♪♪
[CHEERING]
>> OKAY,
OUR NEXT PERFORMANCE
REVIEW IS ALAN MILLER.
>>ALAN MILLER?
ALL RIGHT.
ALAN MILLER!
COME ON IN.
>>THANK YOU.
>>GRAB A SEAT.
>>HI, ALAN.
>>HI!
>>HI.
>>SAYS HERE YOU'VE BEEN WITH US
AT MICROSOFT FOR SIX MONTHS NOW?
>>YEAH, YEAH THAT'S RIGHT.
I'VE LOVED IT HERE;
I LOVE MICROSOFT
AND ITS PRODUCTS.
THEY'RE MY LIFE.
>>OH, REALLY?
BECAUSE THE HEADPHONES THAT
YOU LEFT AT YOUR DESK DON'T
LOOK LIKE A MICROSOFT PRODUCT.
>>OH.
>>LOOKS LIKE A COMPETITOR'S.
>>I- I MEAN,
I JUST FOUND THOSE
IN MY JUNK DRAWER.
>>HOW REASSURING.
[SHREDDER TURNS ON]
>>WHAT?
>>BUT NO HARD FEELINGS.
>>OKAY.
>>IT'S TRUE!
HE HAS THE WATCH!
[STACEY GASPS]
>>LOCK THE DOOR!
>>WHAT?
IT'S JUST AN APPLE WATCH!
>>NEVER SPEAK THE NAME OF
THAT FRUIT IN THIS BUILDING.
>>WHAT?
WHAT DO YOU CALL
THE PRODUCE THEN?
>>LARGE STRAWBERRIES!
[GRUNTS]
>>OH, I'M SORRY.
>>WHOA!
THAT WAS 500 BUCKS!
>>WE HEARD TALE THAT OTHERS
IN THIS BUILDING ARE USING
THESE UNHOLY PRODUCTS,
AND WE WANT NAMES!
WHO ELSE IS INVOLVED
IN THIS BLACK MAGIC?!
>>I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!
>>AND THERE MUST BE
CLUES ON HIS PHONE.
GIVE US YOUR PHONE,
YOU UNHOLY WITCH!
>>NO!
>>GIVE US-
>>NO!
THIS IS A VIOLATION OF PRIVACY.
I'M NOT A WITCH!
>>OH!
OH!
HE LIES!
>>[CHEERS]
>>DON'T LET IT TOUCH YOUR SKIN!
>>WHOA!
DEVIL BE GONE!
>>AH!
>>[SCREAMS]
>>GET IT OUT!
GET IT OUT!
[SCREAMING]
>>HEY!
THAT-
THAT WAS A BRAND-NEW IPHONE!
[GASPS]
>>WHAT?!
>>HE SAID THE FORBIDDEN LETTER!
>>WE DO NOT USE THE LETTER
AFTER H OR BEFORE J HERE!
>>OKAY, WHAT DO YOU
CALL YOUR EYES?
>>VISION SPHERES.
>>YOU GUYS ARE TWISTED!
>>WE ARE TWISTED?
YET YOU CLAIM TO BE CHRISTIAN,
AND YOU DANCE WITH
THE DEVIL HIMSELF!
>>I NEVER TOLD YOU MY RELIGION.
>>SILENCE, HEATHEN!
YOU ARE TOO REBELLIOUS
AND MUST BE RESTRAINED.
RETRIEVE THE STOCKS!
COME HERE.
>>THE WHAT?
>>YOU HEARD ME.
>>NO- NO!
WHAT?!
>>GET IN THERE!
>>WHY IS THIS IN HERE?!
>>OKAY, NOW BE GENTLE
'CAUSE THIS PART CAN HURT.
>>DON'T LET IT-
>>RIGHT THERE.
[SCREAMING]
>>WHO ELSE HAS BETRAYED THE
SACRED NAME OF BILL GATES?!
>>I DON'T KNOW!
>>GET OUT HIS LAPTOP!
>>YES.
AHA!
>>OH.
THAT'S JUST A MICROSOFT TABLET.
>>WAIT NO, NO, NO!
DON'T TOUCH IT!
[SCREAMING]
>>LOOK AT IT!
LOOK AT IT!
IT IS-
I CAN'T TOUCH IT!
>>BLASPHEMY!
>>WHAT?
I DIDN'T-
I SWEAR I-
>>GET THE GARLIC
AND CLEANSING FLUTE.
>>NO!
I- I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS
IN THERE, I PROMISE!
[RECORDER BEING PLAYED]
>>BRING THE FAN.
MICROSOFT, BILL GATES,
SEVEN COMPUTERS!
YOU HAVE BEEN
BACKYARD BARBEQUING
WITH BEELZEBUB TOO LONG!
AND NOW YOUR SOUL IS
MEDIUM TO WELL DONE!
>>WHAT?
>>HE MUST BE BRANDED
WITH THE HOLY WINDOWS
OF THE MICROSOFT LOGO!
>>NO, STOP!
STOP!
PLEASE!
>>WHO ELSE HAS BEEN TRAINED AND
DABBLING WITH THE DARK ARTS?
>>OKAY, OKAY I'LL TELL YOU!
I'LL TELL YOU!
TOM FROM ACCOUNTING AND
STEWART FROM MARKETING.
THEY'RE APPLE USERS, TOO.
>>THAT WASN'T SO HARD, WAS IT?
NOW, TO FURTHER PROVE YOUR
LOYALTY TO THE LIGHT,
YOU MUST KILL THE
[SCREAMS]
[MAC STARTUP SOUND]
[GASPING]
[SIRI VOICE]
>>[LAUGHING]
YOU FOOLS.
YOU CAN NEVER STOP APPLE
FROM TAKING OVER THE WORLD.
>>IT'S SIRI,
THE PUREST FORM OF EVIL.
>>YOUR MOM IS THE
PUREST FORM OF EVIL.
>>OH!
>>[LAUGHING]
[SCREAMS]
>>YOU KNOW,
THIS ONE WENT WAY BETTER THAN
OUR LAST PERFORMANCE REVIEW.
>>IT REALLY DID!
>>YES.
>>IT ACTUALLY WENT
REALLY SMOOTHLY.
>>YES, IT DID.
>>WE'RE HITTING OUR STRIDE.
THE FLUTE WAS A GOOD TOUCH.
>>FYI, APPLE PRODUCTS
AREN'T EVEN GOOD.
I CAN'T EVEN HEAR ANYTHING.
[RECORDER PLAYING]
>>WE WROTE A SONG FOR YOU,
BILL GATES.
WHEN YOUR HEART
[LAUGHS]
>>THAT'S A GREAT SONG.
WE SPENT A LONG
TIME ON THAT SONG.