- Hey, everybody.
Today we're gonna talk about inner child work.
What is it, and how do we do it?
But before we jump into that, are you new to my channel?
Welcome.
I release videos on Mondays and on Thursdays,
so make sure you're subscribed
and have those notifications turned on
so that you don't miss out.
But now let's jump into today's very important
and very requested topic.
Inner child work is something therapists
and other mental health professionals
talk about all the time.
But, like a lot of things,
we never really explain what it means
or even what you need in order to do it,
myself included, sorry.
I feel like I've been talking about this
in videos all the time,
but I've never actually done a video
where I tell you what this means.
So let's get into it.
Now first, I think it's important to know
that usually when someone is talking about inner child work,
they're mentioning it in reference to trauma work, okay?
That's the most common.
Because traditionally, it was believed that we will need
to reconnect with our younger self
at the time that the trauma happened.
Let's say we were abused when we were six through eight,
we're gonna have to connect with our us at six through eight
in order to heal ourselves at that age or time.
Does that make sense?
Hence the term doing inner child work,
meaning that when we act out in certain ways
as a reaction to our trauma,
we are really acting out from that child self
or as that child self.
You know what I mean?
We're essentially, when we're reacting out of our trauma,
we could be acting like six or eight-year-old us.
We could be doing childlike things,
maybe stomping our feet, or ugh,
and just screaming out or throwing a tantrum.
And it's not because we're not an adult.
It's just because we haven't done that inner child work,
and we're acting out of that.
And that's why it's so important
that we do the inner child work,
which I'll get into, don't worry.
But does that all make sense?
I hope so.
Because I know this can be confusing,
but I hope I'm kind of explaining it well
in a slow, easy way to understand.
So if you ever have a question to follow up,
let me know in the comments down below, okay?
Okay, so now that we know why inner child work is a thing,
because we can lash out and act out
as that child self when the trauma happened,
the thing I wanna talk more about
is why I use it with most of my patients
regardless of childhood trauma,
because I don't only use this for my patients
who've struggled with trauma.
And you may have guessed it,
but I believe we have all suffered
from some trauma as a child.
This could be as simple as when I was sitting
on my dad's lap on the riding lawn mower.
Spoilers, my parents really didn't follow any
of the rules or safety precautions, obviously,
but I used to love riding the lawn mower.
And I had my baby blanket with me, my pink baby blanket.
And I dropped it when I was on the lawn mower,
and it got sucked into the lawn mower
and spread out all over the lawn.
And it was terrible.
I was devastated.
That was my favorite blanket.
It was the blanket I was brought home from the hospital in,
and I'd kept it all the way
until let's say I was six years old.
And so I was just totally upset,
and I just couldn't be consoled.
And you could say, if you're thinking about it this way,
that that was kind of like a little T
of a trauma in my life.
It could also be that time when your parents got divorced,
or when you had to move schools or move houses.
We've all had scary
and possibly traumatizing things happen to us.
The problem is that as an adult, we don't see it as such.
Instead we look back through our adult lens,
our sage advice, and all of our experiences,
and we say to ourselves, well,
I mean, it wasn't really that big of a deal.
I mean, I was just being a baby about it.
If I think about me dropping my blanket,
I could say, it was just a blanket.
And my mom got me another one
that's almost exactly the same the week later.
No, that doesn't mean that I didn't feel really upset then.
That doesn't mean that how I experienced it
as six-year-old me isn't valid.
We always do that as adults.
We invalidate and downplay our experiences at that time,
because we're looking back with adult eyes.
And we can't truly, not always,
unless we get really in touch with ourselves
and we're mindful,
we can't always allow ourselves to go back there,
because it was scary.
We don't want to.
So instead, we look back and judge.
And so by working with a therapist
to do this inner child work that we're talking about,
we're hoping that you'll be able to connect with that young,
vulnerable, and probably hurting part of yourself,
because it is out of that self
that all of our unhealthy coping skills
or self-sabotaging behavior comes from.
And in a way, it's like we're cutting through
all the current garbage and issues,
and getting right to the root of the root.
You know how important I talk about
in getting to the root of the root,
which really just means
what's the real reason this is happening.
Sure, you're stressed out or upset right now
because of X, Y, and Z,
but why is that so triggering for you and so upsetting,
when other people might have similar situations
and not be as upset?
What's the real root of the root?
What's really causing that?
And it could be coming out of our childhood self.
Now this work, this inner child work we're talking about,
obviously can only be done when we have a good relationship
with our therapist and feel safe enough to get into it.
It can be really hard and really scary
to go back into that child version of ourselves,
especially when we're purposefully choosing
a really scary and shitty time in our life.
And if we don't feel safe in the therapy room,
or if our therapist isn't really mindful and aware,
like a lot of the therapy stuff that I do,
I'm so used to my patients
and the way that they react physically in the room,
if they're really shaky, or if they're moving funny,
or they're not making eye contact.
There are certain things I look for
to tap into to know when it's too much for them.
And so you really need to have that close connection
where you feel like the therapist really gets you,
and they know how hard to push, but not to push too hard.
And so you really wanna have that connection
before you really get into this work.
I just wanna put that out there
so no one gets retraumatized,
and then no one feels like you have to do it right away.
This is something you kind of work up to in your therapy.
Now let's get into the nitty-gritty of how we do it
and how we would do inner child work.
And one of the first things I have my patients do
is to have them write a letter to their younger self,
and sort of start a pen pal relationship
with that childlike self.
And the goal isn't for us to start acting like a child,
but instead for us to get back some of the innocence,
excitement, understanding,
and maybe joy that we used to have.
In a way, we're trying to get back in touch
with that self prior to any trauma.
I have my clients often start writing letters to themselves
before the bad thing happened.
I want them to get back in touch with who they were
and what that was like for them,
and get in that mindset of that childlike self
so we can see just how hard
or traumatizing that situation was,
'cause then we can work to heal it.
And through writing back and forth,
we can explore old memories, feelings,
and how it may still be affecting us.
It can take time and be really, really difficult,
but trust me, it can be so incredibly healing.
The next thing I have my patients do
is begin speaking to their inner child,
holding conversations.
I know it can make you feel crazy.
You can do it only in therapy
if that's where it feels safest.
But I usually want my patients
to try to find a safe place at home to do it.
You ask your inner child what loving or supportive words
or phrases they may have longed to hear.
These could be things like, I see you,
I hear you, or I love you.
And these can be all sorts of things.
Everyone's gonna be different.
No judgment about what phrases, or words,
or just comfort you wish to receive
when you were that age, okay?
Because it's really important that we take the time
to understand what you needed back then,
and giving yourself the opportunity
to give it to yourself now.
And it can honestly make all the difference.
I know this can all just feel very silly,
and you're like, Kati, it's so weird.
You're talking about yourself to yourself,
and having conversations with yourself,
and that sounds really crazy.
But just trust me.
No one can fill that void for us other than us.
And instead of thinking of that as hopeless or helpless,
just think of it that it's great,
because we can't control anybody else.
We can only control ourselves.
And so it should be really empowering
that we have all the tools we need to heal.
And also being silly, to go back to that,
is kind of the point of this.
In order to get back to being a bit more childlike
and getting more in touch with that child self
that maybe didn't feel free to be goofy,
we're gonna need to be okay with being a little silly.
But if it's too much for you,
it's okay to write these things out as well
if you don't feel like having a conversation,
and talking it out,
and talking about the things that you wanted to hear,
or telling your younger self those things.
You can write it out in those pen pal-like letters.
That's totally fine, too.
And finally, along with talking through
all the childhood trauma, because that's what we do
when we're trying to process it through,
so the trauma doesn't affect us anymore,
if we have PTSD or flashbacks,
that ensures that we processed it
until it doesn't have any emotional charge,
it's not upsetting anymore,
it could also help to write it out like a story,
or speak it as a story to your therapist.
Trying your best to remember as many details as possible.
I know we talk about that a lot,
but the details are really important,
because we wanna have the full picture
and we wanna give our brain all the information
to put it together, process it, and roll it away, right?
Like those marbles in Inside Out, the movie.
So you could even visualize yourself being back there
if that feels safe.
Again, remember it has to be with a safe therapist,
and a safe setting, and at your own pace.
But that's helped a lot of my patients
just to feel like they're back there, they visualize it,
but instead of feeling helpless, you can help yourself.
And often we change the narrative in that story
where instead of letting that trauma happen,
they're empowered, and they say no,
and adult them saves little them.
There's all sorts of ways we can utilize that visualization
or narrative-type therapy to heal.
There's a bunch of ways we can process it through.
So know that if one of these doesn't work,
there's a lot of other avenues we can go down to fix it.
And like I said, if visualizing doesn't feel safe,
this can also be done in letter form
as well as journal entries,
or even done in session with your therapist only,
whatever makes you feel safe.
We wanna just make sure
that we're not retraumatizing ourselves,
and that we're giving ourselves the space
to heal the inner child of us.
And this will help,
because not only will we reconnect with our child self
and slowly heal from the trauma,
but stories are the most healing way for children
and adults to process things.
Our brain loves stories, and finds them easy to process
and file away into our memory.
So this can be the healing we need to stop any flashbacks
or dissociation that we may be struggling with now.
And I just hope that gives you a better idea
of what inner child work is, why do we do it,
and why can it be so helpful and healing.
But I wanna hear from you.
Have you done inner child work?
If so, what helped you the most?
Are there other questions about this that I didn't answer?
Let me know in those comments down below,
and I will see you next time.
Bye.