Have you ever wondered what is this world's most pervasive
evil?
I have.
Like me, you might wonder if it's
bigotry or human trafficking, substance abuse, or the forced
displacement of human beings.
And indeed, those are very, very dark challenges.
But you put all of them together, and what do we find?
Hopelessness.
I am increasingly convinced that the growing, pervasive evil
in this world is hopelessness, the collective loss of hope,
the growing cloud of despair.
It's what the adversary delightfully
heaps on top of your slimy sundae of addiction, abuse,
sin, trauma, loss, or grief.
Hopelessness makes you feel abandoned
and alone, powerless and pointless,
forgotten, condemned, unmoored, or it
makes you feel nothing at all.
So how do we ignite hope?
What is the cure for hopelessness?
I believe the answer is connection.
Connection is the antidote to hopelessness.
Now, connection has to do with those deep bonds
that join us and provide life richness and meaning.
Connection is both roots and wings,
reciprocity, shared identity.
This kind of connection is not fleeting;
it's not superficial, not counterfeit.
This life-affirming, soul-saving type of connection
has three distinct attributes.
It's real, it's meaningful, and it lasts.
And I mean real, meaningful, and lasting connection
in four very specific ways: connection with Deity,
connection with your true self, connection with your family,
and connection with your community.
Humans begin to seek connection from the moment we enter
this world, and we never stop.
I've learned that even in the times of deepest distress,
connection is this lifeline that helps navigate grief
and even learn to thrive.
You see, no one wants to choose a casket for their own child.
But there we were, in a showroom of caskets.
Wood or metallic?
What color for the lining?
What kind of handles?
And who would lift those handles and carry the broken body
of my vivacious, intelligent, beautiful, 21-year-old
Doritos-loving daughter?
I stood there paralyzed, questions racing, no answers.
My brain could not comprehend my reality.
Alyssa's last voicemail, the Young Women's quilt
she was wrapped in, her endless array of purses.
And no one wants to plan their child's funeral.
I mechanically willed myself to start
while my angel husband cleaned out
Alyssa's cyclonic apartment and my best friend washed
10 loads of Alyssa's clothing.
The girl loved to shop.
And then I robotically bought suits
for my sons, dressed in my red jacket,
and drove to the mortuary.
No one wants to open their child's casket
for the last time.
You try to memorize everything.
But your brain is screaming, "You
don't want this memory at all."
We didn't want to speak at our child's funeral
or design our child's headstone, but there we
were, honoring our Alyssa, honoring our God,
clinging to our faith.
I did not want to awaken each day, each blurry, blurry day
after my child's funeral, and remind myself
that it was actually all real.
And hopelessness began to set in.
One memorable night, I sensed a distinct, cold, predatory
darkness, intent on exploiting our grief,
destroying peace, decimating hope.
I pled with God.
"I know you have watched your own children suffer and die.
So I need you.
I need you to tell me how.
How do I navigate this debilitating darkness of grief?
How do I do this?"
Gradually, the Holy Spirit whispered principles
to my heart one by one: "First, seek light.
Do something every day to bring light into your life.
Second, be gentle with yourself.
This is a new normal.
Third, watch for symbols; they'll bring comfort.
And fourth, serve others, for they are grieving too."
And I learned these weren't just principles to survive or endure
grief; they were given to help me thrive
by the One who loves me best.
And they were all about connection--connection with
myself, with God, with my daughter, and with others.
Now, other people may be given different principles,
but these particular principles made all the difference for me.
And incrementally, I was strengthened and peace came.
And slowly the ground stopped shifting and shaking
so my feet felt sure enough to take the next step.
Now, I believe the first principle
was provided by the Spirit first because it's for a reason.
It's connection 101: seek light.
It means going to the truest source of light.
I wanted to know God, I needed to know God.
And I needed to see myself and others through my Heavenly
Parents' eyes.
I wanted to know my Savior Jesus Christ
and feel His grace so I could heal.
I learned that sometimes seeking light means
prayer or a sacred text or a sacred space, contemplation
or meditation, seeing with spiritual eyes
and hearing with spiritual ears.
And sometimes seeking light means
being with specific radiant people or being
in radiant natural places or being bathed in music
that radiates in my soul.
And yes, even sometimes a little Aretha.
The second principle I learned is connection
with my truest, eternal self.
The specific words were, "Be gentle with yourself."
God speaks to me as my very best friend would speak to me.
And He told me I was standing at the edge of a new frontier,
and I was experiencing a major transformation, a new normal,
and to be as patient with myself as I would
with a child learning to walk.
Now, death makes you question everything--your identity,
your existence, your path.
So I gave myself space and time to explore life's questions.
And with time, I am finding myself
more settled and focused.
Now, the third guiding principle I received
was about watching for symbols, and this principle
helped me learn how my daughter and I connect through the veil.
Parenting doesn't end at any milestone, including death.
Alyssa is nearby often, and we pray for her daily.
The scriptures teach us that angels communicate
much like the Holy Ghost, and I have a new understanding
of what that means.
And these are some of my most holy and treasured experiences.
And when I'm really paying attention,
I find God provides sacred symbols
in the places I least expect.
Sometimes it's a song or a flower or an image,
but they are always accompanied by this impression
of the divine and an impression of my daughter's love.
Now, to be honest, part of me really
wrestled with the fourth guiding principle for some time:
serve others.
You know, no one is immune to loss.
Grief is both universal and yet so very personal.
I could barely shoulder my own sorrow
and do my best to help my husband and children.
And I feared that the very idea of helping anyone else
might just crush me.
So this fourth principle has been a journey for me.
I have a treasured friend who says,
"It's at our broken edges that we bond."
We can just be with one another in our grief.
We can just sit, hold a hand, embrace in silence,
and allow the Spirit to convey love.
Let them talk.
Assure them they are never alone.
Whether the angels are on this side of the veil or the other,
our God will not leave us comfortless.
His promised Savior provides peace beyond understanding.
Now, I believe we made connections
before this world began, and our connections
are the one thing we take with us when we depart mortality.
Our brains are wired for it.
It's one of our greatest human needs
and essential for our growth.
And aside from my own experiences,
there's a growing body of social science research
on the power of connection.
Whether it's our declining life span, civic discord,
partisan tribalism, political polarity, epidemic loneliness,
substance abuse, self-harm, suicidality, anxiety,
depression, addiction, the education gap, the wage gap,
the gender gap, the achievement gap, study
after study after study tells us the antidote is connection.
So, put simply, connection restores hope.
In fact, more than 150 studies conclude
that connection strengthens our immune system
and lengthens our lives.
People with a profound sense of spiritual connection
are more gracious and compassionate,
and they flourish and savor life.
Children who are more connected to family
learn higher-order skills that better
equip them to face the challenges of our world.
And volunteers known as cuddlers in the NICU, they
reduce infant stress and pain and promote brain development
and healing with this simple human connection.
And even rats go from almost 100 percent chemical
overdose when they're isolated, to 0 percent overdose when
they have connected lives.
So connection.
Call it cuddling; call it relationship or being in tune,
in touch, or aligned, or belonging, knowing, loving.
At its core, it's all connection.
So let me add one more.
People who experience trauma and then seek connection
demonstrate greater grit and resilience.
Let me repeat that: people who experience trauma
and then seek greater connection demonstrate
greater grit and resilience.
It's trauma when a beloved person dies,
and trauma results in grief.
And grief doesn't have some magic cutoff date.
But we can be resilient in grief,
and we can still move forward with grief.
We can still find meaning and purpose and hope with grief.
And the way is connection.
Now, what cuts us off from real, meaningful,
and lasting connection?
Fear and shame.
And whose plan is that?
It's not God's plan.
And it's not God's way.
A leader in my Church who devotes her life to solving
some of the world's most challenging problems,
Sharon Eubank, said: "If you feel that the beacon
of your [faith] is sputtering and darkness is closing
in, take courage. ...
Turn to Jesus Christ, who loves you still."
Jesus said, "I am the light [that]
shineth in [the] darkness, and the darkness
comprehendeth it not."
That means no matter how hard the darkness tries,
that darkness cannot put out that light ever.
You can trust that His light will be there for you.
Now, I'm not the same person I was before that rainy autumn
day, September 23, 2012.
Grief has changed me.
But because I sought connection, I
think grief has changed me for the better.
My arms still ache to hold my Alyssa Nicole.
But in exchange for these ashes of sorrow and loss and grief,
the Savior has kept His promise and granted beauty
because I sought connection.
Because I sought connection, I understand the refiner's fire
in ways I couldn't possibly understand before.
Because I sought connection, I trust
God in ways I couldn't even fathom before.
I'm connected in ways I never was before with Deity,
with myself, with my family, and with my global community,
my fellow travelers.
And more than ever, I am not hopeless.
I am here to tell you that because of connection,
more than ever, I am hope filled.
I am not abandoned.
I have never been alone.
I have power, moored through covenant
to the King of all kings and my Parents in Heaven.
And in this life, that is roots and wings, isn't it?
That is true identity, and that is the ultimate connection.
Thank you.
[APPLAUSE]