Well, I just had Mother's Day,
had Mother's Day.
And we went all out this year.
My sister comes up, says, "oh, we got
"to do something special for mom.
"She's getting older.
"Let's give mom something she's not
"expecting."
So we put her in the home.
(audience laughing)
Oh, people are groaning.
Do you want her?
(audience laughing)
I'll mail her to you.
(audience laughing)
I'll put her in a box.
Hey, look, we got something
from Amazon.
(audience laughing)
Oh, crap.
This is John Knight's mother.
I can't believe he really sent her.
(audience laughing)
No one wants an old Italian lady
that does nothing but complain?
Come on.
(audience laughing)
Are there any Italians in Utah--
I mean, outside of the Witness
Protection Program?
(audience laughing)
You'll be the first one to have one.
(audience laughing)
Nah, the mom's all right.
But it's weird, holidays.
People give you gifts,
and you got to get gifts.
Christmas last year, my sister gives
me a membership to Costco.
Now me and my wife,
we're the only ones that live
in our house.
So we really-- I don't need
a 10-gallon drum of mustard.
You ever see these people?
Hey, we'll never have to buy mustard
again.
Look at that.
You know, you buy it like this
you save a nickel.
(audience laughing)
I don't need to go to Costco.
I have Walmart.
Walmart.
Where I live-- those things--
I don't know about here-- they breed
like rabbits.
(audience laughing)
Seriously, there was one--
where I live,
from my house,
there was one five minutes
this direction.
There was one five minutes
this direction.
They put one right in the middle.
Now I could go to Walmart on my way
to Walmart if I wanted.
(audience laughing)
There's no Walmart in Australia.
I found this out because I was doing
a cruise.
And it was all
Australian passengers.
And I started talking about it.
And one lady says, "we don't have
"Walmart.
"Talk about something else.
"We don't have Walmart."
(audience laughing)
So I was curious.
I said, well, in Australia, where
do fat women in halter
tops shop for their underwear?
(audience laughing)
There's nowhere for them to go.
Oh, you're groaning, like you've
never seen that.
(audience laughing)
You ever go in Walmart
after midnight?
It's like a freak show.
(audience laughing)
People just climb out of bed--
I need some things.
(audience laughing)
They don't even get dressed--
pajamas, right?
And not nice pajamas.
You would think you're going
shopping, 3:00 AM,
I'm putting on my good pajamas.
People got holes, things hanging out.
(audience laughing)
It's not a pretty sight.
(audience laughing)
Now this is going to sound made up.
But these stores like the Costcos,
the Sam's Club, and Walmart,
I found out they sell items which I
don't think
are appropriate for these places.
Do you know that all three
of those stores,
you can buy coffins?
Seriously, I'm not making this up.
If you know that's true--
he knows.
You could buy coffins at Walmart.
Help me get this in the back
of the truck.
I got to take it home and put it
together.
(audience laughing)
We only need four pallbearers.
I couldn't get two of the handles
screwed on.
(audience laughing)