- Hi, everybody.
I'm Yoonj Kim with MTV News
and thank you all so much for joining me"}
for this exciting conversation\nwhere we are going"}
to redefine the concept of modern American womanhood.
Joining me are eight incredible panelists
from a variety of backgrounds.
And we are going to discuss body positivity, success,
social media, and the impact that they have
on our mental health.
Samhita, how about you?
I know you came from kind of a more traditional background
with Teen Vogue.
So what does it mean to be successful for you?
- I was working in fashion, working at 'Teen Vogue,'
and every day was a production, right?
It’s like, every day I had to, like, have an outfit
and be ready to kind of face the world.
And there was a commute and there was meetings
and there was events after and there was Fashion Week
and literally overnight, all of that stopped.
And I woke up and looked around at my clothes
and my apartment, and I was like,
"What am I even doing with this life?"
Like, I don't really need any of these things.
This last year has been very transformative for me
in terms of just reflecting on how much I had sacrificed
in self care and mental health,
in the service of getting ahead in a corporate environment.
And it changed how I felt about success
and what I really wanted for my life.
I realized that I want to eat three square meals a day,
that I want to spend time with my family.
- Did you find that you had to kind of re-evaluate
your definition of, like, financial success
versus what nourished you and what fed you personally?
'Cause sometimes those don't always align, unfortunately.
- Absolutely, and also just reflecting
on how much money just maintaining our lives
as successful women costs.
Right, and it's something that, like, people talk about,
but they don't actually - it's a woman tax, right?
Getting my hair done, my nails done, having my makeup done,
those blowouts, wardrobe, all of that,
and I think that I started spending less money on that
because I was going out less.
Where I'm spending my money has changed.
I'm in my early forties
and I didn't really have the savings that I should have
and other things, and it's really like a global pandemic
that makes you reflect on those things in your life,
on kind of really putting down roots,
having stability, looking, taking stock
of what kind of, like, rainy-day cushions you have.
- I think, like, this whole idea of having it all,
"or success, is so rooted in capitalism."}
And it's, like, so important to name, right?
Because this big, bad money machine, as appealing
and as awesome as it may look,
it's built so that we don't feel
like we're enough constantly, right?
It's rooted in this idea that we,
like we're living from a place of scarcity
instead of living from a place of abundance.
- And do you feel like society's portrayals of womanhood
has affected you and your mental health?
Especially if you identify as queer,
because I know reality is totally different
from what we're fed through the media. Amber, Jazzmyne,
I'd love to hear from you on this.
- Yeah, oh, since I was young\nnever was anything correct."}
- Yeah, oh, since I was young, never was anything correct.
And I think realizing that in my, like, twenties, honestly,
was like, "Oh wow."
Like, I haven't seen myself and could only grasp
on to, like, five characters while growing up
that I saw myself in just\nreally set with me that, like,"}
I'm not supposed to see myself, just like Kim was saying,
like, we were set up in a way that a Black woman
that's plus size is not supposed to find love.
So why was I acting like I was gonna find love?
And on top of that, I am queer.
And so that storyline wasn't even out there.
So it was just such - it's a moment of realization
but it's also something that I stand in with power
to be like, "OK, great,
but none of y'all wrote this script for me, perfect.
I don't have to adhere to (beep)."
I can do whatever I want because there's no,
you're not even thinking that I'm a real thing.
So let me go here, let me pave this path.
Let me show you that you can be this and this and that
and struggle and not, and I'm gonna still rise
to the occasion, just how I do every single day.
- How important is your appearance to your mental health?
And what do you do about it?
- I appreciate the question because I think that,
I've been, like, different sizes over the last 10 years,
and when I went into work in fashion,
talk about a place that prizes
and elevates thinness and whiteness.
I think that there's this incredible moment right now
in kind of the plus-size community
and that's happening online that is just so supportive.
And I think that 10, 15 years ago,
I was just, like, a big Brown girl
that didn't think I was desirable.
And it turned out that being a larger woman
had a really big impact on other people
that had never seen a fashion editor going to Fashion Week
and, like, demanding a size 16 or a size 18.
And fashion went from being something
that I felt would always hold me hostage
to, all of a sudden, it became this really empowering thing.
Like, the top-top echelon of the industry
changing the way it should?
No, not yet, but, like, that community in so many ways
saved my life and saved my mental health.
- I'm thinking of so many people
in the body-positive, especially in the plus-size, community
we'll be like, OK, we know the things that hit, right,
which is me sitting here crying, being like,
"OK, so today I did this thing and here's my real self."
Vulnerability, just like you said.
And then there's the other side, which is like,
let me post this swimsuit picture
that people are gonna say that I'm confident for,
but also, I'll post a swimsuit picture
and I'll lose 2,000 followers, easy, just like that.
But it'll be my most-liked photo of the month.
So it really just puts you in this position of like,
all around, who are we working for here?
And that's something that I've really, really worked on
in the past year, especially with my mental health
and social media and my body is bringing it back to me
and doing things, putting my scope on things first.
And also, not to drag this on,
but we also have to think of the algorithms
are racist, are sexist, on top of that.
So you can be like, I see my friends that are trans,
fat, Black, getting like pushed off of Instagram
and YouTube and demonetized and off of TikTok,
like, that stuff is already rooted in racism.
So we cannot continue to put so much effort into something
that literally starts with racism.
- Absolutely. There are so many reasons social media
and public perception shouldn't matter more
than our mental wellness.
That said, in the digital age, how do we create safe spaces
to protect our bodies and our mental health?
- Just wanna give a trigger warning here.
What I say might be triggering to some people.
Safety is never guaranteed, y’all.
We need to stop saying "safe spaces."
There's no such thing.
If you are a literal human,
there is no such thing as a safe space.
And I think that what we need to start saying and using
is "safer space," and we need to start saying
how we can create spaces
where we can talk about these things,
because guess what, triggers happen, harm happens,
trauma happens, it's inevitable.
It is human.
We hurt people and we are hurt.
So I think adopting language that is more of a -
“Hey, let’s figure this out together,
and it’s OK if you mess up” is so much better.
And so when I think about safety in my body,
I think about the option to (beep) up.
That's almost the point of humanity
is to continue to push ourselves emotionally
and push ourselves to grow and become better
and that also comes at a crux of pain, right, and growth.
All we can do as humans is attempt to create a safer space
for people to hold conflict in discourse.
- Totally. I think that's particularly true for women.
There are so many things we have to do to feel safe
in our bodies because our bodies
are often the subject of scrutiny,
whether we're walking in the street or posting a photo
on social media.
Ashley, I'd love to hear from you on this.
- When you talk about safety,"}
I think about the catcalling when I'm out,
people trying to hit on me
when I'm in bars and wanting to buy me drinks,
and I'm always cautious, like, what's your ulterior motive?
Like, are you trying to get me drunk?
Like, what are you trying to do here?
And that's a real thing for women.
I think we have to constantly be on guard.
We have to watch our surroundings.
We're taught to lock our doors
and to keep our headphones turned down when we're out.
And there's all these messages
of what women are supposed to do to feel safe.
And there's not any messages about
how do we tell other people not to make us feel unsafe.
And so, I think that that mentality
again goes back to this patriarchal view of the society
that we live in that has never been meant to protect women.
- I know, for example, when I was going with sexual partners
and et cetera, I would feel embarrassed
to, like, take off all my clothes because I didn't,
I felt unsexy to some people
because some people had shame toward their attraction
to my genitals.
And that was not my issue, but I took on that issue
and it made me feel uncomfortable
being naked even alone in my own house
and so I had to work on being in love with myself
and my body and complete.
So I think it's more internal work that we have to do
and getting to know our bodies
and feeling secure with ourselves
and what we want in our desires,
and not being afraid to ask for it and talk about it.
- That's such a good point, Dominique.
The internal work is really important.
So to sum it up, what does it look like
to prioritize your mental health when it comes to success,
social media, and our idea of safety?
- I think it's always all a balance, right?
And, like, listen, no matter what, whether it's your career,
your relationships, your pleasure in the bedroom,
as long as you're putting yourself first -
and I don't mean in an egotistical, self-centered
sort of way, but in a way that really honors
what you want out of life
and what's gonna make you the happiest.
- So for mental health, that means being in therapy for me
so that I can talk to someone
who is not directly involved in the scenarios
and situations that bother me,
having a non-biased opinion
and not having people in my family or my friends
take on that baggage.
And then for work, it's being authentic at work.
This is what I can do today.
This is what I cannot do today.
My emails, I do not respond on the weekends
and it took some time to get there, but I do not,
because this is my time.
I'm not being paid to work on the weekends.
So I am not responding to work emails on the weekends.
It looks like being transparent about deadlines for me
and reworking that if things change.
And in my personal life, again, it's me showing up
how I can show up.
Remembering that I can't pour out of an empty cup.
- I had to learn how to do this,"}
but I'm constantly checking in with myself
to see what I need to make sure that I am 100%
because if I'm not, I have nothing to give.
And to go with what we said at the beginning
of this whole conversation is: This last year,
what I really had to do with myself to be a better version
of myself and, like, literally not - I guess be OK mentally,
is I became less goal fulfillment-based
and more soul fulfillment-based.
We all know that being proactive about our mental health
"is the best option."}
But sometimes we don't want to be told to go outside
and go and do exercise and eat well
and write down your thoughts and feelings
and go and see a therapist.
Sometimes you do just need to have a bed day
where you are glued to your phone, watching crap on Netflix,
and eating (beep) all day.
And sometimes that's exactly what you need
and that's completely OK.
I feel like with social media
and everyone going through lockdown,
like, I do yoga every day and I bake banana bread every day.
And there's still a lot of us aren't doing that.
And we're still feeling (beep), we're feeling worse
because we know we should be doing more
for our mental health, but you know what,
you gotta do you and you have to take each day by day
and live in the present rather than fearing about the past
and obsessing about the future,
because you're living in that moment now
and that's the most important thing.
Like if it means you do (beep) all all day,
and you live in your pajamas for weeks on end, you do that.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
You are No. 1. You have to protect that.
But also it is nice to put some clothes on and try.
The best thing you can do is talk to people.
Don't be on your own.
- Absolutely. And that's why we're here.
And sadly that was our last question,
but I hope everybody got something out of this conversation
and that it helps move things forward
because as much as we have to celebrate,
there's always so much more that we can achieve.
So thank you all so much for joining.
Make sure you catch part two of the Sound On conversation
where we discuss sex, sexuality, and mental health
on MTV News's YouTube channel.