How ya goin' ya big old world of lonely bastards
Todays Agenda?
Romance
Let's not lie, most of the time
Love is RRRRIIIIDDDLLED with failure
I know that's not what anyone wants to hear
After a pandemic
And with a looming recession
And World War III on the horizon
But suck it up
The state of romance in the world
Is bloody apalling
I mean, wake up!
Take a look at what's going on at Disney Land lately
You think it's a happy-go-lucky place
Where Princes and Princesses
Can make lifelong commitments together
Nah, don't shit on my intelligence
You reckon everything will go to plan
Nah look at that dodgy bastard!
Snatches the engagement ring
You do things my way!
"Wait, what? Is this happening right now? Are you serious?"
Says the fella that took out a third bank loan for the ring
"Yes sir, you need to pay for that platform"
"You think love is free at Disney Land?"
Wowee, gaming, yep
That is a tough sell in an adult relationship
My lock picking skills have suffered deeply in Skyrim since I got married
I thought lockpicking was romantic
New Year's Eve can be romantic
There's a pash, and another one
Not for him though!
It's at this moment he wishes he chose
To go to a different party
Doing a sexy dance for your partner can be romantic as f#%k!
Have a look at this
"My money don't jiggle, jiggle"
"It folds, I like to see ya wiggle wiggle"
"For sure, it makes me wanna dribble dribble"
"Something about fiat"
Yeah, nah, wait a sec-
OH! LIES!
Meanwhile, over at the fancy restaurant
They should have chosen a secure table
There is nothing romantic about a
Dick full of Oyster sauce and cabbage
She's thinking "Absolutely no boom-boom time tonight"
F#%k me, they're on track to have a root aren't they?
Or are they?
This dickhead is checking if there's gonna be a crypto winter
Stop checking charts, mate, you've got a whole-ass sheila
On the dance floor
Just put it away!
The flower of choice for wankers in love
Roses
Where are these luscious petals leading her to
A candelit table with fish and chips?
An assortment of Balinese massage oil?
OHOH NO!
Fuggen Dirty Dishes!
This is awkward!
No comment! Nah, no comment!
So awkward!
When it comes to matters of the heart
Shit often gets firey!
Like, literally
Fire and romance do not go hand in hand
IMHO
TBF though
Fire is very primal
Hypnotic, and of course
Warm.
You get similar feelings when making whoopee
Which is why fire is popular in romantic engagements
Of course it can also be a safety hazard
I always recommend a fire management plan if it's part of ya foreplay
Crikey! Activate the Vegemite censorship!
This turned into a very confronting video
She's okay, she's okay
Let's end on another proposal fail
For some torturous
Sadistic reason
We're at a music show in a dungeon
Ohh, down goes the male human
He says "Whaddya think of this?"
"Bit of a ring"
"Bit of a lifelong commitment?"
She instantly looks like she wants to chuck a Usain and Bolt
She says "What the fuck are you thinking?"
"We're on our first tinder date"
"I've actually forgotten ya name"
"No, is my answer?"
"Or not now? Okay, cya, bye!"
This is more intense
Than one of those shows where Iggy Pop whips his cock out on stage
Have youse ever been to one of them shows?
This is more
Full on
Than an Iggy Pop indecent exposure concert
Which is f#%ken
It's hard to top that I reckon
Anyway!
Good luck out there everyone!
Cheers!