This is who I am.
I should be more
of like a courageous person,
you know?
Because that's what my parents are.
My parents are very, very
courageous.
I'm a say this now.
Just so you can see it, my parents
are right here.
They're in the front.
(audience applauding)
I'm very excited.
They came here to support.
(audience cheering)
Stop clapping, though.
This is about me, not them.
This is not them, thank you.
Wow.
(audience laughing)
I want to be a tougher person.
Nothing about me is, but it's
awkward because everything
about my family upbringing
says I should be one of the most
courageous people.
My parents are some of the most
courageous people in the world.
They are Marines, OK?
They met in the Marine Corps,
so when I tell you, they are--
- Yes!
- Yes, thank you.
They're so tough.
My dad wanted me to take it up.
He's like, "it'd be so cool
"if my oldest son could join
"the military."
I was like, it would be so cool
if you adopted somebody older
than me, OK?
It's not for me, unless I can be
the horn player.
(imitating horn)
I'd do that,
but I don't want to do that.
(audience laughing)
If I was in war, I'd be the camera
guy back in World War II was
watching.
Oh, he got you good.
Yeah, yeah, uh-huh.
That was fantastic.
(audience laughing)
That's going to be me.
There's no reason I should do this.
But I should be everything about it.
My mom was the toughest of all
the Marines I've ever met.
My mom was an old school parent.
You guys know what I mean
when I say old school, right?
We're talking whoopings everybody
knows that, right?
That was my mom
on a whole other level.
She beat me like Black lives didn't
matter.
You know what I'm saying?
(audience laughing)
She would hit me.
I was like, mama, whose side
are you on, OK?
Martin didn't dream about this, so.
(audience laughing)
You got to think about it.
When you think of a movie monster,
who do you think of?
You think about Freddy Krueger,
Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers,
right?
That's not me.
The first movie monster I ever met
was my mom, OK?
But no, this is not a joke.
I remember one day,
she was downstairs.
She yells upstairs.
She goes, "Jordan, didn't I tell you
"to come downstairs and do
"these dishes?
"I suggest you do these dishes
"before you get in trouble."
I don't know what happened,
but I was young, so I snapped.
I said, shut up, mama.
I said, you ain't done nothing
all day.
I suggest you stay downstairs and do
the dishes before you get
in trouble, right?
(audience laughing)
Out of nowhere,
this is all I heard.
(deep voice)
"Who do you think you're talking to?"
(audience laughing)
As soon as I heard that voice,
all the power in my house cut off, OK?
The lights cut off.
These crows came out of my closet.
(audience laughing)
My windows opened up.
There was two white girls outside,
jumping rope and singing.
They were like,
"one, two, your mom is coming
"for you."
(audience laughing)
I don't remember the rest
of that story, honestly.
(audience laughing)
I want to be tougher,
is what I'm saying.
That's never been me.
You know what I mean?
And that's why I can't join
the military.
Now, the Marines are just--
I feel like if you're going to join
the Marines or the military,
you have to be willing to take
secrets to the grave.
And I'm not that guy, OK?
If I'm captured
and I become a prisoner of war,
I'm telling my secrets,
your secrets, and Victoria's
secrets.
I'm telling--
(audience laughing)
I'm telling them all.
Snitches get stitches!
We'll call the doctor.
OK.
He's got a lot of work
to do on me, so.
(audience laughing)
You got to be
that tough person.
You know what I'm saying?
Like if I'm strapped in a hostage
situation, this guy is trying
to threaten me.
You know, they do the knife thing.
They put it under your nails.
Get it up the fingernails, stab you,
all that stuff.
You don't have to do that with me.
This guy threatens me.
"What's it going to take to get
"the secrets from you?"
I'm like, sir, pen and paper.
Do you have that?
(audience laughing)
Give me that.
Put the knives away.
This is a celebration.
You caught the right guy, OK?
(audience laughing)
Do you want me to text it to you?
You'll keep it better.
I can email it.
I've got Google.
It's not going to be a scam.
I promise you.
Yahoo scams.
Did you know that?
(audience laughing)
That's who I am as a person.
I want to be that person.
I just can't.
That's why-- here's the thing.
We're gonna get deep for a second.
That's why one of the biggest things
that happened during quarantine
in the protest was the Black Lives
Matter movement, right?
I'm a Black person.
I wanted to be down with them
so bad.
And it was cool for me
because they were like, OK,
you could be with us.
Do whatever you can to help.
You can be on the front lines.
You can march with us.
You can donate.
Let me donate.
Can I donate?
I want to donate?
Because if I'm out there, chanting--
I'm like, Black Lives Matter.
If I'm there, right,
but my day is over,
and I go back to my car by myself,
and I get surrounded by a bunch
of white people, and they're like,
"what are you doing out here,
"Blackie?"
I'm like, trying to make America
great again, sir.
I don't know.
I was looking for you.
Where were you at?
I was trapped.
Listen, I might look-- my palms are
white.
Let's not forget.
(audience laughing)
I recorded the whole thing if you
want it for information.
I will donate whatever I can,
just not blood.
OK, I don't like needles.
That's a whole thing.
You're like, how old are you?
When was the last time you cried
over getting a shot?
When I got my Johnson & Johnson, so.
Sorry, that's too much information.