How do you know if a breakup is final? That's we're going to be talking about in this video.
But first, my name is Clay with Modernlove.life. We help you get the great loving relationship
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But anyway, what we're talking about here is how to know if your breakup is final? Now,
a couple caveats before we get into this. First of all, I've been doing this for a very
long time. As of today, recording this, I've been doing this for about 11 years, and I've
seen a lot of people in a lot of really intense situations, and I know better than to write
someone off. There've been times, especially early on,
when I've heard someone's situation, I'm like, "I don't know. I don't know if that's going
to work." And then you get an update from them down the road. And they're like, "Oh,
Hey, it worked out. We got back together." And you're like, "Wow." Okay. So there's a
part of me that knows better than to write someone off.
Second of all is I don't like the finality of saying like, "Okay, your relationship is
done forever." Sure, what may end up happening is that maybe you and your ex aren't going
to get back together right now. But that doesn't mean that further down the road, the two of
you won't be able to work things out. You won't be able to... Maybe they're not going
to talk to you right now, but is that always going to be the case? Maybe in a couple of
months or a year or two, they might have a change of heart. That happened to me with
my big ex in the past. I reached out to her, I think it was like
a year and a half or two years after we actually broke up. And I was like, "Dah, dah, dah,
dah." And she was like responding to me. So don't think about this as like a black and
white sort of thing. Like either we're going to get back together or there's no chance
whatsoever. Things can unfold in weird ways. And then finally, don't look at one single
thing in this list in isolation. Again, I've seen people bounce back from crazy situations
before. So what I want you to do is I want you to say, "Okay, if there's one thing in
here." Not so great. If there's two things in this list that apply to you, that's really
not so great. If there's three or more things, that's really, really not so great. So the
more of the things that you see in this list that we're going to go over the less likely
that you're going to be able to get back together right now.
So with all that being said, let's go ahead and get into this. First and foremost is if
your ex isn't talking to you. If they're not talking to you and the two of you just are
not able to connect, they're upset at you, they're walling you out. They're just non-responsive.
And you know you're doing your best to connect with them in a reasonable sort of way. It's
one thing if you're in damage control mode and you're texting them way too often, and
you're panicked and you're anxious, and you're looking for some sort of validation from them.
That's one thing. But if you're reaching out to them in casual,
open, kind of just conversational sorts of ways, and they're not talking to you and you've
tried a couple of different takes and strategies and all that, then that's definitely a sign
that this might not be happening right now. Again, if you do want to learn more about
how to text your ex, well, you have an entire video series on texting your ex up there.
Feel free to check that out if you want to learn more. But the next thing that might
indicate that this is not going to happen right now is if it's also been three to six
months, and there's no progress between you and your ex.
What I look for when I look at at this situation is progress. Is there progress being made?
Not are they back together instantaneously? Or something unrealistic like that. It's unrealistic
to say, "Okay, let's send out a text message. And the two of you are going to be back together
by the weekend." That's unrealistic. What I look for is progress. Like, "Okay, maybe
you weren't talking before. Now you're talking a little bit. Maybe you were talking a little
bit. Now you're talking a lot. Maybe you were talking a lot. Now you're meeting up. Maybe
you were meeting up and now you're meeting up a lot. Now you were meeting up a lot. Now
you're back together." I look for progress. And if there's been a
good chunk of time, like three to six months, and there's no progress being made, then something's
not working out. Either that's part of your strategy that's not working out, or maybe
your ex is just in a place where they're just not willing to go past a certain threshold
with you. But if it's been three to six months and there's
been no progress, not that you're not back together, but that there's been no progress.
Then that's another, [boink 00:05:11], red flag that sticks up for me. Additionally,
if that's layered on top of them not talking to you, that's another big indicator that
this might not be happening, at least not right now.
The third thing is that there's no valid reason for the two of you to actually stay in contact
with one another. Maybe the two of you were a long distance or something like that, living
in different cities or States or countries or continents or whatever. If you're long
distance or if there's no real reason for the two of you to stay in contact with one
another, because maybe you don't have mutual friends or whatever the case may be. Then
that is also going to add another layer of difficulty on top of this.
So, obviously if the two of you do have a reason to stay in contact, that's more of
an opportunity for the two of you to create an emotional connection and to bond. If there's
no reason to stay in contact, that's less of an opportunity to create an emotional connection
and bond. Of course, this layered on top of some of the other things we talked about are
going to make things more difficult. Next up we have, if you haven't learned anything
from the breakup, you haven't adjusted course in terms of how you intended the relationship
to be. Now, I've said before many times, your ex isn't going to want to walk back into the
same relationship that they walked out of in the first place. And this is definitely
very true. Yes, it theoretically is possible to get back together with your ex by changing
nothing and just isolating them and saying like, "Okay, no one else wants to be in a
relationship with you. Therefore you got to come back to old reliable here." But that's
not inspiring. Nobody wants to do that. And anyone who has another option is probably
going to choose it. So what you want to do is you want to look
at why the relationship you had didn't work out and look at it like, "Okay, what wasn't
working?" Again, we've talked about this in previous videos, but it's usually cooperation,
are the two of you on the same team or not in the same team? It's communication, are
the two of you able to communicate clearly? And it's consistency or trust, the three C's.
Cooperation, communication, and consistency. Or if you want to think about this a different
way, it's being on the same team, communicating and trust. Which one of those is out of alignment?
What can you do to bring it into alignment? Another great resource for this would of course
be the Advanced Relational Skills that we talk about, video playlist right up there.
But you want to demonstrate to them that this is not the same thing they walked out of.
You want to demonstrate to them that there's a good reason for them to come back into a
relationship with you. It's not about just talking. It's not just
about talking a good talk. We want to actually demonstrate to them that something is fundamentally
different that's going to give them a good reason to come back into the relationship.
And if that's not present, then that's another little red flag that this may not be working
out here. Again, layered on top of some of these other things that starts to look worse
and worse, like, okay, maybe you're a long distance and there's been no change since
the breakup. And maybe the two of you aren't talking. That's looking no so good here.
Let's move on. So the last thing that we're going to be talking about here is that you're
not living into your best life. And I know that it sounds kind of life coach-y or whatever,
but it's true. We want to live into our values and we want to live our best lives, because
the one thing that people have in common that we want to spend time with, we want to get
to know, we want to get close to, we want to be on the journey of life with them is
that they're going somewhere. They're doing something. Whether that's starting a business,
whether that's moving up in their career, whether that's traveling the world, whether
that's doing something they've always wanted to do.
Whatever it is, it has to bring excitement to you. It has to bring you to life. It has
to add zest to your life. And that's going to make you light up a lot more. It's going
to come across in your energy. It's going to come across in how you present yourself.
It's going to also show them that like, "Hey, you're going somewhere or you're doing something."
And a lot of times people want to be a part of that.
So, if you're just sitting around playing video games or something like that, then maybe
you got a little bit of work to do, especially if there's some other things layered on top
of that. So, definitely go out there and live your best life. Do things that are important
to you. Live into your values and pursue that to the fullest, because it's going to obviously
help you in your own personal life. But it's also going to send a message to your ex or
any other potential partner that, hey, you got something going on and if they want to
be a part of it, they better move quick. So, again, this is not like, if you just see
one of these things, it's like a death knell, but if there are like clusters of these things,
this is something that you might be concerned about. And some of these things are definitely
within your control, like learning from the past and living your best life, living into
your values and all of that. So, definitely take control of what you can
take control of and just take note of what you can't control. And if you do want to,
again, learn more about our email newsletter or sign up, that's right down below. But once
again, thank you so much for watching this video. Hit that thumbs up button if you haven't
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do want to know more about texting your ex, we have a video playlist on texting your ex
right here, or you might want to check out this video over here, but thank you so much
for watching. Please take care. Once again, my name is Clay and I'll talk to you next
time.