- Everybody got their phone with 'em today?
- Interracial sex,
probably some of the best sex on the planet.
- They never look you in the eye when they say that.
- I'm gonna make you reevaluate every decision
you've ever made.
- Let me tell you something,
Las Vegas was the most evil town
I have ever been to in my life.
Seriously, any other town you go to
there's a little devil and a little angel on your shoulder
you know, giving you little good advice,
a little bad advice.
You go to Las Vegas
there's like a devil and a devil,
and they're just like battling it out the whole week.
It's like smoke some crack, get a hooker,
you're like yeah.
Yeah this is a good town,
smoke some crack and get a hooker, all right.
Oh look an ATM all right, here we go.
I lost all my money, now what do I do?
Get a gun, rob the casino.
Good idea.
Look at all the lights.
This is beautiful.
My girl enjoyed it.
I've been going out with this Puerto Rican girl.
It's my first time I've ever been
in an interracial relationship man.
I'll tell you something man it's a beautiful thing,
really is.
No seriously, it is.
Have you done that man.
Really broadens your horizons,
learn about a new person,
new group and all that.
I'll tell you something else man.
Let me tell you something, the sex, unbelievable.
I swear to god,
I'm actually willing to bet
that interracial sex
is probably some of the best sex on the planet.
You know why that is?
Because with interracial sex
there's like this whole added pressure to perform.
You know what I mean?
'Cause it's kind of like
you're not just humping for yourself,
it's like you're humping for your race.
(audience laughing)
Yeah some of you have been there, I'm telling ya.
You gotta represent your people.
You can't do a bad job,
you don't even enjoy it.
It's like oh my god I better do a good job.
It's like the sexual Olympics,
representing Ireland, Billy Burr.
How you doing?
All right, let me get stretched out here, yeah.
You can literally hear your ancestors
cheering you on in the background.
They're going come on laddy,
give it to her for Christ's sake.
Come on laddy get that pasty bum going, come on.
Let her know what that leprechauns all about,
give her that pot of gold laddy,
give her the pot of gold.
We'll get you a Guinness laddy, come on laddy.
- Now everyone, we've been married six years
so people are trying to force us to have kids.
They act like we're cheating or something.
Hey hey hey look,
you gotta have some kids all right.
Y'all playing around,
you gotta have some kids.
Let me tell you know, they all say the same thing.
Kids, they're a lot of work, but they're worth it.
They're a lot of work, but they're worth it.
But I noticed something,
they never look you in the eye when they say that.
It's always hey kids, they're a lot of work,
but they're worth it.
(audience laughing)
You gotta get a kid.
And I try to get my friends to hang out,
the ones that have kids.
They never wanna hang out with us.
You're like come on y'all let's go hang out.
Nah nah, you know we can't hang out.
You know we're gonna stay here with the kids tonight.
Yeah yeah, you know they a lot of work.
Uh huh but they're worth it.
We're gonna stay here with the kids.
Maybe next week we can go hang out or something.
What, oh, oh you're going on vacation next week?
Well isn't that nice.
That's just nice, where you going?
Where you going?
Jamaica, woo.
Yeah that's beautiful.
You know we started to go last year,
but Bobby needed braces.
Bobby smile and show them Jamaica baby, go ahead see.
We right on the beach, look at that.
You know they a lot of work, but they're worth it.
I have nephews, they love spending time with us,
they love it.
'cause we let 'em do whatever they wanna do.
They're not our kids, we don't care.
Only thing I have to do is keep you alive, that's it.
That's it, they come visit us.
Oh what, no dinner?
All right fine,
hey ice cream all day, how about that?
I don't have to cook a damn thing.
Just scoop it out, there you go.
Eat up, I don't pay your dental bills, I don't care.
I remember the first time they stayed with us,
my sister-in-law,
she calls me, it was like after midnight.
She's like did you have
a hard time getting the boys to sleep?
I'm like sleep girl?
We sitting up drinking liquor playing Nintendo.
They're not my kids.
- Everybody got their phone with 'em today?
Bring the cell phone out?
Some people love their phone don't they?
Go to a restaurant, they'll take it out of their pocket
like it's a date.
It's my phone.
Technology, that's the way we communicate.
It's changing things.
I just got dumped recently.
On email.
When we first started dating the emails were cute.
Couldn't wait to put the computer on.
Subject heading was always friendly.
Like hey baby.
Thinking of you, dot dot dot.
'Cause women, you take your time with the email.
I would open up her email,
every other word was a different color.
You get the dump email,
it's a different story.
Subject heading,
none.
I got the take care at the end.
Take care.
That's something you tell the cabbie after the fare right?
Take care buddy I'll see ya, take care.
I didn't give six weeks
of my life
for take care.
(applause)
- I think the most noble job in the world
would have to be a member of the secret service.
That's your job, take a bullet for your boss.
That's pretty intense,
especially with this president.
Like you know they're waking up in the morning
going what did he say?
I'm not going in today, nut uh, no.
I would like to think
that I possess the characteristics
to be a member of the secret service.
I'm just scared that on the application
question one is are you a coward?
And I'm like yes.
And they're like okay, you have to work at Cold Stone.
Ah well then dollar dollar tip, dollar dollar tip.
Tip tip hooray.
I can't wait to get the forearms.
Ice cream's not light.
Are you aware of Cold Stone?
Do you know that if you tip 'em they sing.
They have five different songs.
I know this because I walked in there with a wad of cash
and I made it rain.
Sing, I'm gonna make you reevaluate
every decision you've ever made.
This is the most generous jerk ever.
Tip tip hooray.
With enthusiasm (bleep) knuckle,
that's a dollar.
I want my experience.
(upbeat music)