LAYER OF HELL THAT IS
THE BOTTOM OF YOUR BAG.
IT'S JUST A GRAVE-YARD OF
DISMEMBERED PENS TO RIVER STICKS
OF PENNIES WITH GUM GLOMED ONTO
THE SIDE OF LINCOLN'S HEAD.
AND WHY, WHY IS THERE ALWAYS A
CRUMBLED NATURE VALLEY GRANOLA
BAR?
WHAT IS THIS?
WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE MAKEUP OF
THESE THINGS THEY DISINTEGRATE
UPON ENTERING THE ATMOSPHERE AND
IT HURTS BECAUSE YOU STICK YOUR
HAND DOWN THERE AND COME UP WITH
OATS UNDER YOUR FINGERNAILS, AND
YOU'RE LIKE, WHAT KIND OF P.O.W.
CRAP IS THIS NATURE VALLEY?
UNDER MY FINGERNAIL.
OUCH, OUCH.
OUCH.
DIGGING AROUND, PHONE CHARGER,
SOCKS AND THERE'S ALWAYS A
CONCEALER THAT LOST ITS LID.
SO AS A GIRL, YOU'RE ALL PRETTY
AND YOU STICK YOUR HAND DOWN
THERE AND COME UP WITH ONE
CREAMY DIGIT.
YOU'RE LIKE YO!
NO.
YOU'RE LIKE NO!
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> James: THAT WAS FANTASTIC!
CHECK OUT "THE CONFIRMED KILLS
TOUR" ON iliza.com FOR CITIES
AND TICKETS!