- Get...
…candles.
(laughing)
- That’s the advice?
- Get candles.
- Welcome to my hometown.
Milesopolis.
- Ooh.
- Okay.
- The most Western-sounding…
- Why is it a metropolis?
- It’s a big city, but you’re a small town boy.
- Do y’all wanna light your house on fire?
(laughing)
- And breathe it in to your little sinus?
- This one’s getting me hard.
- Smell the smells of baked beans.
- I do like bake beans.
- And enjoy the flame of heat so hot it’ll burn your little tush.
- Don’t lose the accent, stay committed.
- What are you talking about yet?
- Get…
candles.
(laughing)
- That’s the advice?
- Get candles.
- Go to Target and get candles.
(laughing)
- Candles smell good.
They provide light and brightness.
And they smell nice.
(laughing)
You should have a candle in the bathroom.
You should have a candle in the bedroom.
You should have a candle in the dining room.
(laughing)
- And if you got enough candles, it’s gonna smell real nice.
- This is my favorite one you’ve done.
- This one’s good.
- Have you ever wanted…
…to be a stinky little queen?
(laughing)
- You stay stinky a lot in these.
- Well, sometimes people be getting stinky.
♪ Aah ♪
(laughing) Have you ever wanted…
- Is that Frozen 2?
(laughing)
(laughing) Have you ever wanted to go on an adventure to a magical forest?
♪ Aah ♪
(laughing)
- Have you ever wanted to watch a film not nearly as good as the first one?
(laughing)
♪ Aah ♪ - Are you talking about Frozen 2?
(laughing) He clearly is.
(laughing) We gotta go.
(laughing)
♪ Watch Frozen 2 on Disney+ ♪
(laughing) ♪ Watch Frozen 2 on Disney+ ♪
- Not a sponser.
- Terrible advice.
(laughing) I’ve been…
I’ve been watching Frozen 2 once last week.
And it was fine, but the music was divine.
- Yeah, the music’s really good.
- The movie’s bad.
The movie’s bad.
- Oh, it’s not bad!
- Come on, Miles!
- The movie’s bad!
- Have you ever wanted to be soaked?
(laughing)
- Depends on what context.
Have you ever wanted to bang…
- Oh boy.
…in a hospital?
- Oh.
- ‘Kay…
Okay?
Let’s see where he’s going. - Easy.
- I see a person, and they’re oily!
I see a slippery, little anchovie!
- Is that like a cheerleader thing?
Cheerleader for a minute?
(laughing) Do you…
Do you want to sit…
…in a hole?
- Oh, he’s starting over.
- Depends on the context.
(laughing)
- Watch Grey’s Anatomy in the turb!
(laughing)
- Oh, in the tub?
(laughing)
- Watch Grey’s Anatomy, uh, in the turb.
(laughing)
I spy with my little eye a show called Grey’s Anatomy.
It has 16 seasons, it has 24 episodes per season,
each episode is an hour long.
It has days of television
about sexy, steamy doctors that are hotter and better than you.
And they die and you cry,
in the turb!
(laughing)
- Wait, okay, so what day did you do this?
Normally it’s just something you did a couple days ago.
- Uh, I’ve been taking a bath a day during quarantine.
(laughing)
I find that it is an excellent use of time
because it’s an hour long, and we have the time.
And also it motivates me to exercise ‘cause then I know I’m gonna get stinky
and I deserve a bath.
- You bathe for an hour?
Have you ever wanted to have ♪ a sweet little tasty snack? ♪
(to the tune of “Do You Wanna Build a Snowman?”) ♪ Do you wanna have some ice cream? ♪
♪ Do you wanna have some ice cream? ♪
♪ Do you want it to be good? ♪
♪ Do you want it to be perfect little treat that you have why you’re living sitting in your bed? ♪
- You’ve done ice cream several times at this point.
- That was too much use of someone else’s copyright, Miles.
- Klondike Bar, that’s what it was.
What do you got, Miles?
- Temper your ice cream, you stupid bitch.
- What?
- Temper it?
- Ice cream is hard when it comes out of the fridge.
- Freezer.
- And you’re gonna wanna leave it on the counter for a 2-minute timer.
Because the ice cream is gonna be easier to scoop.
- This is the worst one.
(laughing) You’re a stupid little…
You’re a stupid little bitch!
(laughing) And in addition,
- The advice is leave your ice cream on the counter on the little bit before you scoop it?
- Before you scoop it!
And as an added bonus, - Jesus, Miles.
And as an added bonus, leave it on the counter for 3 minutes if you can believe that.
- Have you ever wanted…
to have the gorgeous ass of a tuna?
Have you ever wanted the sexual stamina of a dolphin?
- No.
- Or the boobs of a Mediterranean shark?
- What about dolphin tuna?
- Mediterranean shark?
(laughing) Relax your mind and comfort your body.
And get the sexy kissing lips…
(making kissing sounds)
…of a fish!
By drinking…
iced water!
(laughing) Oh my god!
(laughing) No!
(laughing)
- Anyway, thanks for listening, guys. - Miles, this is not the advice.
(laughing) - Iced water is a good…
- Miles.
(laughing) No, what?
- [Zach] Fucking outta here.
- I have been drinking recently…
I have been having a treat.
(laughing)
- I’ve been having a treat before bed after I brush my teeth.
‘Cause you don’t wanna have juice, ‘cause obviously.
Your teeth will be frickin’ cavity-filled.
But you can have iced water.
But don’t tell the lemon.
‘Cause you’re about to put a little lemon in your iced water.
(stammering in disbelief)
- Do people not…do people not commonly do this?
Are people not drinking iced water?
- Well, I kinda forgot about it for a little.
(laughing)
- Oh, so you were just drinking room-temperature water.
- Yeah, I was drinking tap.
But then I realized that we had ice and I was like, “oh yeah!”
“I should do that.”
(laughing)
- What’s up Miles Nation, how’s y’all doing tonight?
- Oh boy.
- Oh, he’s Australian. - Cancel Miles.
(laughing)
- How y’all doing out there fighting system racism?
Can I get an amen?
- I thought you were Aussie and now you’re country?
(laughing)
- Amen!
- Have y’all ever wanted to go…
…be a speedy little demon?
(laughing)
- I have.
- Mm hmm.
- Have y’all ever wanted to get…
…the mail?
- Hmm, no.
- I get the mail every day, yeah.
Kind of a fun moment.
♪ Speed up your life and do the things you want to do ♪
- I cannot wait for this.
- Get sandals!
(laughing)
(laughing) Oh my god!
I knew it!
I knew it was gonna be something so stupid!
(laughing)
Oh my god, that’s too funny!
- Y’all out here wearing shoes
when you could be wearing sandals!
- Yeah, yeah.
- Sandals are gonna help you get the mail
without having to put your shoes on!
(laughing)
- Are you talking sandals, flip flops, any specific style you’d recommend, Miles?
- Uh, leather.
I don’t have ‘em yet, but I’m looking online.
So I’ve been wanting to get sandals for a while.
- Keith, I think he’s going for anything you can get on the fastest.
You know, ‘cause it’s all about efficiency.
- Flip flaps, but I’m guessing a leather flip flap so they survive the apocalypse.
(moans) Aah!
♪ Advice that’ll go for Miles ♪
- What the hell’s up, Miles Naption?
(laughing)
- Woo!
- Yeah!
- Have you ever wanted…
(singing “Take a Break”) ♪ Take a break, come away with us for the summer ♪
♪ let’s go upstate ♪
♪ There’s a place I know ♪
♪ Where you can take a break ♪
♪ Have a coffee and ♪
♪ Or a muffin ♪
- What song is this?
- Hamilton, bro.
- Oh!
- He really didn’t sing it in a way that was recognizable for me.
(laughing)
I was like “I have never heard this, but Zach knows it?”
- Coffee, America’s gas.
(laughing)
- Yeah, okay.
Put a bean in your face.
Or a tea.
I was about to say, Miles, you’re doing a coffee tip in front of me?
That’s a hate crime, motherfucker.
Sorry, brother, you know I respect the hell outta ‘ya.
But my advice…
(laughing)
My advice is to, at any point in the day, you’re gonna get sleepy.
You’re gonna get pissed.
- Uh huh.
- You’re gonna get wacky, you’re gonna get loopy.
Ned knows what I’m talking about.
- Oh, I sure do!
(laughing)
(laughing) What you’re gonna do…
What you’re gonna wanna do
is take a coffee break.
- Mm.
- It’s easy when we’re on Zoom and we’re hanging out work-from-home style,
it’s hard, sometimes you just work the whole day long.
And you don’t ever take a little coffee break.
But I found that it’s could to be like
“Here’s my cup of coffee,
and here’s my cup of joe,”
and I’m gonna sit for ten minutes and all I’m gonna do is listen to freakin’ jazz music,
- Mm.
- …and drink my coffee.”
So that’s my advice, is to take a break.
Do you guys take breaks?
- Wait, so your advice is to take breaks?
- Mm hmm!
Uh huh!
(laughing)
Coffee breaks.
I’m saying take a break.
Get up.
Do a jumping jack.
Relax yourself.
- What’s up Miles Nation?
- Oh, back to the voices.
(laughing)
- How we doing, kiwis?
- Uh oh.
- Ooh!
- Mm!
- Have you ever wanted to be a confident little man?
(laughing) Mm hmm.
(laughing) Yeah.
- Have you ever wanted your feetsies to be sexy?
- Yeah.
- Big ‘ole dancing shoes!
- I gotta go. I’m supposed to be on a call.
- Oh, okay.
Big ‘ole dancing shoes!
Bye, Zach!
Big ‘ole dancing…everyone’s on their phones.
Every single person is on their phones
- Now I’m worried that I’m missing a…
- Every single guy is on their phone!
(laughing)
- Am I missing an appointment?
- Must be pretty late if he’s gotta go.
- We’ll make this one quick.
Get stylish high-top sneakers!
You stinky weiner!
- You want high-top sneakers?
- I wear high-top sneakers and they make me feel like a confident little man.
- The tongue is so big.
- That’s big, but Keith you also have cool sneakers, and that’s part of the thing.
Is if you wear cool sneakers, you’re gonna have a big ‘ole dick and you’re gonna be cool and hot.
- Brother!
Have you ever wanted to scratch and sniff?
(inhales)
- Yeah.
Have you ever wanted to zing yourself up in the middle of the day
but cocaine is too frickin’ pricey?
- My god.
- Sorry, Kim. Sorry, Kim.
- Sorry, everybody.
(laughing)
Coffee? More like toffee.
Because it’s so sweet, it might as well give you cavities.
You’re gonna want a food-based perfume
that you can huff!
Like a bag of paint that’s gonna get you so fucked up your work day’s gonna be A plus
- I have no idea where this is going.
- It’s become more and more vague.
- Scratch a lemon and smell it.
- What is that you’re holding?
- What are you holding? Is that a lime?
(laughing) Scratch…
I couldn’t find a lemon this morning.
- Well…
You could say limón, which, in Spanish…
- Right, exactly.
- Uh huh.
- Scratch a lemon
(inhales)
and smell it!
- Why?
- I’ve come to find that…
because it smells frickin’ good, Ned, you silly…
- Don’t. Don’t.
- …boomer!
- Gonna have a water cooler conversation.
- I’ll say this:
sometimes when I’m feeling like I need to huff something
and I can’t… (laughs)
- When do you feel like you need to huff something?
- Why do you have this urge?
- Ladies and gentlemen,
one hundred pieces of advice, one hundred pieces of ass.
(laughing)
You’re out there in the world,
I wish I could give each and every single one of you a little spank, okay?
(laughing) Because I couldn’t be more jazzed to give you this:
the hundredth piece of advice that’ll go for Miles.
Stay horny, folks!
(laughing)
- What’s up, Miles Nation?
How y’all doing tonight?
(moans) Aah!
- Ooh, horny.
- That was pretty weird, right?
(laughing)
- Have you ever wanted to go from a 2 to a 10
(bleep)-wise?
(laughing)
- Yeah.
- Have you ever thought,
“maybe I could stand here and give everyone a boner?”
- Sometimes.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
♪ Talking ‘bout putting your hand somewhere ♪
Put your hand in your pocket to be sexy!
(laughing)
- I, uh,
- No longer are you standing there, wondering, “what am I gonna do with my hands?”
Put those little creepers in your pocket!
And everyone will think:
“that’s an ass I’d like to french.”
(laughing)
You can put one hand front, one hand back.
A varitable 69 of standing.
But if you put your hand in your pocket,
then people are thinking, “oh my god, look at those shoulders.”
“I’d love to grease those up and send them down a tube.”
(laughing)
But I’m telling you. If you want a good outfit,
sort of…of your posture,
then I want you to put your hands in your pockets for a photo
or if you’re standing on the bus,
waiting to be noticed by a tall man with long hair.
Put your hand in your pocket, and your dick’s gonna look bigger.
(laughing) No!
No! It’s just how you put your hands in your pockets.
- Oh.
Half up to the knuckle.
(laughing) Similar to…
(laughing) Knuckle-deep into your pocket.
- Is that right?
- Yeah, that’s not wrong.
- Okay, knuckle-deep into your pocket.
- Similar to what?
- Thumb out like you’re frickin' hitchhiking,
looking for ass.
- What flavor do candles come in?
- Orange.
(laughing)