- We've all sustained
some type of injury in our lives.
Some that aren't funny,
some that are hysterical.
And I threw out the question,
what is your most embarrassing injury?
This was a private DM that I got.
I don't want this publicly noted,
but about two years ago
I woke up very early to cook
roast lamb and pork for Christmas lunch.
I went back to bed and set an alarm for 5:30 AM
to check the cooking.
I was completely naked and everyone was asleep.
So I opened the oven,
(Hull laughing) I opened the oven,
leaned in, (Hull laughing)
and my nipples touched the roast.
I burned them and they sizzled so much.
(Hull chuckling)
I had white, (Hull chuckling)
white burn marks on my nipples
for two days until they scabbed over.
Oh my God!
How did you wear a bra or a top?
I mean, that's a great way to check
if the roast is done.
Oh, oh, i t's cooked, it's cooked,
guys, it's cooked,
left nipple burnt, dinner's ready.
My ex parked my side of the car
really close to a hedge
on a weekend away a few years ago.
It was a tight squeeze,
but I managed to get out of the car.
(Hull chuckling)
Oh my God!
Then I proceeded to shut my own head in the door.
(Hull chuckling) How?
I bruised my cheekbone badly.
This was outside a bottle shop
and I hadn't even started drinking.
I knocked myself out cold,
requiring an ambulance
on a kid's play ground at primary school.
(Hull laughing)
Oh, mom's knocked herself out again.
I once had a smoke at school,
got a head rush, (Hull chuckling)
tripped over a chain fence
and almost dislocated my hip,
doing the full split.
I am in no way athletic
so this was quite the fate.
I pulled every muscle,
including my butt in my left leg.
The doctor said one more inch of the splits
and I would've needed surgery.
I once pressed the button on my umbrella,
(Hull laughing)
That is a great way to start a sentence about injuries.
I once pressed the button on my umbrella
and it shot into my face and split my lip open.
I was bleeding everywhere.
This is not really an injury
but I'm severely allergic to peanuts
and had someone go down there
after eating a picnic without me knowing.
I had to ring the ambulance,
(Hull chuckling)
I had to ring the ambulance
as I went into an anaphylactic shock
and it puffed up to the size of a small watermelon.
(Hull chuckling)
So when you're allergic to something
it doesn't matter where it touches you.
I'm just picturing the poor person being like,
"I'll show you what I can do."
And then having their entire head
just enveloped by this woman's vagina.
"Oh, what's happening?
I must be really good at this,
she's screaming so loud."
I had a funny gut at work,
so privately went to the toilet.
Times like this you don't really want
your colleagues knowing what you're doing.
The smell was a little off
but thankfully we had a new
never before used air freshener in the toilet.
I gave it a good spray, then a little more.
I didn't want my colleagues smelling my business
so I gave it like a really good spray.
I'm one of those people that does secret poos,
no one would ever know.
(Hull laughing) No one would ever know.
As I finished,
I stood up to pull my tights up
and put the lid down and flush as you do.
But because of the air freshener,
a thick layer of vanilla scented slippery film,
oh my God, was all over the floor.
(Hull squirtling)
I slipped and fell
and I whacked my head on the toilet bowl.
Oh, the poor thing. (Hull chuckling)
I knocked the toilet paper off the holder
and gave the door a big kick. (Hull laughing)
I was pretty confident at this stage.
I was still maintaining my status of secret pooper
even though I had made the most ungodly noises.
As I stepped back into the office,
(Hull chuckling) about 50 people looked at me
like meerkats peeping over their partitions.
The whole office floor heard, not just my team,
all the people in the offices
on the other side of the building,
the whole department, everyone.
I was so embarrassed.
(Hull laughing)
I had actually banged myself up pretty bad
(Hull laughing)
and ended up in emergency. (Hull laughing)
I should mention, (Hull laughing)
she went to the emergency department.
(Hull laughing)
My cousin was a radiologist
training in emergency
at a major hospital in the 70s.
A male casualty came in with a broken leg,
he was wearing tight leather pants.
It was apparent they were going to have
to cut his leather pants off to x-ray him.
He was beside himself
and refused to have his pants cut.
The medical staff patiently explained
there was no other way,
he had a bad break and they had to treat him.
Oh my God!
When they cut his pants off
they discovered, (Hull chuckling)
he had stuffed a huge, (Hull laughing)
a huge salami down his pants
to impress people at the disco.
Well, at least he had a snack while he was waiting.
When I strained my shoulder
and the chiropractor said
it was an injury that only wrestlers get,
he asked, "How did you get this?"
I had actually got stuck in a shirt
in the target change rooms.
(Hull laughing)
Is that not the most relatable thing?
Oh, I pulled shoulder out
'cause I thought I was a size medium
but I'm actually a 3XL.
But you know, I was gonna force that top on,
lockdown has not been kind.
I was in a kid's indoor play barn,
no adults were supposed to be on it.
And I got myself in a sack
and raced the kids down the slide,
not only did my fat get stuck,
but one inch from the bottom,
I tripped over and broke my ankle.
They sent an air ambulance
because of the rural location.
I have a photo of me with a blanket over my head
being taken out because was so mortified.
(Hull laughing)
She strapped it like a crazy person.
(Hull gasps)
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(Hull chuckling)
I almost hurt my knees.
(Hull applauding playfully)