Hey there, this is Clay with www.ModernLove.Life and this is the relationship inner game experience.
Now in this week's episode, I want to talk about how to get out of the friend zone.
Now going to be talking about the friend zone here, and it's a very complicated topic because
there's a lot of different sorts of situations that you might end up in, but I want you to
understand underneath all of this fundamentally you need to understand that that once somebody
is attracted to you, then they're pretty much always going to be attracted to you and when
somebody is not attracted to you, they're probably pretty much going to always not be
attracted to you.
Okay?
Barring any sort of massive physical transformation or any sort of massive emotional transformation
or something like that, they're pretty much going to be static.
Okay?
So if you have a been, completely honest, completely forthright, completely transparent,
completely open, just been completely yourself.
No mind games, no trying to pretend to be an Alpha male if you're not, or pretend to
play, hard to get.
If you're not hard to get or something like that.
If you're just been completely straightforward and somebody is not actually attracted to
you, then there's pretty much nothing that you can do.
Okay?
I've seen a lot of people get hung up on individual guys or girls that just aren't into them and
they spend months or years even longing for this person hoping that they somehow changed
their mind or something like that without understanding that that person just fundamentally
is not attracted to them and that's nothing against you.
It's nothing against them.
It's just that not everybody is going to be attracted to you.
No matter what you do.
Not Everybody's going to be attracted to you.
If you're a guy, there's nothing that you can do that's going to get every woman attracted
to you, and if you're a woman, there's nothing that you can do that's going to get every
guy attracted to you, and if somebody just fundamentally is not attracted to you, then
again, there's nothing you can do because they've already decided that they're not attracted
to you and you just really can't do anything about it.
Right?
And even if you could, you'd have to be somebody that you're not.
You'd have to put on some sort of act, put on some sort of facade a, put a ton of energy
into convincing them that you are someone other than who you actually are, which is
going to be very mentally and energetically draining of you, and eventually, even if it
does work in the two who ended up together, you're going to eventually reach a point where
you just kinda relax.
Let your guard down and show who your true colors are to them.
Show your true colors to them, and if they get this sort of bait and switch thing going
on where they thought that you are one way and it turns out you're another way, then
they're going to be very disappointed, very frustrated, very angry, very upset with you,
and they are going to leave you.
Okay?
So don't try to make somebody like you by being unauthentic, by being someone other
than who you genuinely are.
With all of this being said, if somebody is not attracted to you, there are a couple of
things that could be going on that you could do if you wanted to still get something going
on between them.
Okay?
First of all, if you were in a relationship with that person before, if that person was
attracted to you previously, but you know, then the two of you broke up or something
came in the way or something like that and they're suddenly saying, yeah, I'm not attracted
to you anymore.
That's not the same thing.
Right?
Again, assuming you haven't gone through some sort of big physical change or big personality
change or something like that, right?
If you're still more or less the same person, then they are still attracted to you.
It's just that the mental baggage and the history between the two of you and what happened
or what didn't happen is what's standing in the way and all you have to do is just kind
of clear out that baggage cleared out that history and the attraction that's already
there.
We'll come back and pull the two of you closer together.
The attraction never went away, it's just that they can't feel it because of the history,
because of the baggage.
Okay?
That's scenario number one.
Now, the second scenario is if somebody is not attracted to you and you're attracted
to them and you just never have been completely honest and forthright with them, you know,
you've been inauthentic with them.
You have been, uh, you know, maybe playing the Nice Guy Card.
If you're a guy or something like that, which women generally don't find very attractive,
we can talk about that some other time, but if you've been doing that the whole time,
hoping that just being nice and pleasing and agreeable around her is going to get her to
find you attractive and want to date you.
But that's really not who you are.
Then being more genuine, being who you really are, expressing yourself fully and not putting
on this act around her could show her who you actually are and could actually cause
her to become attracted to you.
So that's one thing that you could do is remove that inauthenticity.
And same thing with you women, right?
If you have been just really nice and accommodating and all of that with a guy hoping that, you
know, if you just nod your head and say yes the whole time, he'll eventually think that
you're attractive and want to go out on a date with you and, that's not who you really
are and you've just been too afraid to speak up too, afraid to voice how you actually feel
or whatever, and you actually start doing that.
He might actually start to see who you really are.
He would find that attractive and that can actually break that whole friend zone thing.
So the whole friend zone thing, it can really only be broken if the two of you were in a
relationship previously and the attraction between the two of you never went away because
it was just blocked by, you know, baggage, negative feelings, something like that.
Or if the only reason that they're not attracted to is because you are never fully authentic.
Never really straight with them.
Never really open and forthright with your personality, with how you want to live your
life, what your values are with what your thoughts are, what your opinions are with
fully expressing yourself.
And if that's the case, then doing all of those things can actually show them who you
really are and by actually showing them who you really are, instead of performing for
them, essentially performing for them, hoping that if you, uh, you know, a really nice,
I'm really happy to tell a good joke or something like that, that they'll really like you, you
know, that's fine if that's who you are, but if that's just an act that you're putting
on, hoping that they'll like you and you just suddenly start to become more genuine and
authentic, they can actually see who you really are.
And if they actually see who you really are, it might actually like that because maybe
you've just never given them a chance to actually like who you really are.
So I hope that helps you understand the friend zone.
And I hope that maybe helped some people out there realize that you can't get out of the
friend zone by putting on an act by hoping that you, you, I don't know, play pretend
to be an Alpha male if you're not, or pretend to play, hard to get if you're not or play
mind games or something like that.
That's not gonna work.
If somebody is not attracted to you, they're just not attracted to you.
And the best thing that you can do is to be 100 percent forthright, open, honest, and
real with them so they can actually figure out if they're attracted to you.
Obviously, if you're inauthentic, obviously if you're putting on an act, if you're performing
for them, they're not going to be attracted to that because it's inauthentic and people
don't like that.
People aren't fundamentally attracted to inauthentic people.
Okay?
So with that being said, let's get into this week's questions from the students that are
enrolled in our courses.
Okay.
This week we have a question from Vixen.
Vixen writes in and says, is it all right to contact an ex when they haven't been talking
to you about some significant life changes and your life?
We kind of agreed to be friends and a family member of mine is really sick and I don't
know if I should tell him or not.
He hasn't been answering me for awhile now and I sent a text asking about being friends,
which you didn't respond to.
I'm seeing him, but I have seen him already probably by the time that this is posted.
Thanks Vixen.
Okay.
Vixen.
So first of all, the way that you're opening up this question is, is it all right to contact
an ex?
This has me concerned because it seems as if you're asking for permission in order to
do something.
When I mean as if there's like some sort of laws like it's illegal to do this or it's
illegal to do that or it's legal to do this or whatever and it's not that way at all.
I mean, you can do whatever you want.
You can contact and if you want to, you can not contact him.
If you want to, it's just there's gonna be consequences for these sorts of things.
Right?
So just keep that in mind is that you don't have to ask for permission to do anything.
You can, you can just do whatever you want to as long as you're okay with the consequences.
If you're not okay with the consequences, then maybe you need to rethink some things,
but it's not as if I'm some sort of judge that says you cannot contact your ex because
of this reason, or you, you must contact your ex because of that reason.
It no, it's, it's ultimately up to you.
It's entirely up to you.
And I'm just here to offer you my opinion.
But ultimately your actions are yours to choose or not to choose and they're not mind to control
for you.
Okay?
So just keep that in mind.
Beyond that, you say that you have kind of agreed to be friends and a family member of
yours is very sick and you don't know if you should tell him or not.
So there are a couple different things to keep in mind here.
So first of all, I would consider letting him know if he was close to or attached to
this family member if this family member doesn't really mean anything to him, then, I, I doubt
that telling him would really evoke some sort of like major response on his part.
You know, it'd be like saying, Hey, by the way, my distant long lost uncle is sick or
something like that.
You know, that that may or may not mean anything to him.
I don't know if it's having a big impact on you and the two of you did agree to be friends.
Then, you know, that's, that's something that you could go ahead and, and talk to them about
because it is having an effect on you.
And the two of you did agree to be friends, right?
So, so that's definitely something that you could share.
You could say something along the lines of, Hey, I just wanted to let you know that my
aunt so and so is sick right now.
And it's, it's, I'm having a really hard time about it or you know, just give them some
kind of update about what's going on.
Right.
So you can absolutely do that.
Or You said that he has not been answering you for a while now and you've sent him a
text asking to be friends that you didn't respond to you.
Okay.
So if he's not been responding to you for a while, um, you know, don't, don't get into
the trap of, of looking at the future and saying that the future is going to be just
like the past, that just because, you know, he hasn't responded in the past that he's
not going to respond in the future.
Right.
what you, what you do want to pay attention to is the quality of the dynamic between the
two of you, right?
Because if you continue to, for example, you know, oftentimes people will do this thing
that I just called Robo texting where they kind switched their brain off and they'll
just send a text message like robotically once a week that's like, hey, how are you?
What is new?
How is everything going with the thing you're working on and, and, and you know, they just
kind of send it without even thinking like every, I don't know, Thursday or whatever,
and that can be difficult for the emotional connection because it's decreasing the overall
quality of the emotional connection, right?
Because a, it's going unanswered, it's coming across as if you're way over invested than
they are, which is causing the social skills to sort of tilt and it's causing you to seem
extremely over invested for them to seem very uninvested.
And when that happens it kind of makes people feel weird and so they want to pull away even
harder.
Okay.
So just be aware of that happening.
But another thing that you mentioned here is that you did text him about being friends,
which you did not respond to.
So I don't know exactly what this means.
I don't know what it means to a text.
Someone about being friends, you know, did you say something along the lines of, Hey,
I just wanted to let you know that, I hope that we can maintain a friendship moving forward
from here after this breakup.
I really valuable a blah or if you're, I don't know, trying to say something like, Hey, let's
be friends or hey, I just thought that it would be a good idea to get the record straight
and say that we're friends and I'm like, I don't know exactly what you sent to him or
the context of it or what you were asking you say that he didn't respond to it, which
makes me think that you are asking him something because, you know, sometimes if you just text
something to somebody and there's no question involved, there's a not a request for them
to respond.
Sometimes they may not respond because they don't think that, you know, they need to,
like if somebody is just texting you an article to read about some news thing or if somebody
is just texting you some sort of update or something like that.
But, there's no like actual request for like, Hey, what do you think about this?
Or hey, I hope you're doing well because of this thing that happened.
Please tell me how it went or something like that.
Right?
Sometimes people don't believe that they need to respond if there's no actual request for
a response from them.
So definitely keep that in mind when it comes to all of this.
Overall though, just just looking at this, I want you to know that it is okay to text
your ex anything that you want to text them.
I'm not saying this as some sort of like all knowing guru or anything like that.
I'm just saying this from one human being that has freewill to another human being has
free will, that you have the power to do whatever you want to do and you can go ahead and do
whatever you want to do as long as you are okay with the consequences of doing that.
Right?
So if you are, for example, approaching this family member that is sick as like, okay,
this is great, this is going to be my end, this is going to be what's going to finally
get him to respond to me, and it's like an ulterior motive, then that is going to come
through in the energy behind whatever message you send to him, and he is going to somehow
suspect that something is wrong about it and it's going to cause him to pull away, just,
just be aware of that.
But if this is like a genuine sharing of like, hey, this is something that's going on in
my life, it's really bothering me and like, you're somebody that I believe that I can
turn to for comfort, then, you know, that's another thing entirely.
So, so just keep that in mind.
Okay.
so Vixen, I hope this has helped you out and you know, if you want to share that you sent
this to him or if you told him about this when you saw him in person, please go ahead
and do that next week.
And we can talk about, what happened with that and how it went and you know, by all
means, please feel free to give us a little bit more detail about like what you texted
him or some of the details about things like that because oftentimes these vague things
which just like, I sent a text message but nobody responded, you know, it's like, well,
okay, well if you send a text message and it, there was no response to it, you know,
is it because you didn't ask for a response is because maybe you phrased it in, in a way
that made the other person not want to respond.
You know, like if you.
I mean this is obviously an extreme example, but if you phrase it like, Hey, you jerk,
I just wanted you to know that Dah, Dah, Dah.
Then you know, yeah, somebody might not respond to that one because you called them a jerk.
Right?
Or is there maybe something else that's going on?
Because like we talk about when it comes to relationships and dating is that everything
is really about the emotional context behind all of that.
So the emotional context is the most important thing to focus on and if you're not paying
attention to the emotional context, that is to say where they are emotionally, where you
are emotionally, and how those two emotional states are interacting with one another into
a dynamic.
If you're not paying attention to that and you're focused on things that like don't matter,
like okay, there are some arbitrary set of rules like you can text your ex if this happens,
you are not allowed to text your ex.
If this happens, this is legal, this is illegal, or something like that.
Then that is a substitute for actually thinking and I don't want you to have a substitute
for actually thinking.
I want you to actually think about things.
I want you to actually be present in the moment.
I want you to feel into the moment.
I want you to be aware of your emotional state of the other person's emotional state and
actually be able to create a dynamic between the two of you that is empowering, that is
uplifting.
There's rewarding that is rich, that is fulfilling for both of you.
Okay?
So with that being said, if you want to share more details, then you're of course welcome
to do that next week.
Okay.
Those have been our questions this week.
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Anyway, this has been Clay with www.ModernLove.Life and I hope this has helped you improve your
relationship inner game.