I was afraid to come back to Utah.
Last time I was here,
I got pulled over by a cop
and I got a ticket just for
driving behind a funeral,
procession with my windows down
and highway to hell,
cranked up on my stereo.
(audience laughing)
Is that harassment or what?
I didn't know where
they were going.
(audience laughing)
It was a little suspicious
where we ran all those red lights.
Hello, hey, they must know
somebody. Whoooo . . .
I guess it's not who you know,
but who you knew.
(audience laughing)
Actually, it's not what you know,
you know, actually,
it's not true 'cause
that's what a lot of people say,
but it's not true.
It's, you know, it's not what
you know, but who you know,
but that's not true,
'cause I asked, you know who,
if he know you know what,
and he didn't know Jack.
(audience laughing)
He starts asking me questions
about this, about that.
I'm like, what are you? A dumb butt?
He goes, "Yeah.
"You're a smart book."
I go, yeah.
It turns out we were related.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, his dad and my dad
are brother and sister.
(audience laughing)
Okay. They were brothers,
but his dad wore women's clothes.
(audience laughing)
He was a transparent.
(audience laughing)
We pretended like we didn't know,
but everybody could
see right through him.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
I feel good. I got my—
I got my lucky underwear on.
Last time I had this pair on,
I was in Vegas.
I was on the slot machine for,
like, five minutes when, boom,
$10,000 jackpot
(audience cheers)
was won by the lady
standing right next to me.
(audience laughing)
You weren't there. I was like.
(smooch)
I was so excited. You know,
I was, like, more than willing,
you know to share.
(audience laughing)
But, she was greedy, greedy—
didn't want to share a penny.
You know.
It was my underwear.
(audience laughing)
So I just karate-chopped her
and took it all.
(audience laughing)
You know, you see him do it
on TV all the time,
little karate chop to the
back of the neck, you know?
And they fall unconscious, you know?
And I always thought,
I wonder if that really works.
It does.
(audience laughing)
Especially if they're like 80,
(audience laughing)
What did you do that for?
Of course, you got to make sure and
hit them hard the first time.
(audience laughing)
Otherwise, you got to listen
to them complain before you get
to the second chop.
(audience laughing)
Are you stupid?
What is wrong with—ahahah
(audience laughing)
I'm kidding.
I would never hit anybody,
on purpose.
I accidentally hit this lady
in my aerobics class.
(kick)
I'm sorry. Are you okay?
I thought it was aerobics.
It was lamaze class.
(audience laughing)
Went in the wrong room.
Peaked my head in the window.
I thought I can keep up with
a bunch of beer-bellied women.
(audience laughing)
What? Am I not doing it right?