ANYBODY HERE THINKING OF BEING A BALD GUY WITH A PONY TAIL?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ARE YOU, MADAM?
WELL, IF YOU'RE THINKING OF BEING A BALD GUY WITH A PONY
TAIL, YOU SHOULD KNOW THERE ARE SIDE EFFECTS AND THOSE SIDE
EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE HAVING TO MOVE TO SANTA FE.
BEING ASKED TO GIVE A TED TALK.
REGULARLY BUYING BEER FOR TEENAGERS.
WEARING SANDALS TO A FUNERAL.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) HAVING --
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE BLACK SANDALS.
( LAUGHTER ) HAVING A BLACK BELT IN KARATE
BUT STILL GETTING YOUR ASS KICKED EVERY FIGHT.
AND THE FINAL SIDE EFFECT OF BEING A BALD GUY WITH A PONY
TAIL IS INSISTING YOUR WIFE CALLS YOU SENSAY.
JUST KIDDING.
YOU DON'T HAVE A WIFE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND ANYBODY HERE -- THIS IS
ANYBODY HERE -- THINKING OF BEING HUGH GRANT IN A ROMANTIC
COMEDY AND TRYING TO GET A POINT ACROSS?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH?
WELL, IF YOU'RE THINKING OF BEING HUGH GRANT IN A ROMANTIC
COMEDY AND TRYING TO GET A POINT ACROSS YOU SHOULD KNOW THERE ARE
SIDE EFFECTS AND THOSE SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE, WELL, UM,
UM, YOU SEE, IT'S -- IT'S JUST THAT --
( LAUGHTER ) -- OKAY.
UH -- HOW DO I -- HOW DO I SAY THIS?
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S THE STRANGEST THING.
UH, UH, UH, UH -- BUT, BUT, BUT -- WELL -- BUT, BUT, BUT --
I, I -- I -- ( LAUGHTER )
AND THE FINAL SIDE EFFECT OF BEING HUGH GRANT IN A ROMANTIC
COMEDY AND GETTING THE POINT ACROSS IS GETTING THE GIRL
BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU SAY BECAUSE YOU'RE HUGH
GRANT AND YOU'RE CHARMING AS HELL!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ANYBODY HERE THINKING OF
DECIDING THAT FOR THE NEXT YEAR I'VE RITIME YOU WALK INTO A ROOM
YOU ARE IMMEDIATELY GOING TO YELL "PARTY BOY GOING TO HUMP
SOME RUMP" TO WHOEVER IS THERE?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IF YOU'RE THINKING OF DECIDING
THAT FOR THE NEXT YEAR EVERY TIME YOU WALK INTO A ROOM YOU'RE
GOING TO IMMEDIATELY YELL "PARTY BOY GOING TO HUMP SOME RUMP" TO
WHOEVER IS THERE YOU SHOULD KNOW THERE ARE SIDE EFFECTS WHICH MAY
INCLUDE WALKING INTO THE COURTROOM AND IMMEDIATELY LOSING
THE CUSTODY BATTLE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ANYBODY HERE -- ( LAUGHTER )
ANYBODY HERE THINKING OF TRYING TO FIND -- ANYBODY HERE --
( LAUGHTER ) ANYBODY HERE THINKING OF TRYING
TO FIND OUT WHERE THE BATHROOMS ARE AT A MIME CONVENTION?
( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU'RE THINKING OF TRYING TO
FIND OUT WHERE THE BATHROOMS ARE AT A MIME CONVENTION, YOU SHOULD
KNOW THERE ARE SIDE EFFECTS AND THOSE SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE
ASKING SOME GUY IN A BARAY WHERE THE BATHROOMS ARE, HIM
RESPONDING -- ( LAUGHTER )
-- SAYING, NO, I GET IT, YOU'RE A MIME.
VERY FUNNY.
BUT VERY SERIOUSLY, WHERE ARE THE BATH ROOMMATES?
HIM RESPONDING -- ( LAUGHTER )
SAYING, COME ON, MAN.
IT'S AN EMERGENCY, JUST WHISPER IT TO ME, I WON'T TELL ANYONE.
HIM LEANING INTO YOUR EAR AND LEANING BACK OUT AND GOING --
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GETTING FED UP AND JUST PUNCHING HIM SQUARE IN THE FACE.
AND THE FINAL SIDE EFFECT OF TRYING TO FIND OUT WHERE THE
BATHROOMS ARE IN A MIME CONVENTION IS NOT GOING TO
PRISON BECAUSE HIS COURT TESTIMONY IS JUST --