- You know what I like about you?
- No, what?
- It's like you're not afraid to be like brainy
and respectful.
- Right, thanks.
I really liked your boobs.
- I think we really compliment each other well.
- We just did it, right there.
- And I pretty much go with the flow.
- Right, right.
- And what the (beep) is wrong with you?
- Excuse me?
- Do I look like Mad Max to you?
- No.
- Then why the (beep) is water a rare commodity here?
(gentle music)
- Hey girl, I'm home.
- Hey boo, how you doing?
- Good.
- [Woman] How was work?
- Sucked.
- Aw, can I ask you a quick question?
- Yeah, sure, what up?
- I just been noticing that every time I leave to go out,
the next time I open the computer,
the browser history has been cleared.
- Hmm, that's weird.
- Yesterday I went food shopping for like 15 minutes.
I used a computer before I went to the store
and when I came back, my history was gone,
the cash was cleared and the cookies had been reset.
- Huh?
(dramatic music)
Well, I think sometimes the computer
runs an automatic software update,
so maybe that just kind of clears the history.
- Yeah, except when you update the software,
a little window pops up and you click okay
and then it gets installed, so.
- Hmm.
(dramatic music)
I don't know, maybe there's something wrong
with the computer, you know?
And it's just one of those things
whenever it gets interrupted from the power source,
it has to reboot and it just totally wipes out the history.
- Be honest, babe, is porn, right?
- Porn, what's?
Oh, pornography?
No.
- It's okay if you look at porn, I assumed you did anyways.
I mean, every guy does, I'm perfectly okay with that
as long as it's not that weird stuff.
(dramatic music)
Oh, all right, well, I mean kinky's okay, I like kinky.
As long as it's not that sick, twisted S and M stuff.
(dramatic music)
Wow.
Okay, I'm not gonna judge your journey.
It is your fantasy, just as long
as you're looking at women who.
(dramatic music)
Not women?
Wow!
Okay.
Men?
Chicks with dicks?
Horses?
Worse than horses?
Wow.
- Baby, give me a little credit.
None of that matters.
The only thing that matters that when we're doing it,
I'm thinking about you and you're thinking about me, right?
Right, baby?
(dramatic music)
Hey baby, wake up.
- What time is it?
What are you doing?
- Good morning.
- Hey!
- Come on girl, it's time to get up, let's go.
- Delete the picture mother(beep).
- Okay.
Delete, deleting it.
Delete, delete photo.
Okay.
It's gone, it's all gone.
- Thanks, baby.
How do you want your eggs?
- (heavy breathing) Scrambled.
(seductive music)
What's all this?
(seductive music)
- This is your lucky night.
I wanna be your fantasy, whatever you want me to do,
whatever you wanna do to me,
you just tell me you're naughtiest fantasies, boo,
and you'll get it.
- Seriously?
- Seriously.
- Like for realsies?
- For realsies.
- Well, how about we call up your friend, Erica.
(window braking)
(man screaming)
(body thudding)
- Excuse me, I think we're ready to order.
- Well, I'm sorry, that's not how things work
in this establishment, someone will come to you.
- Yes, we're sorry, no problem.
- What was that?
- What?
- Well, where was black Jeff?
- Black Jeff?
- Yeah, black Jeff.
I read somewhere that when you date a biracial guy,
you're supposed to get the best of both worlds.
So there are white Jeff situations
and there are black Jeff situations
and that was definitely a black Jeff situation.
- Oh, okay.
- Hi folks, I'm so sorry for the wait.
Can I get you bottled or tap water
for the table this evening?
- How about I bottle yo ass and kick it
down the stairs, man.
We've been waiting half and hour
for one of you mother(beep) to show up.
- God, I'm so I'm so sorry, I'll get you a bottle
of our finest premium water on the house.
- That's what I said, bitch.
- What are you doing?
- Black Jeff, that was black Jeff.
- But he was just trying to help us.
- Oh, so white, white Jeff?
- Yes.
- Good evening, I'm sorry to bother you two.
I am the maître d' here at Chez Henri.
- Oh yes, what is it?
- I am so sorry to disturb you both,
but our establishment has a certain dress code
and madam's décolletage is inappropriate.
- Oh, my God, we're very sorry.
We didn't know there was a dress code.
We'll certainly remember for the next time,
but there ain't gonna be no next time
for you looking at my woman and her deco, chucka,
chuckalage or whatever you said, man.
- Is there a problem here?
- Okay, see, it was really a simple misunderstanding.
It all started with that mother(beep) right there,
who has disrespected myself and my girl.
But we really love this guy
and he gave us exceptional a service.
- We're gonna have to ask you to leave.
- You have to ask me to leave?
No you have to ask the black man to leave, huh?
Actually, you don't have to ask us to leave,
we just wanna ourselves out
and we ain't never coming back again,
though we really appreciate your help.
- That's a.
- Oh, lo siento mucho, watch your ass, man.
Let us reimburse you for that breakage, okay?
Right after I'll burn this whole place
to the mother(beep) ground with everybody inside of it.
By which I mean, you're going
to get a very negative review on Yelp.
- (exhaling) This place is so nice.(chuckling)
- This is supposed to be one
of the best French places in town.
- Mm, I did not realize that you were so cultured.
- You're sweet.
My French is pretty good.
So, I can order for both of us, if you like.
- Oh, well, well, well.
- Bonjour, welcome to (speaking French).
I am your way waiter for this evening.
My name is Jean Luc de la Pierre Argonaut,
but you may call me Jean.
- Bonjour, Jean.
- Oh, look at you.
- If you have any questions about anything at all,
I'm more than happy to assist you.
- Jean, I got it.
Merci beaucoup.
- Oh, tres bien.
Well our first special tonight is a
(speaking French)
served with a (speaking French)
that is served on a bed (speaking French)
and also (speaking French).
- Oh, yum.
- Our soup today is the (speaking French)
with just a dash of (speaking French)
and served with melted (speaking French).
- Soup.
- Yeah. (chuckling)
- Our ardoise for today, we have a very nice
(speaking French)
from the (speaking French)
It is served with the side of (speaking French) sauce.
- Man, it's just, I'm a little bit overwhelmed.(chuckling)
- Man, oh yes, okay, I'm so glad you said that.
I was about to say the same thing.
- Okay, so you would recommend getting the (speaking French)
with the, oh, I'm sorry is the (speaking French)
in a heavy (speaking French) sauce?
- Oh, no, no, no.
It's more like a (speaking French) sauce.
- (chuckling) What do you think?
I'm gonna defer to him on this one,
because he knows this stuff way better than I do.
- Monsieur?
- What choice?
Yeah, we'll have the (speaking gibberish).
We'll try the (speaking gibberish).
It's been nice knowing you, have a lovely dinner.
- Oh, thank you.
- Well, wish I could just stay at my old place,
but I can't afford the new rent.
- Yeah, moving sucks.
You know, strangers handling your belongings,
the movers always break something.
- Oh no, I can't afford professional movers.
I'm moving my stuff this Saturday.
(dramatic music)
Good to go with the small stuff just going back
and forth with the hash bag.
But do you think you can borrow your roommate's van
and you can help me with some of the big stuff?
- Um, yeah.
You know what?
I've been thinking a lot lately
and I think we need to spend some time apart.
Not, not to break up.
No, I just, I just, just some time.
Time apart to figure ourselves out and, and, and then,
and then we come back together stronger, you know.
- This is coming out of nowhere.
- No, it's not.
I've, I have, I've tried to tell you like,
like a million different ways, but you don't listen.
See, that's the thing is that you, you never listen.
I don't need this time apart for me.
I need this time apart for us.
How long do you think it's gonna take you to move?
- Okay, this is about the move.
You don't wanna help me move.
- What?
I would love to help you move.
That's what boyfriends do, Claire.
- I just think that it's a weird coincidence
that you need space, right when I'm about to move.
- Oh my God.
Oh my God.
I am so sorry that I didn't plan my emotional turmoil
around your move.
Look it, look at your face.
See, and now you've assumed the worst of me
because you do that and that's why we need
to spend time apart from each other.
- That is not fair.
- Not fair?
Fair?
Babe, all I'm asking for is 12 lousy hours this Saturday.
- Okay, fine!
- Okay, fine?
- We'll move on Sunday.
- 48 hours.
I don't know what I was thinking.
12 hours is nowhere near enough time to do what I need
to do to make our relationship stronger.
See, you got me all confused and you know what?
I love you, but I gotta get outta here.
I can't, I just can't, I don't.
I'm so confused right now I feel like, I can't think,
and the walls are closing in on me
and I just don't know what to do, I.
- That was my landlord.
He says he doesn't wanna lose me as a tenant,
so he is not going to raise my rent.
Now I don't have to leave my place.
- I don't need time apart because we're perfect together.
Will you marry me?
(romantic music)
- You paint my apartment.
- Yeah, of course, I'm painting her apartment.
That's what a boyfriend's do.
When exactly do you think that's gonna happen?
(both chuckling)
- God, the moment I saw you last night
at the club, totally had to ask you out.
- Are you kidding me?
Like the moment, that's so sweet.
- And I was actually afraid that you were gonna be like one
of those high maintenance chicks, you know?
- What?
- Yeah, oh, yeah, I don't know, a control freak or,
I don't even know, I don't even know.
- Oh, my god, that's so funny.
- Isn't it, (chuckling) is it funny, is it funny?
- Nah, I'm like, I totally just like
to be just like easygoing.
- Yeah, yeah.
- It's been five minutes and we're
just now getting our menus?
- I'm sorry.
- Don't be sorry, be better.
- Right, okay, I'll be better.
- At your job.
Thank you.
So yeah, my philosophy is pretty much
like keep it chill.
- Right, yeah, yeah.
- You know what I like about you?
- No, what?
- It's like you're not afraid
to be like brainy and respectful.
- Right, thanks.
I really like your boobs.
- I think we really compliment each other well.
- We just did it, right there.
- And I pretty much go with the flow.
- Right, right.
- What the (beep) is wrong with you?
- Excuse me?
- Do I look like Mad Max to you?
- I'm sorry?
- Do I look like Mel Gibson with a mullet?
- No, not at all.
- Does he look like a feral child
with a boomerang in his hand?
- No.
- Then why the (beep) is water a rare commodity here?
- It's not, it's not.
I'm just.
I'm sorry, I'm just really slammed.
- You'll know when you're slammed
because your nuts will be on the table
and my fist will be covered in your blood.
(slurping water)
- You were like kind of harsh to that guy.
- Oh, him?
- Yeah.
- No, I was a hostess at a restaurant.
In the industry that's how we talk to each other.
I'll show you.
- Hey?
- Hey.
- What do you see there?
- That's your water.
- N-ne-ne-ne-ne, down.
- Down?
- Down boy.
On your knees.
- Okay, I have other tables that I have.
- What does that look like to you?
- Yes, there's a little lipstick on your glass.
- Okay.
- But.
- Megan, it's your, it's your.
- This is what I want you to do.
I want you to take this glass in the back.
I want you to break it.
Take the biggest shard you can find and bring it to me.
- I'm.
- And I wanna slit your gullet.
- All right, I'm just, I'll get you another water.
- I'm gonna slit your throat and watch you bleed out
and I'm gonna shower in your blood.
- All right, I'll get another water.
- Well, that would be great, thank you.
But as I was saying, like, it just feels like
it's like do unto others.
- Megan!
That was your lipstick on the glass.
What the hell is that, what are you doing?
- Wait, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, my god.
You're still you, no one's ever talked
to me like that in my life.
- I'm just saying that your lipstick was.
- You have his back, who does that?
- It was your lipstick on the glass.
- He's just a waiter.
You know what?
Take his side.
I hope you have a very happy life together.
- Meghan, what's going on right now, what are you do?
(upbeat music)
Seriously, Meghan.
- No.
Meghan, you left your jacket.
- Hey.
- You left your jacket.
- Hey.
Don't do it.
- Man I just hurt her feelings
and then she left her jacket.
The least I could do is give her back her jacket.
- Don't do it.
- She (beep) need her jacket.
- She does not need it, it's 87 degrees out.
You know she doesn't need it, in your heart of hearts
you know she doesn't need that jacket, don't do it.
- She's gonna need her jacket.
- [Waiter] No, she's not gonna need.
- Megan, you need your jacket, though.
(upbeat music)
- Seem like a nice guy.
(people chattering)
- [Andre] Are you kidding me?
- No.
- Seriously, you've got to come back in the bar right now.
- You come back in the bar.
- Meghan, I don't even (beep) know Claire.
- Yeah, right.
- I'm sorry, you left your jacket.
- Yeah, well, why don't you give it
to your new fat ugly girlfriend.
- I didn't even met her yet.
- Whatever.
- You left your jacket, Megan.
- Oh, throw it in the river.
- Why would I (beep) do that?
- I don't care, I'm over it.
- Fine!
God.
Megan!
- Leave me alone!
- But your jacket, though.
- [Megan] No.
- Megan!
- You start buying drinks for everybody
as soon as she comes over, I mean, who does that?
- Megan, come back to the bar!
- You're literally an asshole.
- How's that possible?
I can't be an asshole, I got arms legs and a head.
- Where's my jacket?
- I have your jacket.
- Fine.
- Do you want it?
- No!
- You know?
- Beat it!
- Why would I do that?
You know what?
I'm not following you anymore, I'm done.
- Fine, I'm over it.
- Fine!
(police siren going)
- Megan, come back to the bar.
- No!
- Meagan!
- [Megan] Uh-ha, no.
- Megan, Megan!
Megan, do you want your (beep) jacket?
- No.
- Seriously, come back to the bar.
- You go back to the bar.
- I'm gonna throw this jacket in the water.
- Oh, nice, that's really nice.
- What do you want me to do, Megan, damn!
- Kiss my butt hole, okay?
- Good, fine, fine, then I'm going, I'm leaving right now.
God damn it.
Megan!
- No.
- Like seriously, your jacket.
- No.
- But it's your jacket, though.
- Whatever.
(eerie music)
- Meghan!
- No.
- I have your, I have your jacket.
- I'm over it.
- Seriously, Meghan.
(bird cawing)
(eerie music)
- So what do you wanna do tonight?
Like I was thinking maybe we can meet up with Amy and Brad
and like before that we could go to Angelo's
and before that we could like, just go by.
- Meghan, I have something to say.
I had to say it in person because it's,
it's like super important.
- Okay.
- I know this is sudden but like I've been thinking
about this for a while.
And I know this is something that needs to happen.
I'm breaking up with you.
- Cool, love it, totally fine with that.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Cause I thought, I was really worried
that you're gonna be like mad.
- Mad?
Oh my God, are you kidding me?
No, of course I'm not mad.
People grow apart, it happens, it's like part of life.
No, I'm totally fine, like, love it, love it, love it.
- Um, (coughing) so, you know, we, we had a good run, yeah.
Don't be a stranger, yeah.
- Can I just, can I ask why?
- Why?
- Yeah, like whatevs, like I'm dong some work on myself
and like trying to grow as a person.
- Cool, cool.
- So, I really like appreciate to know why.
- Yeah, um, okay, yeah, that's like.
You know, I think that you're kind
of like a controlling person.
- Thank you, thank you for that.
That's nice, thank you for that.
- Cool, no problem.
- [Meghan] Yeah. - Yeah.
- So, you know what your problem is, Andre?
- What?
- You keep tabs on people.
Every little thing somebody does,
you have to keep a tab of it.
- Wait, I, I can't tell if you're angry or not.
- I'm not.
Totally not angry.
No, I'm excited, it's good,
it's just like you said your peace
and I just think that I deserve the human decency
to say my peace.
- Right, right.
- Is that, is that not okay, or?
- No, no, no, it's, no, of course, of course.
- You're a controlling manipulative person.
Everyone says that.
- I don't think that I am.
- Yes, you are, Andre.
Yes, you mother(beep) are.
- Okay, now like you sound pretty angry.
- I'm not angry.
I'm not angry, I'm fine, I love it.
I love that you came to my house
and you broke up with me in my space.
And I'm gonna think about that every time I'm here.
That's great, that is so perfect for me.
It's the best thing that (crying).
- Where else was I supposed to do it?
Because you won't come to my house.
- Oh, there he is, the puppet master is back.
- But I'm not, I'm not the puppet master.
- Than why are you doing this to me?
- It's true, you won't come to my house.
You said my apartment looks at two rats just (beep)
in it every day.
- Oh right, like thank you for that.
I'm a bitch, thank you.
- I didn't call you, I didn't say bitch,
I didn't say, all I said was that.
- Well which is it, am I evil or am I a bitch?
- No, though, you're not evil, Meghan, you're not.
- Then why are you punishing me?
- I'm not punishing you, I'm not.
- Oh, no, you broke up with me
and I'm not supposed to feel punished?
Who thinks like that?
- (screaming) I don't know, okay, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, okay, Meghan?
I guess I didn't think it through.
- It's like too late now, I mean, we're dying.
- No, it's not too late, Meghan, Meghan, seriously, I just,
I, I, I had a feeling that I thought was true
and clearly, clearly it wasn't true.
- I'm so confused, like are you breaking up with me
or are you not breaking up with me?
- Meghan, I'm not breaking up with you.
- Okay, cool, so what do you wanna do tonight?
Like, I wanna hang out with Amy and Brad
but maybe before that we can go to Angelo's,
and before that we can go buy some things.
- What just happened?
(eerie music)
(upbeat music)