♪ Zack Morris Is Trash ♪
(Bell Ringing)
- It's the annual Bayside sweetheart dance!
Slater's giving his heart to Kelly,
when Zack rudely interrupts to help this woman
make up her mind.
Slater says Zack probably can't even go
because he's in trouble for vandalizing the pool
and using a teacher's toupee as an eraser.
And Belding's meeting tomorrow with his mom
to talk about how disappointed she must be
in her failure of a son.
Lisa and Kelly are loving the new tape from Bo Revere.
Mr. Belding says he prefers the sounds
of The Beach Boys.
Zack says he loves the Beach Boys in a pathetic
and unsuccessful attempt to suck up
to avoid tomorrow's meeting.
Ms. Wentworth is receiving various gifts
from kind students and also Zack.
She says they'll be learning about subliminal ads
with hidden messages.
Movie theaters used them to trick patrons
into buying snacks.
Zack says that would never work on his feeble mind.
Except it would.
Because it did.
Yesterday Ms. Wentworth played a tape for the class
with a concealed vocal track instructing them
to bring her all these goodies.
She warned subliminal advertising is unpredictable
and should be used with extreme caution,
words Zack ignores with no delay.
He wants to give Belding a Beach Boys tape
with hidden messages to get out
of that meeting with his mom.
Screech rightfully questions Zack's proposal,
so Zack calls him an idiot and punches him.
He records a tape saying...
- Zack Morris is a good kid.
- Lies.
- Zack Morris is a great student.
- More lies.
- Zack Morris is a fine human being.
- The most lies.
- Zack Morris is the son I never had.
- The truth, thank god.
Zack gifts Belding his surf rock propaganda
and says it's a new enhanced recording.
Belding says thanks but he's still in trouble.
Kelly accepts the invite of a suitor
who isn't a juvenile delinquent.
Belding is bumping Zack's brainwash tape
when he walks in for his mom meeting,
minus his mom, because he told her not to come.
Belding doesn't care because Zack Morris is a good kid!
And, despite his vandalism, a fine human being!
And, despite his failing grades, a great student!
Then Belding says he's the son he never had
and gives him some of his hard-earned salary
to have fun at the dance.
Zack gets a great idea
to use this wildly immoral machination on girls.
Zack begins playing brain surgeon
by having Screech distribute tapes to nerds
so they can get their dream girls.
It works like a charm and three young ladies
are helplessly duped into romantic relationships,
and probably their first sexual experiences,
against their will.
Then Zack sends Screech to the female locker room
in disguise under the alias Barbara Bush.
Screech swaps their Bo Revere tapes and is once again
forced to hide in a locker for one of Zack's schemes.
Kelly tells Zack she does not want to go
to the dance with Slater.
Then begs Zack to take her.
Then callously rips off Slater's heart in front of everyone.
Lisa finds Screech, in yet another locker for some reason,
and pleads with the guy she's been endlessly avoiding
to be her date.
Jessie's listening to Kelly's Bo Revere tape
and tells Max she has a date for the dance,
but suddenly wants to go with Zack.
Because Zack's the kind of guy every girl dreams of,
plus a bunch of other dumb crap.
Lisa tells Jessie the thrilling news that Screech says
he'll go to the dance with her!
But when Jessie raises concern,
Lisa says she's just jealous.
Kelly says she dumped Slater to go with Zack,
because Zack's the kind of guy every girl dreams of!
Then repeats all that dumb crap in unison with Jessie.
They realize something is very wrong.
Because they both had nice dates
and now they're fighting over a blonde scumbag.
They look around at Zack's museum of manipulation
and say it's like the school has been brainwashed.
They figure out Zack must've abused their lesson
on movie candy to psychologically influence girls
using their tapes.
Then recognize that locker room stranger was his accomplice,
Screech, after being forced to picture him naked.
The girls listen to the isolated vocal track and hear,
- Zack Morris is a blonde Tom Cruise.
- Among other disturbing falsehoods.
They devise a plan to stop Zack before he escalates
his tapes to ploys that will likely
soon include robbery and murder.
Principal Belding announces they're going to start
playing a song a day!
For funsies.
And today is this tape
from Kelly Kapowski's personal collection!
It starts with Jessie, and soon every woman in earshot,
including Ms. Wentworth, is aggressively coming on to Zack.
He does nothing to try and snap them out of it.
They swarm him in the hall like zombies.
Even Slater gets in on the fun.
Zack runs like a punk.
Zack bursts into Belding's office
and demands he turn the music off,
then finally tells him the truth
out of fear of being mobbed to death.
Mr. Belding says
Zack looks like a blonde Tom Cruise.
Zack whines at everyone,
stop loving me.
They explain the tape that's playing
has no secret message and this was all
an elaborate setup, a setup that prevented
everyone in school from getting an education that day
to end his reign of mental tyranny.
Let's review.
Zack Morris learned that hidden messages
are effective and dangerous and immediately
used that information to brainwash his way out of trouble
while for some reason
also making a grown man love him
as if he was his son.
Then set out to manipulate young women,
using nerds and mentally paralyzed girls as his guinea pigs.
Then made a guy invade a female changing room
to trick two of his best friends
into unwanted physical intimacy
while sabotaging a blossoming relationship.
And pushed an entire high school
to stop everything
in an urgent attempt to curtail his sociopathic
evil villain zeal for mind control
that should've had him imprisoned for life then and there.
- Zack Morris is a blond Tom Cruise.
- Nope, Zack Morris is trash.
♪ Zack Morris Is Trash ♪
(Bell Ringing)