♪ Ian's house is filled with sick bald eagles. ♪
♪ Ian can't f-- with them ♪
♪ because that's illegal. ♪
♪ Ian has to stay far away from his house. ♪
♪ So who in the world ♪
♪ will Ian live with now? ♪
- Hey guys, my name's Ian
and I can't stay at my place
because I have sick bald eagles
that are all over my house
and I can't murder them because 'America'.
Fortunately, my great friend Jackie
is letting me crash at her place.
(Jackie laughs)
- Hey!
- Oh my gosh.
Jackie and I are basically besties.
So thank you so much
for letting me stay at your place.
- Oh my gosh, totally!
(Ian and Jackie laugh)
- The sidewalk is super comfortable
and you can come in to use the bathroom
once a day (giggles)
- Oh.
Oh.
(Jackie giggles)
Hm.
- But don't come into the house (giggles).
- Okay!
- Sleepover!
- Yay!
- On the sidewalk (giggles)
- On the sidewalk.
Yay.
- Hey guys, so today we're going to be
staying at my coworker Kimmy's place.
I'm a little nervous because
I don't really know her that well.
I don't want to overstay my welcome.
But I gotta say, if I spend one more night
being attacked by sick bald eagles
I don't know if I'm going to make it.
So we're already here at Kimmy's place!
Let's go guys, come on!
♪ So who in the world will Ian live with now? ♪
- Ian hi! How are you doing?
- Hey Kimmy, good.
- Oh my god, come on in.
Just make yourself at home.
Oh, oh, here
and this is for you.
- Oh my gosh.
It's just a little welcome card.
- Yeah.
- Oh my goodness.
What does it say?
Oh, you wrote a poem.
- I did, I really did (laughs).
- Oh my gosh, okay, let's see. - Yeah.
- Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Welcome to my house.
- Yeah.
- That's it.
Look, it doesn't rhyme,
but the gesture is so nice.
- Of course it is, Ian.
I'm really nice.
(Ian laughs)
- You are (laughs).
- Do you mind if I use your bathroom by any chance?
- Oh my god, yeah!
Use it as many times a day as you want.
Here, just put your stuff down.
- Okay. - Get settled in.
Come on. - All right.
- Oh! - Oh!
- Oh, okay, oh I'm so sorry.
That just, that really came out of.
- Oh - Oh, oh god.
I'm so sorry that that just came out of nowhere.
I didn't even see it.
- Yeah, for sure. - I'm so sorry.
- You know, it's okay.
Oh just leave it, oh it's totally--
- No, no, I got it. - It's really fine.
- It's fine, it's fine. - That's okay.
Why don't we just, you can leave that
and, um, here!
Oh my God, have a candy!
- Oh my god, that's so nice of you.
Oh, oh!
(Kimmy laughs awkwardly)
I'm so sorry.
I'm just, I just feel really stupid right now.
- It's okay.
- I'm so dumb. I'm so dumb.
- It's okay, no, no, you're not that dumb.
- Ian, don't mess this up, okay?
Nobody else wants you.
So just be a good house guest.
Okay, count down from 5 and everything will be okay.
Okay.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
- Okay, Kimmy, sorry I'm-- - Oh it's fine, oh--
(glass shatters)
(Ian curses)
- Okay, okay, it's fine, it's fine.
- It's fine?
- Why don't we just have you move
over, over here
and then take a nice seat.
I'll just-- let me get this
let me just clear that off for you.
(glass shatters)
That's um, better on the floor.
- You don't want me to put anything back?
- No, no, no, no, don't touch anything.
It's okay! You got it!
You got it, Bud!
Yeah, it's cool!
(glass cracks under foot)
Oh my god, you're doing great.
It's okay, oh my gosh.
All right, all right.
(Ian grunts) Wow, wow, we are unsteady.
Okay-- (Ian grunts)
It's fine, it's fine.
- Is the chair below me?
- The chair is right below you.
- Okay, okay - You got this,
you got this Buddy.
It's all going to be good now.
It's just a chair.
Good, okay. (Ian pants)
Okay, so can I get you some water--
(Chair crashes to the ground)
(Ian and Kimmy scream)
- Oh, oh, I'm so sorry Kimmy!
- It's fine, it's fine.
It's okay - I saved the card though.
- Oh, I'm so glad
that was the thing that was saved.
No, no it's fine. - I got it, I got it!
(Ian and Kimmy exclaim)
(Glass shatters)
- Ah, I wanted it there. - Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm positive.
And I only wanted the one chair too.
So before you do anything else,
how about you sit in my chair?
- No, no, no, no.
I-- I'll break that.
- What, no no no.
It'll be fine - Yeah, I'll break it.
- You're not going to,
watch watch watch watch watch.
Ta da! (laughs)
- Well, I mean, I'm a big boy.
You're a little tiny girl.
- Okay, you know, one sec.
Here here here.
Hey babe!
- Hey.
(intense electronic music)
- Oh.
- Hi Shane, Kimmy's WWE wrestler boyfriend.
(intense electronic music continues)
- Hey man, nice to meet you.
How are you doing?
- Oh, hi. - It's good to meet you, man.
Hey, any friend of Kimmy's is a friend of mine.
- Okay.
- Hey hun, could you sit on my lap
so we can show Ian how much weight
this chair can take?
- Of course, here, take that.
(Ian grunts)
Hey, anything to support you.
- Oh, thanks honey.
Okay, here we go, ready?
(Shane cheers)
- Right, no problem.
- [Kimmy] Easy! - [Shane] We got it!
- Wow.
- Sturdy. - Yeah, we can bounce.
It's great. - Oh, we can bounce?
- Yeah, absolutely.
All right, come on, here.
- You give it a go. - You try.
- It's fine, I made myself.
It's mahogany.
- [Ian] Oh, really.
- [Shane] The strongest wood.
- Very strong wood, you go it buddy.
- Huh.
Oh.
- Dude.
That was not very nice.
- Honey, it's okay, it's okay.
Why don't you go back to crushing watermelons
with your bare hands in the backyard?
- But you!
- What?
- You have yourself a great day.
- We should make celebratory cocktails.
- Okay.
- With this delicate bar set
my great-grandmother bought with her life savings
before she heroically died in the war.
- Oh, s--.
You are going to do great.
It'll be so fun, okay? - Okay.
Just follow my lead, all right?
Okay, take your shaker
pour just a bunch in.
Gentle, gentle.
Yeah!
Yeah, hell yeah.
All right.
You can use almost the entire bottle.
We're having fun today.
Get some ice.
(Ice clinks)
Like so.
(Ice clinks)
All right, awesome. - Okay?
- Yeah, we're doing good.
- We're good? - [Kimmy] Yeah!
So put this on top.
Okay, so we're gonna shake, gently.
Fun, right!
- No, it's so fun,
you're doing so good!
You got it, okay.
And pour.
Gentle.
Here, just pour it in.
You've poured things, right?
Oh, okay. All right.
- [Ian] You've poured a lot for yourself.
- Yeah, buddy, it's been a long day.
- Yeah (laughs nervously).
- And cheers...
(distorted white noise)
Oh, wait!
I forgot! - What?
- We need a splash of lime.
Here we go.
Okay, and you're going to squeeze like--
- I'll just give a little--
(Ian screams)
Oh, oh I've been limed!
(Ian and Kimmy scream)
(Glass shatters)
(Ian groans)
- Ian!
What the f-- is your problem?
I let you be a guest in my home
and this is how you repay me?
- It's not my fault!
Okay, every freaking thing I touch
in your house, I break!
Just a little flick and it breaks!
Look, look. - I know!
Oh god, here we go.
- Look at your freaking glass.
Look, look!
- [Kimmy] Yeah yeah, try!
(Glass tinkers)
- That was a fluke.
That was a fluke.
- Oh okay, fluke. - I'll prove it to you, okay?
- Sure.
- Everything in your house breaks.
See this?
- Yeah, I see it.
Wow.
(Ian grunts)
- This is a bad egg.
- Oh that's a bad one, okay.
(Egg taps on wood)
- You know what, screw that.
You see this letter?
- Yeah.
- See this letter? - What the--
(Ian grunts)
- Oh my God, Ian.
This is ridiculous!
(Ian grunts)
- Okay, then you try ripping it.
- Okay, yeah, fine!
(paper rips)
- I should.
- Yeah!
You should leave.
(glass cracks)
I'll see you soon.
Oh, that's cool.
Thanks for that.
- Hey, wait.
Don't worry.
Hey, tomorrow's a new day.
You got it.
- Okay, thanks.
- You'll be all right.
(Ian knocks on door)
- Oh, your door's stuck.
(wood cracks)
Oops.
- Ah, there goes my door.
So who was that guy?
- It doesn't matter.
He'll be dead soon.
(ominous music plays)
(playful ringtone plays)
Hello, Damien Haas speaking.
Hey, Damien.
It's Ian.
So yeah, I just basically broke everything in Kimmy's house.
Can I stay with you for a night, maybe?
- Don't give it another thought Ian.
We would love to have you over.
(laughs maniacally)
(playful music continues)