-Joe Biden has been elected
the 46th President in the United States
in a historic and overwhelming repudiation of Donald Trump
that ended with Rudy Giuliani screaming
outside a landscaping company.
And now nearly the entire Republican Party
is in lockstep behind Trump
as he tries to delegitimize and steal the election.
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
♪♪
Well, our long national acid trip is almost over,
and now it's time to pop a Klonopin
and let our designated driver take us home.
On Saturday, all the major networks
finally called the presidential election for Joe Biden,
and I have to say, even I'm surprised
at just how relieved I am that we don't have to suffer
through another four years of Donald Trump,
the single most annoying human being on the face of the Earth.
Even if you put aside everything else about him --
the racism, venality, cruelty, corruption, mendacity,
vindictiveness, and flagrant disregard
for any life other than his own,
he is still just a world- historically irritating man,
and the most irritating thing about him
was my and and many people's
absolute round-the-clock inability to look away.
For four years, it has been genuinely necessary
to monitor the President 24 hours a day, like zoologists
staring at two endangered rhinos hoping they'll have sex.
I mean, can you imagine living through another four years
of having to see his sweaty, overcooked ham of a face
on your television every day --
whining about toilets not flushing
or windmills killing birds, barking at reporters on his lawn
like a Long Island mattress store owner
who insists on doing his own commercials
and putting all his weird,
asymmetrical adult children in them?
[ As Donald Trump ] "So come on down to Oceanside Mattress
and use the promo code 'Shut Up And Lay Down.'"
[ Normal voice ] And thank God, we won't have to
watch him dance at his rallies anymore,
like the naked guy in the gym locker room
using his a towel to dry the back of his neck.
This point... [ Laughs ]
...in addition to preserving what's left of our democracy,
reversing four years of malicious racism,
savagery, and criminal neglect,
getting rid of Trump is just a quality-of-life issue,
like calling 311
about a jackhammer outside your apartment.
And clearly, I'm not the only one indulging myself
in the joy and catharsis of seeing
this deeply wretched husk of a man thrown out on his ass.
As the results came in over the last few days --
culminating with the official call
from the networks on Saturday --
there were celebrations across the country,
with people dancing in the streets,
honking, and banging pots in New York City,
flipping off Trump's motorcade in D.C.,
dressing up as mailboxes in Philadelphia,
and trolling Trump by blasting what has become
his campaign's theme music -- the "YMCA" song.
-♪ It's fun to stay at the YMCA ♪
♪ It's fun to stay at the ♪
-♪ YMCA! ♪
-It's just fantastic, and I love they're doing it
right outside the White House.
It's like playing "New York, New York"
outside of Fenway Park.
I like to imagine that while this was happening,
there was a also a sad flotilla of Trump's beautiful boaters
mournfully circling the waters off Clearwater Beach
to a funeral-dirge version of "YMCA."
"Why, God, why...
M-C-A."
Dancing crowds weren't the only people overjoyed
by the fact that we'll soon be rid of Donald Trump.
It was Joe Biden himself who came bounding out
for his victory speech like a journeyman reliever
jogging out from the bullpen
after finally getting called up to the big leagues.
It's nice to get Quaid from "The Rookie"
after four years of Quaid from "Total Recall."
-[ Screaming ]
-I know in one case, it's the actor's name,
and in the other, it's the character's name,
but the joke is for Andy Samberg,
and I'm pretty sure he's gonna like it just fine.
Anyway, I think we can all admit
that when we were watching Biden jog out,
we were silently hoping he wouldn't fall.
Anytime a 77-year-old man exerts himself like that,
it's a white-knuckle ride.
Biden's definitely one of those grandpas
who insists on doing everything himself.
"Grandpa, it's 5:00 in the morning. Where are you going?"
"I'm gonna shovel the sidewalk before my back pills wear off."
And then, Biden spoke for the first time
as President-Elect, and I mean this in the best possible way --
I remember very little of it.
Like, I think he said stuff about healing our divides
or unifying the country -- or whatever.
Honestly, I'm just relieved that a President-Elect
spoke to the nation and I didn't immediately Google
"Canada how move to."
And then, Today, Biden announced a task force of experts
who will guide him in dealing with the coronavirus pandemic,
which, let's not forget,
is currently ravaging the country uncontrolled,
with ICUs filling up
and hospitalizations nearing record levels.
And yet, as the crisis was continuing to spiral,
the current President was moping around his private golf course,
like a Palm Beach dentist after a messy divorce.
And that's also where Trump was when the race was called
for Biden on Saturday, which is just perfect.
Surprised he didn't just stay out there.
[ Imitating Donald Trump ] "Just leave me here.
I live with the geese now."
[ Normal voice ] I wonder if his aides gave him the news
out on the course or waited until he got back.
If I were them, I'd wait until
he doesn't have a golf club in his hand.
Can you imagine the rage divots he left behind?
It's probably why Rudy Giuliani always looks like that.
He gave Trump some bad news once,
and there's still a 9-iron wedged up his ass.
So, clearly, Biden supporters and sane people everywhere
got to enjoy a well-earned national moment of catharsis
as the results came in.
Now, let's check in on the other side
and see how they're taking the news.
-President Trump should not concede.
-It was stolen.
-The media is desperately trying
to get everyone to coronate Joe Biden as the next president.
-I think he would have to do a lot
to convince Republicans
that this is anything except a left-wing power grab
financed by people like George Soros.
I think that it is a corrupt, stolen election.
-There is no Joe Biden.
The man you may remember from the 1980s is gone.
He no longer exists.
What remains is a projection of sorts,
a hologram designed to mimic the behavior
of a non-threatening political candidate.
These people seek absolute sameness,
total uniformity.
You're happy with your corner coffee shop.
They want to make you drink Starbucks every day
from now until forever, no matter how it tastes.
-"And when that hologram drinks coffee,
what do you think happens?
Splashes right to the ground,
because holograms don't have real stomachs."
Alright.
So, based on the clips, they're not doing great.
Tucker Carlson thinks Joe Biden is a hologram
who wants to make you drink Starbucks every day.
And I'm sorry, but when is
the "Starbucks for liberals" myth gonna die?
Are we supposed to believe Tucker only drinks
campfire coffee out of a prospector's tin mug?
And, by the way, to anyone who thought
things were gonna go back to normal once Trump is gone,
just a reminder -- Fox News called Biden a hologram
who wants to force you to drink Starbucks,
and he's been President-Elect for two days.
Can you imagine what it's gonna be like
when Biden's actually in office
if Republicans hang on to control of the Senate?
Who knows if they'll even let him have a Cabinet?
Sean Hannity will probably accuse Biden of building
a secret Soros-funded Amtrak station on the moon.
But you know what?
Say what you will about Republicans --
one thing they make clear is they're tough guys
who don't cry like liberals.
So, if anyone can handle a bruising emotional defeat
like this one, it's the Republican Party.
-This is one of the things -- just give people time.
-Yes. -I mean, you know,
he's just found out that he's probably not gonna be
the President of the United States here.
And, I mean, you can say, "Well, it was in the cards,"
but you don't know until the votes are counted.
-I believe in decency in all matters,
and I think the decent thing to do
is let the President himself take the time he wants
to absorb this.
It is not easy, and it is extraordinarily close.
So if the President needs to take a few days --
maybe even longer -- to absorb,
ultimately, accept -- and I think he ultimately will
accept the outcome of the people --
you have to allow that to happen.
-Truly incredible.
The "liberal tears" crowd --
the people who spent four years
building an entire political movement
around triggering their political opponents
need a warm blanket and a cup of Earl Grey tea
to cope with losing a presidential election.
They literally wore shirts that said "[Bleep] your feelings."
"Yes, [bleep] your feelings, but my feelings?
You make love to my feelings."
But this isn't just a case of hurt feelings or wounded egos.
This is the beating heart of Trumpism --
the paranoid, authoritarian belief
that your political opponents are illegitimate.
And even though Trump himself might be on his way out,
the deep rot that the rise has exposed
within our political system
isn't going anywhere anytime soon,
and we can't pretend otherwise.
It runs through the veins of the Republican Party,
which is why Trump was thoroughly
and overwhelmingly repudiated.
Joe Biden and Kamala Harris won the most votes
for any presidential ticket ever
and by one of the largest margins in recent history.
They're on pace to potentially win over 300 electoral votes.
Meanwhile, Trump is the only president in history
to be impeached, lose the popular vote,
and be denied a second term.
He's gonna be the answer to a trivia question
for the rest of his life.
"Oh, man, I know this one. Guy used to --
His name was on buildings!
Aaagh! You know -- golf guy! Aah!
I knew I shouldn't have gotten stoned before trivia night."
Again, Trump is not unique.
For example, last night, he retweeted a clip
from Fox News in which Ken Starr,
the special prosecutor from the Clinton impeachment,
suggested that counting votes was itself illegal.
-To count every vote may be a crime.
[ Laughs ] It may even be a crime under federal law.
It's definitely a crime under state law if that is --
and here's the key word -- illegal.
And that's why you see -- and it's shameful
that Vice President Biden's people
and the Vice President himself are saying "Count every vote"
and selling a lot of T-shirts.
-Okay, putting aside everything else for a second,
you're mad that they're selling T-shirts?
All Trump does is sell and advertise
Trump-branded products.
The entire Trump campaign is like the merch table
outside a concert.
They have hats, shirts, cups, flags.
There's even an official Trump/Pence pet leash,
which just seems way too on-the-nose.
[ Imitating Mike Pence ] "Mr. President, I would prefer
if we didn't have the leash on the website."
[ Imitating Donald Trump ] "Oh, you know, I hear you, Mike,
and I'm gonna take that under consideration
right after you fetch this [bleep] ball for me!"
[ Normal voice ] But I appreciate Ken Starr
revealing the ideological core of the Republican Party --
their fundamental belief that counting every vote is a crime.
They believe the democratic process is illegitimate.
That's why they're manufacturing deranged fantasies
of systemic voter fraud without evidence.
Even when pressed for evidence, they can't provide any.
-I know this city has a sad history of voter fraud.
After all, Joe Frazier is still voting here.
Kind of hard since he died five years ago,
but Joe continues to vote.
If I recall correctly, Joe was a Republican,
so maybe I shouldn't complain,
but we should go see if Joe is voting
Republican or Democrat now from the grave.
In Philadelphia,
they keep the votes of dead people secret.
-Anytime Rudy does a press conference,
I half expect him to be trailed by an IV stand
and a nurse holding a little cup full of pills.
One of these days, he's gonna be interrupted halfway through
by an orderly yelling, "Rudy! There you are!
Free time is o-- It's lights-out at 8:00, Rudy!"
[ Imitating Rudy Giuliani ] "I'm making some very good points!
Can I finish making my -- They're very good points!"
[ Normal voice ] Gets crazier, though,
because that's the same press conference where Rudy found out
the networks had all called the race for Trump,
and this was his response.
-Who was it called by?
All the -- Oh, my goodness!
All the networks!
Wow!
All the networks!
-You know, Rudy doesn't think it's official
until it's called by the "Texaco Star Theater."
Sounds like he's on the phone
with Time Warner customer service.
"Alright, sir, we have several packages available.
Which channels would you like?"
-All the networks!
-[ Laughs ] But by far, the best thing
about this press conference was not what Rudy said,
but where he said it.
It brings us to the absolutely top part of the week,
and, honestly, it was almost as good as Trump losing.
You see, the way we found out about this press conference
was when Trump tweeted
"Lawyers news conference, Four Seasons,
Philadelphia, 11:00 A.M.," and then he deleted that tweet
and followed up with another, that said,
"Big press conference today in Philadelphia
at Four Seasons Total Landscaping, 11:30 a.m."
So, everyone thought they were holding a press conference
at the upscale Four Seasons Hotel,
and it turned out they were holding it
at a landscaping company called Four Seasons Total Landscaping,
and the hotel itself announced they had no connection
to either Trump or the landscaping company.
It's like if Trump announced he was holding a big rally
at the Lincoln Memorial, deleted it, then announced
he was holding a big rally at a Lincoln dealership.
So, how did this absolutely incredible moment
in history happen?
The Trump team was reportedly looking
for a friendly part of town to hold the press conference,
where they wouldn't get drowned out by Biden supporters.
But according to The New York Times,
"Aides told the President on Saturday morning
their intended location for the news conference,
and he misunderstood, assuming it was an upscale hotel."
But I think it was even dumber.
I think Trump said, "Do it at the Four Seasons,"
and one of his chucklehead henchmen
just glanced at the Philly phonebook, saw "Four Seasons,"
dialed the number before he saw "Total Landscaping,"
and they just rolled with it
because nobody can admit a mistake
in that fake macho basement cult.
It's just the best.
He thought he was getting a fancy hotel,
and instead, he got a landscaping company.
Something tells me this isn't the first time
this has happened to Rudy.
if you've ever seen him sleeping in a courtyard,
It's because he thought he was booking a room
at Courtyard by Marriott.
[ Imitating Giuliani ] "These benches are so comfortable!
When's the turnover service?
Plus, they have all the networks!"
[ Normal voice ] And it just keeps getting better
once you learn what else was near the landscaping company.
Again, this is where the President's lawyer
held an official press conference
falsely alleging a scheme of wide-scale voter fraud
in order to undermine an election.
-Originally, the President billed this press conference
as taking place at the Four Seasons Hotel
in downtown Philadelphia,
but it actually ended up being held
in the back of Four Seasons Total Landscaping --
no relation to the hotel --
very far from the center of Philadelphia,
next to Fantasy Island Adult Books,
across from the Delaware Valley Cremation Center.
-That's right -- they held a press conference
at a landscaping company
next to an adult bookstore and a cremation center.
So it was one-stop shopping for Rudy.
[ Imitating Rudy Giuliani ] "This is great.
I can get my hedges trimmed, pick up a porno mag,
and then get cremated.
I can't wait to pick out my urn!"
[ Normal voice ] The only thing missing from this scene
was a store called "Metaphors 'R Us."
Such a fitting way for the Trump presidency to end.
They tried to stage a deranged press conference
to undermine our democracy,
and it ended in a humiliating spectacle
brought on by their own incompetence.
Five years ago, this whole nightmare started
in a golden tower in Manhattan.
Now, it's ending
at a landscaping company in Philadelphia.
And yet, Rudy is not an outlier.
Today, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell
refused to accept the outcome of the election, as well,
despite the clear results with no evidence of fraud whatsoever.
The President and virtually the entire Republican party
are engaged in an attempt to delegitimize the election
and blow up our democracy.
Clearly, the deep rot in our political system
and in the conservative movement exposed by Trump's rise
is not going away anytime soon.
He is not unique,
and fixing that will require bold, systemic change.
So we'll be watching on this network and on...
-All the networks!
-This has been "A Closer Look."
[ Whistle blows ]
♪♪
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