Today on cold email tear downs
we'll be doing something slightly different.
I got this email from one of you guys, Jason Denbo,
who runs a transportation company.
Using similar tactics that we talk about in these videos
he wrote this email, but it could be better,
so let's jump in and see
how we can improve this email.
Off the bat the subject line looks okay,
Yeti and Orangedale Transportation.
Some other ones he could try is, About Yeti,
or Question for Yeti,
Hi from Jason.
Any of these are fine subject lines to try.
Then we jump into the body of the email.
Hi Justin, I'm a big fan of the Yeti products.
A couple of Christmases ago
my wife got me the Yeti Rambler Koozie
and now I have a ton of your products
including your awesome cooler, even though I don't camp.
I run Orangedale Transportation
and I'm in charge of making your transportation life easier.
So there's two parts to this,
one is the customized first line
and then the second is the pitch.
Let's start with the customized first line first.
I would say that this is too long.
It is customized, which is perfect,
but it's too long.
The big thing about this paragraph
is it doesn't really flow together.
I'm a big fan of the Yeti products, stop.
A couple Christmases ago,
my wife got this thing for me, stop.
I run Orangedale Transportation
and I'm in charge of making your transportation life easier.
Not connected, so I'll put that to a new paragraph
and I think the fix it just,
couple Christmases ago
my wife got me the Yeti Rambler Koozie
and now I have a ton of your products,
including your awesome cooler,
obviously a huge fan of what you do.
Something like that.
Something that's more punchy,
that they're gonna be able to read quickly.
What's so interesting about all of this here
is it doesn't really matter compared to this.
So I'd love to learn what you're doing right now
for your truckload transportation
and see how Orangedale Transportation
can help your business operations run even better.
So, business operations run even better,
Is the kinda thing that he helps with.
So I'm just gonna put that way up at the top.
And then, like we talked about in a previous video,
get rid you the I's and change them to other things.
So, would love to learn more,
instead of I would love to learn more.
So I'm just changing this around
to fix the flow a little bit.
I wanna turn some of these, like,
multiple sentences into one sentence if possible.
And then I'm getting rid of this pun intended,
'cause it kinda slows the whole email down.
Sometimes with copy, people get a little bit too clever
when, ideally you just wanna communicate
in the clearest way possible.
And then just changing and tightening up
some of this language.
Okay so that's the first part of the email.
I think it flows a little bit better now.
The other thing to talk about
is the call to action here.
If you're ready to move to a new standard of transportation
service, please get in touch with me directly
and I will set up a quick call.
This doesn't make sense as an email.
Maybe it makes sense as an ad,
but please get in touch with me directly,
you are in touch Jason, you're sending an email
directly to him.
So, instead of this, make it a question,
and direct it more towards the person.
And then I'm not a big fan of these extra lines.
I think they stretch out emails
and they're unnecessary.
Jason, you can leave that in if you want,
and I'm gonna remove it here.
And the last thing I wanna add to this email
is some proof.
I don't have a case study for them
but if you have a case study,
this is what you'd add here.
So, our model puts you first
and makes sure all of your needs are taken care of
since we know that transportation issues
can grind companies to a halt.
For instance, for this company we did this
and we got this result.
That's what we need to add to this email,
then the call to action,
and this is the email.
If you found this interesting,
feel free to like it,
to encourage this type of content on YouTube.
Subscribe for more B2B sales training
and if you need marketing support
for your digital agency
check out experiment27.com.
Thanks.