I seem to be doing that a lot.
Especially watching the news.
You ever watch the news, you just
Married man knows
exactly what I'm doing.
Happens at the end of
every argument. Right, sir?
You just stare at her going,
(audience laughing)
Now, ladies. If you
don't know what it means,
it means I've run out of words.
(audience laughing)
Are you guys married?
Are you married?
You're married?
Are you married or
are you happy, which one?
Which one?
(audience laughing)
Have you done that yet?
That—oh, many times, right?
See, here's the problem is that men,
men only can speak
5,000 words in a day, okay?
The women, they can speak
a whole bunch. They're like,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
And you've learned
to be a good husband.
You just take it and sit there going.
(audience laughing)
'Cause we need women, don't we?
We need them.
But, you can't argue with them.
Don't argue with them.
And don't add any logic
to the conversation.
Women do not want to
count your logic.
They just want you
to stand there and go, aw,
really?
(audience laughing)
Then what happened?
(audience laughing)
Then what did you do?
(audience laughing)
'Cause that's how
a woman solves a problem.
She just talks it out.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
And don't think you're
the first person she talked to,
no, no, no.
Before you got your butt home
from work, she talked to five—
four or five other girlfriends
on the phone.
Blah bah blah blah blah.
(audience laughing)
Sir, do you need a woman?
Do we need to find you a woman?
Everyone's got a woman here . . .
Move over down here down.
(audience laughing)
We argue a lot, don't we?
Don't we?
(audience laughing)
But we love you women.
We really do.
But sometimes, I don't think
we're supposed to be together,
especially in the bedroom
going to sleep.
Holy smokes.
See us men, we can just go to sleep
time to go to sleep.
(audience laughing)
But for you women,
this takes all night.
This is an event.
You actually get all
dressed up for this.
And you get that comforter
right up there, okay.
(high pitched giggling)
Time to go to sleep, go to sleep.
Go to sleep.
Oh I can't go to sleep.
(audience laughing)
Honey, you're breathing.
(audience laughing)
No you're hot, you're hot!
(audience laughing)
Oh great, now you've made me hot.
Now I've got to turn on
my air conditioner.
(audience laughing)
Amazing, you wouldn't but stick
one leg out and your whole body
will cool down.
(audience laughing)
There's scientists out there going,
"I don't understand!"
(audience laughing)
I never get tired in the day
except when I go clothes shopping
with her. Oh my goodness.
This is so exhausting.
Next time you're in
a woman's clothing store.
Watch the man
try to follow his wife.
It's like the man becomes brain dead.
He's three strides behind her going,
(robotic noises)
I would get so exhausted.
You know the first thing I would do?
I'd look for the guy chair.
Yes there's always one guy chair.
It's always next to the
women's dressing room,
where you sit
down and you get to hear about
10 women on the other side of
the wall going, "I'm so bloated."
(audience laughing)
"All these tags are wrong!"
(audience laughing)
And ladies, please don't
hand us your purse.
(audience laughing)
Watch any man
holds his wife's purse.
We all hold it exactly
the same way. We take our hand,
we go through both loops,
we go around the loops and
then we grab it by the base.
Then we hold that purse at
a 90 degree angle as if we
worked for the bomb squad.
And ladies, you know better,
don't ask to get something
out of that purse.
You know we're not going to find it.
(audience laughing)
"Honey, could you get
"a pen out of my purse?"
Oh my goodness.
(audience laughing)
(rubble)
"Oh give me that!"
(swipe)
(audience applauding)