- J-qualine, Balake, D-nice.
A-Aron.
- It's pronounced Aaron.
- Insubordinate and churlish.
(school bell ringing)
- Okay students settle down.
Settle down.
That includes you, Mr. Rodriguez.
Do you wanna take the milk carton off of your head?
Thank you so much.
Okay, we have a special guest today.
He's from this neighborhood and he's a former gang member.
And he's come here this morning
to talk to you about life choices.
So please give a warm Central High School welcome
to Donny Herrera.
- I used to be just like you.
Just like you, you, you, you.
Used to clown around,
make fun of the principal,
put milk on my head, just like you, Rodriguez.
And then I got hit with AIDS.
Consequences.
Got into some real trouble, boy.
Stole from my mom and dad.
Stole from my own sister.
And then one day a piano fell on my head.
- What?
- [Donny] Consequences.
- I feel like he missed a step there.
- Gave me 88 concussions.
One for each key.
You think I'm learning, but no.
See I'm just like you.
I got back out there, started making
some real crimes, home boy.
Oh, yeah.
And then I got trampled by a herd of Buffalo.
- What?
- Consequences.
- Okay, Donny, I think we've had enough-
- I'm not done with my story.
I was like you.
I decided it'd be cool to hang out
with some of the tough kids.
You know who I'm talking about.
They were hanging on the streets late at night.
More than cigarette smokers, homes.
And then one day I got shot out of a catapult.
- That's it. Okay.
- Into the mouth of a dragon.
- Students, everything you've heard here today is a lie.
- I don't lie anymore.
- You're all excused.
- Are you kidding me?
- Look at me.
I shouldn't even be here.
- I apologize, Therese.
- So I got really deep into crimes.
I did a drive by at my own daughter's quinceanera.
Yeah, shot up everybody.
Dead count.
Yeah.
Then I got sucked into a wormhole.
Consequences.
- That's it, okay, everybody go.
That's it. - I was in
another dimension trying to introduce my own parents
to each other.
Almost failed.
Arm was disappearing.
I invented Johnny Be Good at my parents prom
and at the last moment they kissed and it came back.
- The faster we get away from him the better.
- But nobody believed me.
Where's my crack?
Oh, there.
Consequences.
(school bell ringing)
- All right, listen up, y'all.
I'm y'all substitute teacher, Mr. Garvey.
I taught school for 20 years in the inner city
so don't even think about messing with me.
Y'all feel me?
Okay.
Let's take roll here.
J-qualine?
Where's J-qualine at?
No J-qualine here?
Yeah?
- Er, do you mean Jacqueline?
- Okay.
So that's how it's gonna be.
Y'all wanna play.
Okay then.
I've got my eye on you, J-qualine.
Balake?
Where is Balake at?
There's no Balake here today?
Yes, sir.
- My name's Blake.
- Are you out of your God-damn mind?
Blake.
What?
Do you wanna go to war Balake?
- No.
- 'Cause we could go to war.
- [Blake] No.
- I'm for real.
I'm for real.
So you better check yourself.
D-nice?
Is there a D-nice?
If one of y'all says some silly-ass name
this whole class is gonna feel my wrath.
Now, D-nice?
- Do you mean Denise?
- Son of a bitch.
You say your name right, right now.
- Denise.
- [Mr. Garvey] Say it right.
- Denise. - Correctly.
- Denise. - Right.
- D-nice.
- That's better.
Thank you.
Now, A-aron?
Where are you?
Where is A-aron right now?
No A-aron, huh?
Well you better be sick, dead or mute, A-aron.
- Here.
Oh, man.
- Why didn't you answer me the first time I said it, huh?
- Huh?
- I'm just asking you, I said it like four times
so why didn't you say it the first time I said A-aron?
- Because it's pronounced Aaron.
- Son of a bitch!
You done messed up A-aron.
Now take your ass on down to Oshak Hennessy's office
right now and tell him exactly what you did.
- Who?
- Oshak Hennessy.
- Principal O'Shaughnessy?
- Get out of my God-damn classroom before I break my foot
off in your ass.
Insubordinate and churlish.
Timothy?
- Present.
- Thank you.
(school bell ringing)
All right, we'll take a little roll here.
J-qualine?
- Here.
- [Mr. Garvey] You are present?
Balake?
- Right here.
- [Mr. Garvey] Uh-huh.
D-nice?
- Here.
- [Mr. Garvey] Good.
Jesseeka?
Thank you.
- Mr. Garvey?
- What is it A-aron?
- Some of us need to leave a few minutes early today.
- Oh.
Oh, is that so?
- Mm-hmm.
- And what, pray tell, is the reason
for this premature exodus?
- Yearbook photos.
We have to leave 15 minutes early to meet up with our clubs.
- All right, you know what?
That might work with other substitute teachers,
but I taught in the inner city for over 20 years.
Now y'all wanna leave my class early
so y'all can go meet up at the club.
Ain't none of y'all old enough to go to the damn club.
Ridiculous.
- Mr. Garvey?
- Damn, son of a bitch!
Did I st-st-st-st-stutter?
- Just then?
Yes.
- I'ma throw you out that God-damn window.
What, J-qualine?
- Mr. Garvey, we're telling the truth.
We have clubs at this school.
We have clubs for special interests.
- Oh, okay. I see.
So y'all wanna play?
Y'all wanna play.
Yeah, okay, we gonna play little games.
Fine.
I'll play.
I'm more than happy to play some games with y'all.
Anyone who's in a club, stand your ass up.
Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah. There it is.
There it is.
The usual suspects.
What the hell club are you in, J-qualine?
- Future Leaders of America.
- Okay.
Okay.
How would you know if you're gonna be
a leader in the future?
Is there a stargate in your bedroom?
Can you travel through time, J-qualine?
- No.
- Then sit the flip down.
Balake, here's the thing, I don't even know
why I'm about to ask you this.
Balake, what club are you in?
- I'm part of the Spanish club.
- Span...
This...
You about as Spanish as Reeon Seacrest.
With your big-ass fraggle rock hair.
How 'bout you, D-nice?
- I'm in the chess club.
- Er, I'm sorry, sweetheart.
You are not in the chess club.
The mosquito bite club, maybe.
- Oh, that's hurtful.
- Truthful.
There he is, A-aron.
- [A-Aron] Hey.
- What club are you in?
- I'm the president of the glee club.
Why did I talk?
- The glee club?
Like they gonna have a club dedicated to a TV show.
Take your ass to Oshak Hennessy's office right now
before I bust a club up in your butt.
- Okay.
- Go!
- Okay, I'm gonna go.
- Mischievous and deceitful.
Shakainerous and deplorable.
- This is Principal O'Shaugnessey.
Students, please report to the gymnasium
for your club photos.
- Fake announcement.
Now does anybody in here have a valid reason
for leaving this classroom?
Timothy?
- I gotta go pick up my daughter.
- You're excused.
(school bell ringing)
- Mrs. Brown is like the (indistinct) teacher
I've ever seen in my life.
You know what I mean?
Why you reading, bitch?
- Because I like to read, and this is a really good book.
- You're a really good bitch.
Bitch.
- Why you gotta bother me, man?
- Because I'm not doing very well at school.
I'm reading at a third grade level.
I really don't want to get left back.
So when I see somebody reading for fun?
It makes me feel that much more stupid.
And then I get mad.
- I didn't know that.
Thanks so much for opening up to me.
- Shut up, queer.
- I don't understand.
Why?
I mean, why you gotta go there?
- I've been having sexual fantasies
about some of the other guys at school.
- What?
- Give me that.
I'm afraid of these feelings and what they might mean.
It's like because I hate myself so much
I gotta point that hate outward, towards you.
- You understand this on such a deep level
that I don't understand.
(beeping)
- Now I'm gonna punish you physically
for acknowledging my emotional problems.
- Wait, wait, wait.
I was gonna say, if you understand yourself so well
then maybe you should try working on changing it.
- Of course I wanna change it.
But it's the only defense mechanism I have
against deeper, more terrifying problems
buried inside of me.
You're lucky my dad's here.
- Get in the damn truck, son.
I need to take you home and beat on you 'cause I hate myself
and you look like your mother who left me.
And I'ma block out the guilt I feel over mistreating
you with a river of vodka.
- I'm gonna internalize that and unknowingly transfer
it onto you tomorrow.
(somber music)
Coming reluctantly.
(school bell ringing)
(upbeat music)
- Hey, you going to Ray's party?
- Yeah, I'm going.
- You know, Amy's gonna be there.
- Yeah, I know.
- Things have been real good with her, man.
Tonight could be the night.
- Could be.
- Dude, you okay?
- Not really, dude.
- What's wrong?
You have the hottest girl at a party with no parents.
You're definitely gonna hit that for sure tonight, man.
You're gonna lose that V for good.
- My penis is white.
- Excuse me?
- I have a white penis.
- What?
But you're black.
- Nah-uh.
I'm biracial.
All the white went straight to my penis.
- What you mean like the color?
Oh.
- Yeah.
- But wait, dude.
How bad could it be?
- It's bad.
- How bad?
- It's like a Snickers.
- Regular or fun size?
- Which one do you get at Halloween?
- Fun size.
- That's the one.
(beeping)
I know.
What am I gonna do?
I mean...
How am I gonna hit it with Amy with my little, white penis?
Everyone's gonna find out and I'm never gonna hear
the end of it.
- Dude, Amy's white.
She's not gonna care.
- Really?
- Yeah.
She's white.
- Yeah.
That's right.
She's probably not even gonna know the difference.
- Nah, man.
White girl, white penis.
You're all good.
(upbeat music)
(school bell ringing)
Hey, there he is.
How'd it go last night?
- Don't wanna talk about it.
- What happened?
- Black vagina.
(upbeat music)
- The right triangle's longest side
is called the hypotenuse.
And it's this side here.
- Hey.
I wish I were high on potenuse.
- I wish I was high on potenuse.
- Okay.
Okay, okay.
Mr. Morris, it's very funny.
It's very funny but let's get back to the lesson.
And we can see the longest one, where it goes from-
- That was my joke.
- I know, man.
That was hilarious.
- [Teacher] I've labeled them here A, B and C-
- No, but I mean I said that.
I said it.
I said that.
- Please.
Please, Mr. Jackson, keep your comments to yourself.
Thank you.
Now the hypotenuse.
Mr. Morris, you really got me on that one.
Oh, so great.
Oh, oh, Principal Martel.
Principal Martel, come here?
Come here, come here.
Tell Principal Martel what you said, Troy.
- Oh she was talking about the hypotenuse
and I said, "I wish I was high on potenuse."
I'm sorry.
He likes it.
Principal Martel's cool.
- Oh, that's...
That's very funny.
- Principal Martel?
Principal Martel, I said that.
- Mr. Jackson, that is enough.
- But I said that first.
- Oh, Mr. Iglesias.
Mr. Iglesias yes.
Come in. Come in.
- Yeah? What's up pupils?
- Fluffy.
- Comedian Gabriel Iglesias is touring
the local schools today for a charity he's working on.
Tell him what you said.
- Oh, I wish I was high on potenuse.
- Oh my God, that is clever.
That is clever.
Very funny.
Very funny. - No.
No.
No. - Right?
Thanks.
- Mr. Iglesias?
Mr. Iglesias?
I'm your biggest fan.
That was my joke.
- You know it's not really cool, buddy,
to take credit for other people's jokes.
Hey, listen, funny stuff, I'm doing this big tour right now,
you wanna see about maybe we could talk about you opening?
I need an opener.
- What?
- Erm...
Erm, sure.
- What do you think? Is that okay?
- Of course.
- Yeah. - Of course.
- What?
- Great talent, man. - It's nice to meet you.
Thanks so much. - You look like
a Richard Prior.
Get over here, man.
- Richard Prior.
- He deserved it.
All right, so across from the longest side
is a 90 degree angle.
- Good thing I've got a 90 degree dangle.
- Joe, stop it.
You will never be Troy.
- Why are trying to be like Troy?
Dick.
- Et tou, nerdy girl.
- So, the hypotenuse...
- What the (beep) is going on?
- I'm gonna piss my pants.
I'm gonna piss my pants right here.
Oh my God.
Oh.
(school bell ringing)
(class chattering)
- I am your substitute.
Mr. Nostrand.
But that might as well say no nonsense
because I do not play.
Now today will not be a day off.
In fact today you will work harder than...
(Mr. Nostrand farting)
- [Boy] Somebody call code brown up in here.
- [Boy] See you later Mr. Poopstrand.
(school bell ringing)
- All right, everybody just, let's settle down,
settle in and like just totally let's get our math on.
Okay?
All right, guys.
So...
All right, Jimmy.
Somebody's got a little extra energy from Phys Ed, right?
Jimmy, buddy?
Hey, buddy, let's...
Okay, let's knock it off.
Okay?
Okay.
- Knocked it off.
- You got me.
He got me.
Right, guys?
Jimmy, dude, all right, let's take our seat.
That's great.
Very good.
Bravo, Jimmy.
You guys can clap.
That was awesome.
Oh, and I thank you.
I thank you for the entertainment, man.
Jimmy?
Now, let's go, man.
Hey, buddy...
I don't wanna harsh your vibe, man, but-
- Ah, eureka!
- I'm gonna be honest with you, you're really pushing
my buttons now, Jimmy.
You're driving me crazy, man.
That's enough.
Do you want me to write your name on the board?
Okay, Jimmy, do you want me to call Principal Martel?
That would not be bitching, would it?
Okay.
You know what, Jimmy?
You know what?
Why don't you come up and teach the class, man?
Wouldn't that be awesome?
- Moi?
- Yeah, come on up.
No, and then you know what I'm gonna do, Jimmy?
I'll just sit here, how 'bout that, Jimmy?
And then we can all watch how you're being disruptive.
Oh, I see, that's supposed to be me.
Right.
All right, Jimmy, okay.
I see that.
I get it's supposed to be me.
It's time to be done, Jimmy.
Don't you dare, Jimmy.
Oh, yeah?
Well this is you, Jimmy.
(speaking gibberish)
I'm you, Jimmy.
(yelling indistinctly)
How about that, Jimmy?
Huh?
Oh, I'm gonna slap five.
Give me five.
Huh?
How 'bout that?
Huh?
That's you, Jimmy.
I'm Jimmy.
I'm Jimmy, and I need attention.
Yeah, I'm Jimmy.
I'm Jimmy.
Oh, look at that.
(speaking gibberish)
That's the funniest thing I've ever heard
in the whole world.
I'm Jimmy.
I want attention.
I'm Jimmy. I'm Jimmy.
- Mr. Fire?
- Principal Martel.
No. What?
No.
No, no, no, no.
No, it was Jimmy.
It was Jimmy, Principal Martel.
No, Jimmy.
No, it was Jimmy.
It was Jimmy.
- [All] Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy,
Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
(dramatic music)
(upbeat music)