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in the previous video I looked at how ta
conceptualizes mind games and drama for
instance Steven Cartman's drama triangle
where the players switch between the
dramatic roles of victim persecutor and
rescuer and Eric Burns games formula
where both parties can be seen as using
the other one to fulfill some need ta
writers sometimes suggest that the thing
to do when it comes to mind games is to
figure out the other person's needs and
deprive them of those needs the fact is
we can't always determine what other
people's underlying needs are if
someone's throwing a lot of insults your
way how do you determine whether they
sincerely believe the insults or whether
they know the insults aren't true and
they're just trying to provoke you
people can't even determine their own
needs sometimes because they're acting
on needs outside their own awareness I
think we can spend way too much time
trying to figure other people out when a
much more productive strategy is to try
and figure ourselves out if we can
identify what it is in ourselves that
draws us into games we don't need to
know the underlying motives of the other
person at all the needs of the game's
Target are referred to in ta as gimmicks
the word gimmick can sound like a
judgment but while some gimmicks might
be based on vanities or personal
Illusions we haven't quite got to grips
with yet gimmicks can also be based on
rules that are generally very positive
and productive within certain
populations for instance rules like
trust people work fine in a population
of reciprocators but not in a population
of parasites here's an example of a
gimmick in action in a game Eric burn
called schl a is a guest at B's party a
spills a drink on B's dress B is angry
but keeps it together a apologizes B
makes a statement of forgiveness a
continues to spill things drop things
and break things all of which he
apologizes for and all of which be makes
a show of forgiving on the social level
but what be actually feels is far from
forgiveness B knows his accidents are
totally deliberate and a even knows she
knows so if they both know the acents
are deliberate why would B go along with
this pretense because of be's gimmick B
has some need about being reasonable it
could come in many different strains it
might be the broad principle I must be
reasonable or it might be a more subtle
variation I must appear reasonable it
might be a conditional rule like I must
appear reasonable if the other person
appears reasonable one particularly
potent variation is this one I will
appear reasonable to show you I'm better
than you be is no longer merely keeping
her own behavior in check here she's now
out to prove something against a the
more damage a does the more chances b
gets to show she's Superior if we take
another look at Burn's game of why don't
you yes but mentioned in the last video
where a States some problem B offers a
string of solutions but a finds a flaw
in each one of B's ideas we can see
similar variations are possible here B
has some need about being helpful it
might be the broad principle I must be
helpful or I must appear helpful or
other such variations but something that
will really pull be in is this one I can
make you feel grateful for helping you
this is potentially a very strong hook
because it really locks into the other
person who in turn can take the
laid-back psychological stance of go on
then sometimes we can be so engulfed in
a need that we don't realize it's us
that starts the games we can think we're
responding to games when we're actually
instigating them B remarks that a looks
a little subdued a says she's feeling a
little down about something but she's
okay be with his overweening desire to
help offers a string of suggestions of
things they might do to lift a Spirits a
rejects each one after a while B thinks
ah A's just playing why don't you yes
but she just wants attention and sucker
that I am there I go trying to help her
but a hasn't been playing why don't you
yes but A's taking responsibility for
her own feelings and requires absolutely
nothing from be it's bee who started the
game with his own need for gratitude and
uses the game to collect payoff feelings
of unappreciated
martyrdom if we find ourselves playing a
particular game or games we can begin to
identify our needs with some honest
introspection what are we really after
in the game what's our imagined ideal
outcome are we seeking to gain something
are we seeking to avoid something are we
seeking to confirm some kind of status
or image what do we ultimately want to
see happen to the other player answers
to these will will give us big Clues to
our gimmick some gimmicks have a less
than obvious connection to the games
they appeal to the why don't you yes but
game is ostensibly about help but it can
work on someone who's not that bothered
about helping at all for instance
someone who feels socially ill at ease
and uses the streams of suggestions to
fend off awkward silences when we become
aware of the precise nature of our
gimmick in a particular game we have a
greater chance of unhooking from that
game once we have an idea about what our
gimmicks are we can think our way out by
questioning the floor to assumptions
they contain or we can act our way out
act against the need and so take control
of it rather than have it controlled by
others gimmicks can come in the form of
rules or imperatives like the ones
already mentioned the universal style of
these rules is a clue to the problems
they tend to set up should we always be
that particular thing if it's our goal
to hold ourselves to expectations like
this not only will we constantly
disappoint ourselves but chances are
people will eventually come along who
take advantage of these unre real istic
self-expectations and use them against
us in the games they play if we find
that messages like these are driving us
we can evaluate how realistic they are
depending on the characteristic we're
looking at we might decide to change it
in this
way or like
this sometimes we carry around ideas
like I must be reasonable not realizing
that the definition we're using for that
word is skewed if we dig a little deeper
into what we're using the word
reasonable to mean we we might find
messages like this I must not show anger
I must avoid uncomfortable scenes I've
got a nice person image I must maintain
but what does it really mean to be
reasonable if we look at the definition
of reasonable we see things like this
acting in accordance with reason having
sound judgment is it showing sound
judgment to allow someone to continue
deliberately spilling things dropping
things and breaking things while
pretending not to care I'd say not if
you know someone's doing that stuff on
purpose it's reasonable to make it clear
you know what they're doing and eject
them if you're unsure whether or not
they were doing it on purpose you might
be willing to overlook a single accident
but with continued damage it's
reasonable to ask them to pay for the
damage if they decline to pay then it's
reasonable to ask them to leave if
someone's genuinely clumsy in life
that's their own adult responsibility
and they can deal with it in a variety
of ways they can work at it and become
less clumsy or take preventative
measures to avoid accident prone
situations or they can take the
consequences of their clumsiness and pay
for damages but to expect others to just
put up with it and all the hassle and
expense it creates for them is
unreasonable so sometimes getting rid of
faulty gamey versions of Words like this
and substituting actual definitions can
block out games helpful is another word
that can be r with skewed gamey
definitions for years a has complained
to B that he's not a good friend to her
she complains when he invites her along
to places or activities she doesn't like
he should know she doesn't like them she
then complains when he doesn't invite
her to those things now she feels left
out she complains when be asks her about
things in her life she doesn't want to
talk about she later decides she does
want to talk about those things and
complains when be doesn't ask her about
them all the time reminding him that a
real friend wouldn't do these things B's
fighting a losing battle here in A's
company he's no longer the natural
authentic individual everyone else in
his life knows him to be he's now acting
out a role rather than being a person he
hopes to be the good friend it's
something he can never be because the
definition of good friend here is
telepathic be can exit the game by
Taking Back ownership of the rules
rejecting the bogus shifting
expectations imposed by a about what
makes a good friend and defining for
himself what's acceptable behavior in a
friend if we know what Behavior our
gimmicks bring out in us we can and just
choose not to behave that way if your
need for harmony leads you to keep the
peace in your family try not keeping the
peace let people sort out their own
differences after all if they don't
learn the skills to deal with each other
what will they do when you're not around
if your need for approval means you
never say no when people ask you for
favors say no to the next favor asked of
you just see what happens see how it
feels going into that new territory
observe all the things that invite you
back into the game Guilty or angry
thoughts and rationalizations that pop
into your head to justify the game may
be just this once increased provocation
from the game players to draw you back
in to meet their needs notice all of
that and still refuse to get involved
experience that disharmony that
disapproval and realize that while those
things might feel uncomfortable they're
not in fact unbearable there might even
be a sense of Liberation from Years of
Slavery to that need we don't have to
figure game plays out to extract
ourselves from timec consuming mind
games with a little introspection we can
figure out our own needs with a little
reasoning we can then question the
premises of those needs and with a
little curiosity we can see what it's
like to try something
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