In this video, we're going to talk about how to deal with criticism. Now anytime you
do anything worthwhile in your life, it's heavy lifting. And to me this is a good
metaphor because the more you try to do that's worthwhile, the more criticism
will come to meet you. It's very important that you learn how to respond.
to it. So, let's get into the details.
Hello there friends. Hy name is Alex Lyon.
And this channel, Communication Coach is
here to help people probably like you, rising leaders. So if you want to work on
your leadership and bring out the best and all the people around you, then this
channel is for you. I believe that good leadership and communication change
lives. Today, we're talking about how to deal with criticism. And if you're
going to try to do anything, take any risk in your life, you will be criticized.
Even the best of us get criticism. Gandhi was criticized. Mother Teresa was
criticized. Jesus was criticized. So certainly you and I are not going to be
able to avoid this. the question is how do we respond when we hear criticism.
Now, the first thing I want to say about this is that I believe that criticism is
one of the most valuable ways to improve whatever we're trying to do. So I do
value criticism, but I believe we need to go through some internal checks as well
as some external responses to make sure we're handling this the right way.
Let's talk about three internal checks that you can do as you're listening to
someone give you criticism. The first thing you wanted to do is check your
mindset. In other words, as you're listening to this, are you thinking about
okay this criticism is going to help me become the best version of myself that I
can be. It's going to help me grow. It's going to help you learn. If so, then that
is a very valuable mindset to walk into a situation like this. If, however, you're
thinking that you want to essentially make the critic happy, you would rather
have them approve of you and you want to be like a people pleaser,
then criticism is not going to do it for you. If you're trying to please the
critic, then that is a loser's game. You're never going to make a 100%
of the people happy. If your mindset though is I can use this
criticism basically any criticism to help become the best version of
myself that I can be, then you're headed in the right direction.
The next internal check you want to do is the source. As you're listening, think
okay do I know this person? Do I trust this person? Do I understand this
person's motivations? And if the answer is yes to those questions, then
you're probably listening to someone who is valuable to listen to? Now of course, a
stranger, total stranger can still give you valuable feedback, but at the same
time you want to understand where they're coming from. So usually I listen
to feedback from people I know and care about me and that I trust and I
understand where they're coming from. I understand their motivations.
The third internal check I do is that I want to hear as I'm listening
the nature of the criticism. Is this criticism ultimately meant to build me
up and to help me grow? Or is the person really trying to just tear me down and
just leave me there? Obviously if they're just trying to tear you down and leave
you there, then I don't think you need to listen much. You just thank them and move on.
If, however, it's meant to help you and help you grow and build you up
ultimately, even if it might be hard at first to listen, then I really dig in and
I listen to it. And this topic about the nature of it I don't think that it's the
tone that really makes the difference. I have heard very polite people who ,
they sound really sweet and nice, say the most horrible things in this sweet
tone of voice. When I used to live in the South, people would say this phrase. they
would say, "bless your heart." And then they would say a totally insulting comment
right after and it sounds like they're being sweet, bless your heart, but
and then they would say something awful. So that's a sweet tone. At the same time,
I've had coaches like athletic coaches tell me something very directly and it
sounds blunt and harsh. But you know what? They're trying to do is help me improve.
So I try to take personality out of it. Now obviously I would rather someone be
polite and have a supportive tone, but it's really the nature of the feedback
that I'm listening to as I'm hearing criticism. Is it meant to build me up or
just meant to tear me down? so if the feedback passes those first three checks,
then I think about how I'm going to outwardly respond. Now the first thing I
do is I take a deep breath literally I just
breathe in and say okay let's listen to this person. Let's hear it out. Then what
I do is I that I'm receptive to listening. I listen carefully
instead of defensive. If you act defensive and start justifying, then it's
going to shut the conversation down in a negative way. So, I ask questions. I draw
them out. I listen for those details, show them that I'm tracking with them and ask
follow-ups. Now once I've heard their criticism--you first of all you thank
them toward the end of the conversation. And it can be a very brief conversation.
Make sure you thank them for their feedback--then I think about does this
feedback resonate with what I was already sensing? In other words, I might
know that I'm not very good at one thing or that I'm pretty good at another and
is what they're saying striking that nerve? Is it hitting home?
And if it does, then I just go get to work on it. And other times though
they'll say something that is a little surprising and that I wasn't exactly
expecting. And in that case, I will go get a second opinion.
I'll go ask somebody else that I do know and trust and I do value
their opinion. a lot of times you'll get feedback like when I wrote my book. I got
some feedback on it that a certain chapter was absolutely horrible and then
when I looked at the other reviewers' comments, the feedback was really good.
They said this is a great chapter. and so you know sometimes you have to balance
out different opinions from different people. Now ultimately, let's back out all
away. If this criticism is [going to be] helpful then it needs to align with your priorities.
And if it doesn't align with the things you really want to get better at, then
you maybe you don't really have to put much focus on it. For example, my priority
is to do great work and I'm a teacher and I like writing and making videos. One
of the priorities that I don't really care much about is professional
networking. Now I know that might be very important to you and I totally respect
it. But, I got feedback a couple of years ago need to be seen more. You need to go
to more events. You know you need to get out there and shake some hands. It's good
politically in this institution. And I totally respect that and it's true about
me, by the way. I don't really go out and shake a lot of hands and meet people and
say, hey, how you doing? Here's what I do. It's just not what I'm
into. And so I heard the feedback. It was totally accurate, but then ultimately
I said well they're right but it just doesn't align with my priorities. In fact,
if I were to list out my top 10 priorities, professional networking would
not make the top ten. So does the feedback really land in a place that's
important to me? Is it part of my high priorities? I have a question for you.
How do you recommend that people respond to your personal criticism? What are some
of the tips and approaches that you use when listening to someone give you
feedback? I'd love to hear that comment in the section below the video/ I read
those comments and I try to respond to it every single one.
So, thanks. God bless and I'll see you in the next video.
Hello again. Before we go,
I wanted to tell you about a totally free resource that I created. It's a mini
course in professional communication skills. I will put a link to it in the
description below the video as well as on the youtube homepage and my website.
It's totally free and it covers concise communication, clear communication,
listening skills, building positive relationships, and problem-solving.
I encourage you to check it out.