OK, so I have some good news.
And I have some bad news.
What do I want to hear first?
Bad!
All right, so the good news is--
[LAUGHTER]
--I saw an article that said that drinking wine is
good for you.
[APPLAUSE]
Yeah.
The bad news is, I saw an article that says
drinking wine is bad for you.
[LAUGHTER]
Every year, there's a study about wine.
One says it's good for your heart.
Another one says it will give you a heart attack.
I don't.
Know which do you believe?
I did my own wine research.
And my official conclusion is inconclusive.
I need to keep drinking more.
And I--
[LAUGHTER]
And then I'll figure it out.
[APPLAUSE]
Then what about tequila?
Is tequila good for you?
Or bad for you?
[APPLAUSE]
I know.
And this is true.
I heard there was a doctor that prescribed
three shots of tequila to a woman who had parasites.
I have never wanted parasites more in my life you guys.
I don't know if tequila kills the parasites
or, after three shots, you don't know what you have anymore.
[LAUGHTER]
Hello, little fella!
If you can-- I don't know.
[LAUGHTER]
Can you see parasites?
I don't know.
Studies are constantly contradicting themselves.
Running is great for cardio.
But then it's bad for your knees.
Calcium is great for your bones.
But too much hurts your kidneys.
Drinking coffee will make you live longer.
But too much keeps you up.
So you need to take melatonin to sleep.
But then how long do you have to sleep, they say?
What's good for you?
8 hours, 10 hours?
I hear some men sleep 22 hours.
And then they send the women out to do the hunting.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm thinking of lions.
I'm sorry.
[LAUGHTER]
But the remake of The Lion King looks good.
[APPLAUSE]
Anyway, smoking, of course, smoking is bad for you.
You don't need a study to know that,
although my wife is still smoking--
hot!
Ah-ha!
[APPLAUSE]
See what I did?
Thank you.
Three more years of that.
[LAUGHTER]
Who likes butter?
Is it good for you?
I don't know.
[CHEERING]
Some studies blame butter for obesity and heart disease.
Others say it helps with good cholesterol.
My grandmother used to have a scoop of butter
every night after dinner as a treat.
She lived to the ripe old age of 30.
[LAUGHTER]
Everyone thinks that-- [LAUGH]
[LAUGHTER]
Everyone thinks fast food is bad for you?
And guess what?
It is.
And if this is true--
so if alcohol is medicinal.
Laughter is the best medicine.
And if you want to be the healthiest you can be,
you want to be the envy of all your friends,
you want to live forever, all you have to do is drink tequila
and watch my show.
[APPLAUSE]